Tuesday, 22 December 2015

Pink Punters - 20th Dec 2015

Well what a night that was!!! Just can't wait to go back there again.

It all started with a little drama. We had only been driving for 20 mins when our daughters friend realised she had left her passport at home for ID. It was too late to turn back and the last time we had been in Pink Punters our daughter was not asked for ID however as a precaution her friend got her brother to send over a picture of her passport. We could only hope that we were not asked for ID or that this would suffice!

After driving for just under a couple of hours and arriving a bit later than planned (for various reasons) we checked into the Campanile hotel dead opposite Pink Punters, which by the way was totally unmissable with its myriad of fairy lights and colourful lit up signage. Pink Punters (PP) is a LGBT venue in Milton Keynes http://www.pinkpunters.com/ We used to go there quite a lot in the Abby days but this was the first time Lucy has been, along with our daughter and her friend. My friend had been with us before however the whole place has been renovated and enlarged. If you remember this was the place we visited in September as him and her. Although our daughter had also been with us at the time I think that Lucy and her had had too much to drink so when we went in at 2am neither had much recollection of it.

We hadn't had anything to eat and were going to order room service when we noticed a leaflet for take away food delivery right to the hotel; McDonalds, KFC, Pizza Hut to name a few..... So we ordered KFC which was hand delivered within about 30 mins and was great. What a service. We all stuffed our faces in our room washed down with Proscecco which was very yum. We thought it wise to eat bearing in mind we were going to be drinking all night.

Everyone went back to their own rooms to get ready and my daughter arranged to come back a bit later to do Lucy's makeup for her. We both chilled and bathed. At this point Lucy was nervous and excited. We chose the dress she was going to wear, black with silver skulls and long sleeves. Fab dress. The other alternative was a silver dress however when she put it on it looked a bit like tin foil so was discarded for this evening. At this point I gave Lucy one of her Christmas presents early, a silver name necklace. She totally loved it and wore it straight away and has not been taken off since.

When our daugher came back to our room she was buzzing about some trans girls she had met downstairs in the smoking area and how friendly they had been. She has met trans girls before but this was her first proper time going out to a place where she would encounter these sorts of girls. This set her up for the evening and she was looking forward to getting over to the club. She did Lucy's make up brilliantly as usual and Lucy was very happy with the result. Debates were had over the shoes Lucy should wear..... she  had only brought 2 new pairs with her.... not sure that wearing new heels on a long night out was one of the best ideas she had!

Lots of people staying in the hotel were also going to PP. As we walked down the corridor a guy started to come out his room, took one look and then laughing called his mate to come and have a look at the 'girls' walking past. It wasn't in a nice way, however he did not say anything derogatory which is just as well as I would have gone for him. We held our heads high and just walked past him. Even in the LGTB community there can still be small minded people and those who are just plain idiots!

We crossed the road over to the entrance of the club and by this time Lucy had already removed her killer heels. This was an indication as to how it would be for the rest of the evening. There was a queue of about 20 people but the moment the bouncers saw Lucy they fast tracked us all to the front of the queue. We were amazed at the special treatment. The bouncer also accepted the text photo of the passport (I'm sure that was because we were with Lucy) and we walked up the stairs to the club.

There were plenty of people there already and after grabbing our drinks from the bar we walked into the dance floor. This was fairly busy and although we weren't there on a specific trans night there were lots of trans girls around. It didn't take long for us all to start dancing as all the tunes were pretty mainstream. Suffice to say Lucy's shoes were on and off all night and she rarely stopped dancing. She is just so much fun to be out and about with and was just so relaxed being herself. One observation I have made from this night and other times we have been out is that some of the other trans girls are not so relaxed. Several kept checking themselves in the many mirrors situated everywhere and some just seemed to concentrate so hard when dancing and just never looked relaxed. Not my Lucy..... she is a party girl and was just having so much fun. In fact we are both lively people who like having a good time so this wasn't something new. Just seeing her like this made my heart swell with pride and with so much love. I really do love her so much!

She can also be a bit of a nightmare as she kept disappearing off to the other dance floor in the basement which on this night was playing drum and base and is darker and smokier than the upstairs dance floor. In the morning she did not even remember being there however the evidence was clear with the 20+ videos she had taken on her mobile phone! She also was a total mare eyeing up other girls dresses and running after people to find out where their clothes came from. Her particular favourite was a black long sleeved dress with the yellow batman logo printed all over it. She discovered it was from H&M and already she is the proud owner of exactly the same dress.... see what I mean? Nightmare!!

Any night out with Lucy wouldn't pass without a bit of drama. The toilets were unisex and manned by a chap called Martin who was really friendly and nice. As well as keeping the toilets sorted, the flow of people in and out, he was also there for helping with zips and anything else. Well at some point Lucy had managed to leave her purse there containing well over £100 and cards. She didn't notice for some time until we she went to use it and it wasn't in her bag. After a bit of panicking about where it could be she hot footed back to the loos only to find Martin had it with all the contents intact! I'm pretty sure that this wouldn't happen anywhere else. A big up to PP, the people there and the staff!

The club is owned by a chap called Frank and his wife Mary and back in the day we used to be quite friendly with them. We were not sure if they would remember us as it has been 8 years since we were last there. They spend time in the club chatting with everyone which is really great and people get to know them building on the family environment they try to build. Well Frank definitely did remember us.... again where else would that happen? Many owners are just too busy or uninterested in spending time with any of the punters. Not so in PP. Frank even bought us a few drinks.

The drinks seemed to go down really quickly and although we spent a lot of time dancing it did not get too hot and there are aircon units scattered around. There is a smoking terrace which is outside but covered so plenty of space to cool off if you did get too hot as well as areas with lots of open fires in case you got too cold. Everyone was very friendly and there was absolutely no evidence of any trouble. All the different aspects of the communities seemed to gel together, even with the straight people, and there was no uncomfortable moments at all.

The whole evening was fun from start to finish and a great time was had by all. The time just seemed to fly by and before we knew it, it was 6am! Lucy was buzzing all night and I just loved spending this sort of time together with her.

Unfortunately we were so busy having so much fun that we hardly took any pictures. There were 2 or 3 and as it was me that took them there were sadly none of me and Lucy. Once she is fully out to everyone I can't wait to be able to share these pictures as I would do with any of the thousands of pictures I usually take and still will take.

In the morning everyone was a bit bleary eyed but excitedly chatting about the evening, the people that were met, new friends made and plans to return. Lucy and I have already booked to come for a Friday and Saturday night over the Valentines weekend in 2016 and although this is only 7 weeks away it seems like AGES!

Just can't wait to go back and spend some more fun time with my Lucy!

Tuesday, 15 December 2015

Life goes on

I know sometimes it is a big gap between one post and the other, but life does go on. What we consider to be 'normal' is probably very far removed from many other people's 'normal'.

As mentioned before Lucy is on a spending spree. She is obsessed with dresses it seems and has every type and still buys more!! More turned up today so I rest my case! It is nice tops that she is lacking in, she knows it but just doesn't seem to be drawn to them. She turned up with a dusty pink blouse the other day from Marks and Spencer..... yes it was a very nice blouse.... if you are in your 60's but I could never envisage Lucy in it. She is just such a more trendy dresser. What surprised me even more was that our 19 year old daughter had help her choose it. And they dare to criticise my dress sense!! Well it ended up being taken back and exchanged for a pair of jeans. I wish I could wear the same dresses as her as some of them are very nice but unfortunately she has the better figure and I have too big a 'baby belly' :(
Life for is still full of being secretative. Our 13 year old daughter still does not know about Lucy but she is going to twig on pretty soon. With the official name change completed in all places except the driving licence and passport authorities so it is a rush to make sure one of us gets the post before she gets to it. Lucy has lovely shaped eyebrows these days and is also growing her hair although the hair growing is being debated at the moment as my oldest son is getting married next year and it will be 'him' at the wedding not Lucy so she thinks 'he' should have his usual hair. We will see but after conversations tonight it looks like it is being cut tomorrow. It is all these whispered conversations and things we are still having to hide that make me impatient for people to be told as something will slip up somewhere.

Lucy works nights and I work days which sometimes makes it hard getting time together. We both love the overlap time we have in bed, sometimes a few minutes, sometimes a couple of hours. Just love being with her. Today was particularly hard going out to work and leaving her. She looked so cute in her polkadot nighty and frilly knickers sound asleep on my side of the bed. I was going to lean in and give her a kiss but didn't want to wake her. I was thinking about and missing her all day.

Christmas will be interesting this year. I have bought 2 lots of presents, some for him and more for Lucy so we will have to have some me and Lucy time where she can have her pressies. For him they are pretty much non gender type presents which I can get away with giving in front of others. This year I have managed to stop other people in the family who do not know about Lucy from buying unnecessary and unwanted stuff for 'him'. Everyone knows that he spends hours 'relaxing' (replace relaxing with relaxing, shaving, preening etc) so everyone this time is buying him lots of bubble bath etc and of course the famous bath bombs from Lush! So much more useful and wanted than anything else they could have bought.

Saturday is going to be a big night for us. We are going clubbing for the first time in years to a place we used to go to loads. One of my friends is coming with us, our 19 year old daughter and her best friend. Lucy is very excited about it all as we have had lots of great nights in this place previously although it has all changed now so we will see if it is still such fun. We are having an overnight stay so will all get ready together and have a few drinks before we head off. We have been planning this for a while so hoping it all turns out as expected and will post an update after so watch this space.

Thursday, 19 November 2015

More friends

As much as we are planning a schedule of who and when we are going to tell, there are always those friends that out the blue you consider telling out of sequence.

One of these is a girl I work with. She is lovely and we have known her about 3 years.... well I have, as I work with her, however she has been on holiday with him and me a couple of years ago and it was a riot! Only 3 years ago did she come out openly as gay herself and in that time she met someone and has settled down and got married.

She is another open minded, non judgemental person and would be a great ally when the news about Lucy hits work (which inevitably it is going to) and she can help bat away some of the unwelcome comments.  We have a couple of very religious people in our team so I have no doubt they will be making comments behind my back. Not that I care, but it is still not nice to know they are doing it.

Anyway..... she was one person we had both agreed would be told in advance of Lucy going public. Well, Lucy made the mistake of mentioning to me that she had been toying with the idea of telling this friend sooner rather than later. I thought that this would be a great idea but as soon as I was on board Lucy started getting cold feet about it all.

It is Lucy's decision who and when we tell people however she had got me thinking and I was considering the advantages of this person knowing earlier than we had planned and nudged Lucy. She kept procrastinating about telling her and was full of indecision.

Tuesday night my team at work went out for a social evening at a bowling alley. This seemed an ideal time to confide in this friend and it was a neutral, relaxed environment. Although by this time Lucy had agreed to let me tell this friend, she was still incredibly nervous.

Anyhow.... so I spilled the beans and gave some background about Lucy. As expected there was some initial surprise and she asked about how happy Lucy was with the situation and the decisions about the future. Once she understood Lucy's happiness she was incredibly happy and supportive and had a big grin on her face. I showed her a picture of Lucy and she made the comment that she is not into older women (Lucy is 10 years older) however if she was, that she would!! Of course I relayed all this information to Lucy and naturally it made her very relaxed and happy. It was this friend that I had discussed boob sizes with so she was now able to understand the reason for me asking!

Our friend asked for Lucy's phone number and for the next few hours they were exchanging a flurry of texts between them both and we are hoping that this friend and her wife will be able to join us on one of our nights out. Certainly by this time all of Lucy's fears were allayed.

This friend was so positive it was great. She made no bones about the fact she will have my back covered at work which is great. Although it is not me personally that is transitioning people will still have plenty to say to my face and behind my back. 

What was also so very lovely is that this friend seemed to think I was totally amazing!! Me??? I don't feel like I am an amazing person but she explained that even with her knowing the total love I have for the person that is Lucy (I don't hold back in telling people how much I love him/Lucy) that I am so positive and supportive to Lucy in a situation that some wives would have left or have been unable to cope. I still don't think I am amazing however I cannot contemplate life without Lucy..... I would have no life if I was not sharing it with her. Emotional and gushy it may be, however it is the truth. I also don't feel that I am compromising my life in any way whatsoever by supporting Lucy's transition. In fact I sometimes feel so sad for Lucy that it has taken this long for her life to change to what it should be however I am grateful that we were able to have a daughter together before the decision was made. I think I may have mentioned before that Sam Smiths song Writings on the Wall (https://youtu.be/8jzDnsjYv9A) is one that Lucy identifies with at this point in her life but when I hear the line "when you're not here I'm suffocating" brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it.

Later when chatting with Lucy about the evening she mentioned that it is amusing that it is my friends that we seem to be gradually telling and as yet none of her friends have been told, nor would we even consider telling any of them at the moment. When you think about it, it is probably more logical as the people we are telling are those that we think will be the most accepting and understanding and therefore laying good foundations for the day when Lucy goes public.

Monday, 9 November 2015

Monday musings

Lucy has and will change our lives together completely and utterly. It is funny how we both keeping checking with each other how much we love each other. Lucy is worried for me about not having a man around any more and everything that comes with being intimate and I worry that the hormones may change the type of person she fancies and that I may not been enough for her.

As a he and she couple we have always been incredibly close and from the moment we first saw each other we knew we would be together. This closeness has stayed with us over all the years and if anything we are closer than we have ever been which I never thought would be possible and despite all the changes things are still very electric between us.

We are formulating a plan of all the things that we need to get done ourselves that the NHS won't pay for like some of the laser hair removal. This looks like it will be quite expensive so we need to save and make cuts elsewhere so it can be done. 

Lucy also has some not so nice tattoos which we have discussed. We think having them laser removed is not the best option so are considering getting them overlaid with something much nicer, more girlie and more in keeping with Lucy. Unfortunately these were one of the things she did trying to make herself more macho in her later teenage years and have turned out to be something she has always regretted. For the time being for going out and about she wears long sleeves or a wrap which covers them. At home she is not so conscious of them as it is only us that can see them.

Today I am working from home and love seeing Lucy wandering around in her big pink fluffy dressing gown and white furry boot slippers. She just looks so chilled and relaxed. She had her eyebrows tinted again the other day. Think we need to do something serious with them though as even with us trimming, waxing and plucking them they are still quite coarse.

Friday, 6 November 2015

First friends told

As you have probably noticed some of the earlier posts on this blog have been to update on historical events leading to where we are today. Some key moments involve a handful of close friends of mine, one a childhood lifelong friend and another who I have known for very many years and my oldest daughters best friend. All of these I trust implicitly.

I'm not sure and cannot really remember the exact reason for telling my two friends. I know that I was so proud of 'him' for confiding and sharing with me his biggest secret. I did feel a need to tell people that knew me and him well to give support. They both have known about Lucy for at least 8 years.

I would not describe my oldest friend as being worldy wise, she has not been in a relationship for many years and does not have children so in many ways we are worlds apart however I did confide in her several years after I knew. She was very curious and although she said she understood the situation I really don't think she ever understood the seriousness until only last week. In the past she had been out with us partying a couple of times, to Pink Punters and to Transmission. Actually at Pink Punters she shocked me and Lucy as she ended up snogging a trans woman which was totally unexpected from this particular friend. Although recently we (Lucy and I) have updated her on the situation, as I had not mentioned anything for a few years she thought 'it had gone away'. It was this comment that made me realise she had no understanding of what it meant to be transgendered or how Lucy had been feeling despite previous conversations. At the moment she is still surprised that Lucy wants to transition fully and is taking time to comprehend it all.

My other friend in many ways is very similar to me in the way she thinks and her outlook on the world. She has never tried to pigeon hole anything and has always asked lots of questions about Lucy but also about me. It was lovely having someone just checking I was ok (which I was and am) and considering the impact all this could have on me. She is also the only person (other and my gorgeous Lucy of course) with whom I can truly be myself and can talk about things very intimate without being embarrassed or feeling I am being judged or someone just not understanding where I am coming from. Although she does not live locally I recently sent her a one line message which ended up in an hour or so telephone conversation. She has always totally understood Lucy, the way she feels but understands my feelings too. She is just brilliant and supportive and I know she will be there for us both on this journey.

My eldest daughter also has a best friend who she has known since she was 4 years old. After finding out about Lucy she wanted to share with this friend as she knew she would be supportive to both Lucy and myself and could be another person to be there for Lucy (also she is a bit of a party person too would be another person to come out and about with us). Although I was happy with this lovely young lady knowing as I had known her for 15 years, it took a bit longer for Lucy. This was a huge secret that was being put on a 19 year olds shoulders and if it came out before we were ready and prepared it could ruin certain relationships. Anyway eventually Lucy agreed and she was allowed to be told. Since then this friend has added Lucy on Facebook and Snapchat and Lucy feels much more comfortable about her knowing.

Last week when we were arranging for Lucy's name change via deed poll we decided we would host a girls night where my daughters friend and my oldest friend could come over and meet Lucy and also sign the documents for us. It was a fab night as we all dressed up, slapped on the make up and then ate and drunk loads. My son came home from work and was amused to see us all and dived in and ate some of the food. He is very accepting of Lucy which is great. A good fun night that ended up with some Just Dance sessions and I went to work the next day knackered but happy only having had 3 hours sleep.

Lucy and I had already booked a night out in December to go back to Pink Punters and now my daughter and her friend and my childhood friend have also booked hotel rooms to come too. With this date booked it just makes Lucy all the more eager to get back out partying.

We are also looking to get out again to Pink Punters for Valentines weekend in 2016 and have just booked the hotel room for 2 nights which will be great fun. We also have already booked a room for 3 nights to attend Sparkle in Manchester in July 2016 http://www.sparkle.org.uk. It is so exciting having these dates planned. The Sparkle long weekend in particular will be fantastic as Lucy will be able to be dressed all day and all evening and we can go out and about in the day together which we have not been confident enough to do before now.

1st GP visit

Well today we had the first ever visit to the GP. Such a big step for Lucy to take but one small step towards transition and the long road ahead.

We sat there together with nervous anticipation. Lucy was wearing very generic girls clothes and nothing male. Although the system said there was no delay that we were sat waiting for 45 mins before we got seen. The waiting room was uncomfortably warm which really didn't help but we sat there holding hands. No-one paid any attention to us and Lucy commented that in 5 years time if we sat there in the same way that people would notice us...... I said I didn't care.

The first thing that the GP said as we walked in the room was how nice Lucy's coat was. We both threw amused looks at each other as it is a girls parker jacket with a faux fur edged hood. It made us both smile a little. 

When we sat down it seemed to be that the GP wanted to discuss other issues before we managed to get him round to the reason for our visit. I was sitting across the room from Lucy which was the only place there was a second chair and wished I had moved next to her to support her as she started to tell her story to the GP. She told of all her feelings since a child, the unhappiness with her birth body and the double life she continues to lead. Lucy also told of the official name change (we need to change her name at the surgery but it was so late we decided to go back and do this at a later date). He listened to what she had to say and asked her questions about how she felt and why she considered herself to be transgendered which obviously she was able to answer in a lot of detail going back very many years. Lucy told of the support of her 2 step children as well as support from a couple of our close friends. The GP directed a few questions to me which was great as he was making me involved in the discussion and he was able to gather how supportive I am to Lucy, her decision and the path ahead of us. He seemed to be a little surprised that we had got married with me knowing all about Lucy. He did not rush us bearing in mind our appointment was so late and he spent the time getting to fully understand the situation.

He did seem a little unsure of the process but luckily Lucy has kept up to date with all the current referral procedures and processes and she had the GP googling Charing Cross GIC which is where she wants to be referred to. After some discussion about NHS processes he agreed he would refer Lucy there. There was a little light hearted banter about hair loss treatments which was amusing as he was completely bald on top! As we went to leave Lucy commented that this situation may have been a first for the GP but he answered that it wasn't. Not bad for a very small town I suppose.

We walked out the surgery relieved that it had all gone so well discussing what had been said and the merits of me being there. I commented that I was a little disppointed that we didn't get to show a couple of our hundreds of photos which Lucy found most amusing!

This is it. This is real. We have been to a healthcare professional who knew 'him' but was very accepting of Lucy and the situation. Now the long wait for the first GIC appointment which will be torturous. I'm sure we will fill in the time making plenty of preparations.

Thursday, 5 November 2015

Hair and beauty

Well a couple of days ago the online banking showed it had been changed from his to Lucy's name. We celebrated. First major thing to be changed and Lucy was very happy.

It is so funny the conversations we have now. To be DD or not.... Having to delicately speak to girlfriends to work out what DD cup size looks like and pros and cons. Luckily the one friend I spoke to was actually this cup size and the conversation was hilarious as she did not know why I was asking and Lucy was at home cracking up with the messages I was sending. Up until now this has not been a subject that I have researched before and Lucy had definitely not considered the use of sports bras or sleeping with boobs this big.

Then there is the laser hair removal conversations...... is it worth it, areas to have done, the pain etc and then Lucy announced she would have to have 'the man bit' lasered as you can't have hair on the bit that is going to form the inside of her new 'lady garden'. For the next couple of hours we kept looking at each other and pulling light hearted pained faces at each other. It is good that we still have our sense of humour!

From the hair that she wants rid of to the hair she wants to keep..... she is now starting to grow her own hair however she has a couple of thinning patches. Not that bad but still thinning none the less. So until she has a professional consultation and treatment we now have have hair thickening shampoo and a bottle of Regaine and applications being religiously adhered to. More stuff that costs a fortune.

And there is her beauty regime. She totally puts me to shame. Every day for years she has slavered body moisturiser everywhere after bathing or showering. The every other day complete body shaving and the shares that we need to buy in Wilkinson Sword for the amount of Intiution blades she buys. I did contact Wilkinson Sword to see if we could buy these in bulk somewhere but despite explaining our situation they could offer no solution! Thanks for your help - not!

Every bath is either full of bubbles or she has a bath bomb and she is in there for at least an hour. We have had a nightmare with these blinking bath bombs. I didn't realise how completely rubbish they could be.  Lucy loves her Snapchat so there are many a disappointed chat where the bath bomb has sunk to the bottom of the bath with no fizz. It has been a matter of great disappointment for her.... she has tried them from all sorts of different shops but still the lack of fizz. As far as I am am concerned there is only one place to get decent bath stuff (at a price of course) and luckily there is a shop at the station I go via to work so I popped into the wonderful Lush store at London Victoria and picked out a few bath bombs as my pressie to her. The ensuing snapchats were full of elation from Lucy as these didn't just fizz.... they FIZZED!!

For many years she chewed her finger nails off when they got too long and was never bothered about how they looked and pretty much the same with her toenails too. Now she has lovely, strong and manicured nails looked after by her own private manicurist, me! I am not envious at all by how strong her nails are! She also has gorgeous toenails again serviced by her private manicurist. These have lovely gem patterns on them and she is thrilled with them. This week I spent about an hour filing and polishing all her nails for her. My daughters and I love nail varnishes and have a collection of at least 100 of different shades and colours so there is plenty of choice. I have a lovely lady who comes to our house to do nails (fingers and toes) every 4 weeks for myself and a group of friends.  She has been coming over for years and every time Lucy is jealous that she can't have hers done as she is not 'out' to our youngest daughter. She stares whistfully over while we are all having lovely varnish and painted patterns and gems put on our nails. This will obviously all change once our daughter knows and Lucy will be first in line for a proper manicure and pedicure and have some of the gorgeous patterns this lady does on nails.

Luckily my older daughter did a beauty course a year or so ago and now is into beauty as a hobby (although she is now considering a career in this again) so today Lucy had her eyebrows, tinted, waxed and plucked. All looking lovely and neat again. When we are next out in London we will probably get them done and threaded too.

She now has the most amazing makeup collection and I have spent more on getting the proper bits for her than I do on myself. Much of what she has I also have and she is looking forward to the day when she doesn't have to wear such thick foundation. Currently it is the Kryolan TV stick but we have also been looking at MAC Full Coverage foundation but this requires a visit to the shop in Covent Garden to get a colour match done properly. Another job to do when we are next in London - will have to do some saving as none of this stuff comes cheap!

Tomorrow is D day. First appointment with the GP and I'm leaving work early so I can go with Lucy. She is very excited about this but I am more cautious as I really hope that our GP is sympathetic and understands our situation.

Monday, 2 November 2015

Relationships and more

The name change deed poll is all done and dusted. Lucy went into the bank to change the name on his bank account to hers but unfortunately the bank teller wanted to do it at the counter (in front of the queue of people). Obviously Lucy was not comfortable about this and doubted the male teller would be able to hide the shocked look on his face. So now the deed poll and form are in the post to the bank. All the loyalty cards are starting to come in with Lucy's name on them and she is so excited.

Although I have done lots of my own research about the transition process and the impact, I had not done much on relationships as I truely do not doubt our relationship. I was shocked to see that the majority of marriages do fail during or after transition and that the attitude I have towards Lucy and this change is highly unusual but is every trans dream. I truely love the person inside and I have been with this person so long now so how could I not be supportive but also how could I not have this person in my life??? I am not naive enough to not realise that the way ahead will be rocky and a rollercoaster ride but we will do this together.

Already my mind is in overdrive playing conversations I will have with people, what order to tell people and who to tell and who not to. The trouble is that news like this is considered good gossip so even if people are not told they will envitably find out one way or another. I also DO NOT want people to feel sorry for me..... I knew about this in the early days of our relationship and knew that transition was going to be a high probabilty.... not if, but when. Only this week I was contacted by a wife of trans partner as she had heard from another trans friend what Lucy was preparing to do. Although I appreciated her contacting me we both couldn't but think that it only came about as our 'friends' had been gossiping about us already and this is only with a handful of people knowing and people that are from the trans community themselves.

It is funny how you realise that he has been going away slowly for a very long time. He wore a suit tonight which he rarely wears however he was off to football and he looked fantastic which made me a little sad that this was probably one of the last few times I would see him like this. However Lucy was also very sad to be dressed like this and looked very uncomfortable which also made me sad.

I still cannot understand why some people have not appeared to notice anything different or maybe they have but just have not noticed. Long finger nails, plucked eye lashes, completely shaved forearms and longer hair. 

And then it is the funny conversations you have. Tonight it was fake boobs or not...... I never had an opinion really but he was always anti however think this is something that Lucy is considering.

We are closer than we have ever been. I am feeling totally consumed with love for this person and although we have been together nearly 15 years, I yearn for her all the time and my heart just swells whenever I think about her. She seems so much more settled now the transition decision has been made and we are now on the count down to D day - the first appointment with the GP which is now only a few days away. I just hope that the GP is supportive and understanding. Watch this space!

Sunday, 1 November 2015

What's next???

Well Lucy has changed his wardrobe to suit herself. Every day she wears male attire but underneath has another completely femme outfit. Her everyday coat for him is a female parka jacket with a furry hood, his bag is a large female handbag, he wears female rings, has a pale colour varnish on his finger nails and his eyebrows are all plucked and tinted. Still there have been no comments from anyone.

The last few weeks have been filled with uncertainty. She has decided that he wants to transition. Well she did for a few days and then didn't and now she does again.

This is serious stuff! Lucy has researched absolutely everything in great depth. Her biggest concern is the effect her transitioning will have on everyone else. We have several kids between us from previous relationships the youngest being 19 and we have a 13 year old daughter. I also come from a very large and close family and Lucy is worried about everyone. I have told her that if my family is the close family they appear to be, what she does with her life will not impact them and they should be supportive - if they are not, then they are not the family they claim to be. I am pretty confident all my children will be fine. I'm sure there will be some laughter and lots of questions - thing is that he is very macho and male so it will be a complete surprise to them all. At the end of the day our situation may embarrass our family and friends but actually won't directly affect any of them and the way they live their lives. Directly it will affect him, me and our 13 year old daughter who happens to be very worldly wise and very accepting of anything LGBT and is always posting things on Facebook to this effect (no she does not know).

He is also very well known in football and is a well respected referee. There is very little about trans in this community but we see this also an an opportunity for Lucy to give a voice to trans in football. Lucy is emailing the FA to see what their perspective on the situation. I see this as a fantastic opportunity for Lucy.

Lucy desperately needs to transition to be the complete person she is mean to be. I will love her and be by her side all the way through this journey. The frustration of her body is increasing every day. She seems to have so much sadness inside. She identifies with the Sam Smith song - The Writings on the Wall and every word has meaning for her. It makes me so sad that she is hurting so much however she tells me that she is also the happiest she has ever been in her life.

I will continue to love and support her through every step of the way. At the end we are going to have a blessing to reaffirm our marriage. Something nice to look forward after everything. At the beginning of our relationship we went through so much (nothing trans related) and we still came out strong and smiling so I have no doubt that we can face this together. Together we are a force to be reckoned with.

The first doctors appointment is now booked and she has asked that I come with her which of course I am more than happy to do and will attend any appointments she wants me to. There is a minimum of a year waiting list for an appointment at Charing Cross Hospital which gives us time to get things in order before we have to tell people which we will do when the time is right for us.

The next thing top of the list and imminent is a name change. Luckily one of the few people that knows about Lucy (but doesn't not really understand the reality and enormity of the situation) is a childhood friend of mine but also a home owner so we can ask her to sign the paperwork. Lucy is very excited about the formal name change.

Lucy is also now going to start growing her natural hair so she does not have to be reliant on a wig. This will be interesting as he has had a grade 1 cut for years but also naturally has very curly hair. 

Friday, 30 October 2015

Here's Lucy

Lucy had been discovered before we had had time to sort her look out properly. By now she had lots of clothes and accessories but was lacking hair. She was Lucy not Abby (Abby was blonde) and therefore required new hair. Individually we did lots of searching on the internet and coincidently both picked the same hair from the same place. We don't have a lot of money but I thought it was important to complete the look so splashed out and bought it. My present to Lucy. It was from Hong Kong and the review centre had 16 negative reviews about this particular wig supplier so we were nervous about what we would be getting. It was £99 including delivery which was a lot for us but not a lot when you are purchasing a human hair wig.

The package arrived and we were both filled with nervous anticipation. We had decided that even if it was poor quality it didn't matter as it was the final cosmetic piece for Lucy. We opened the package and we were both amazed. It was a beautiful hairpiece and the hair had a lovely natural shine to it. He tried it on dressed as him and it looked great. Neither of us could wait until it was Lucy that was properly wearing it so we booked some time when our younger daughter was out, my son was at work and I took some time off.

We had been collecting makeup and had gone through the old collection and threw away lots. The original foundation a TV stick was fine and still the right colour. My eldest daughter did Lucy's makeup and showed her new things to do and advised other makeup to get. Lucy got dressed and she put her hair on...... OMG the most beautiful woman stood before me. Much prettier and younger looking than Abby and the hair was amazing. Lucy had emerged in front of our eyes and all 3 of us were meeting her for the first time. There she was in her little back dress, black heels looking very glamorous. I felt very dowdy as I had not dressed or put any make up on. We took at least 100 photos in various poses around the house. Lucy was very relaxed and loved the experience although a little paranoid when walking down the stairs past windows. She had intended to change back to him before my son came home from work but my son had other plans. He rushed back and deliberately came running up to the house to cause panic. It was hilarious as Lucy legged it up the stairs slipping as she went, heels in her hand. My son came in and was keen to also meet Lucy for the first time. We called out to Lucy who then tentatively came down the stairs. My son smiled and said that she looked far better than he had imagined. It was good for her to get his acceptance.

Lucy sat downstairs watching tv and just doing normal stuff. We had organised a take away meal for the evening and she again had planned to get changed back to him before it arrived. As it would happen the meal was delivered early and Lucy ate her first meal as Lucy and ended up being dressed for far longer than she had dreamt.

When it became time for her to change, together we embraced and kissed. It was sad for both of us to see her go for the time being. Another day was booked for us to spend time together.


We had to pick surname for Lucy as she didn't want to use the family name. We selected a few options and Lucy made her choice. She also set up her own Facebook and Twitter as well as having a separate phone number to him so we could text and WhatsApp. It was important to differentiate between the 2 and I would speak/message differently depending on who I was talking to. We discussed telling my eldest daughter and how we would tell her but for the time being thought better of it. Little did I know of the explosion that was just about to happen.

He thought that my eldest daughter had been snooping around. No reason for the feeling but it was a feeling he had nonetheless. She had been sharing my laptop and I had been vigilant in making sure I had logged out of Facebook and other places, or so I thought.

There were a few comments. At the time I was watching 'I am Cait' with my daughter and she mentioned about how she would be fine if anyone in our family wanted to transition. Asking me how I felt about it all and ultimately asking me if I had any secrets to share which I denied. This prompted a flurry of messages between Lucy and I. Lucy did her own snooping and found a Reddit post which described our family perfectly and mentioned about the stepdad being trans from a message the posters sister had read on her mums laptop. OMG this was us! The feeling of dread that filled us both was undescribable. The responses the poster (my son) received from other Reddit users were very supportive. The feelings my son had posted on behalf of him and his sister were very balanced and supportive to us. We knew what we had to do.

Lucy picked a time when I was not around to speak to my daughter. Dressed as him she told my daughter about the feelings she had always had, what our life had been like and how together we were as a couple. Lucy showed pictures of us and her going back a few years. My daughter embraced everything and was enthusiastic and supportive. She had studied beauty at college for a while and was already planning beauty treatments and girls nights in for her and Lucy. 

When I came home the pair were thick as thieves and making plans. It was good for Lucy to have another CIS female on her side. My son came home from work early already having been updated by his sister. Again he was incredibly supportive and asked a few good questions which Lucy openly answered. He was concerned for me but once he knew how long I had known about the situation and that I had no issue with it all he felt reassured I was ok.

My daughter and Lucy had lots of girlie nights in. Lucy works nights, I work days and my daughter works erractic hours. For a while I felt excluded as these nights were when I was in bed and I would get up in the morning to be confonted with face pack packets, nail varnish all out and girlie stuff everywhere. The shopping took off to new highs and I have never seen so many deliveries from New Look to our house. Lucy and my daughter have similar taste in clothes so were totally enjoying shopping together. This was a secret which had only been between Lucy and me for 15 years and for my part it was hard sharing her with someone else in the family especially when they were doing beauty things together which I had not been allowed to do for fear of discovery. Eyebrows properly waxed and tinted and the last bit of Lucy not to be shaved, her forearms, finally went. We still have a younger daughter together (13) and for the time being it is important she is not alerted. It has to be when the time is right for us all.

Who is Lucy?

For many years it seemed like Abby was being denied by him. There were traces of her all the time but nothing like we had had before. If I ever asked anything I was dismissed although I knew damn well she was still there. The signs were obvious!

Unexpectedly he started to lose the weight he had gained. A stone at a time and in less than 6 months he had lost 5 1/2 stone. Totally amazing! With this weight loss Abby seemed to be returning little by little. I just knew it would not be long before she emerged completely again but as is typical with us, not without a little drama!

We went to a family birthday party in Milton Keynes. Very simple and a great night. However this meant that we were staying in a hotel. After the event had finished we were only a few minutes in a cab ride from Pink Punters. A little worse for wear we bundled in a taxi, me, him and my oldest daughter. I knew this was going to be trouble.

We had not been there for 8 years. The whole place had totally changed and was totally packed with all sorts of people even though it was still LGBT. I knew it would be bitter sweet going there but also dangerous. We stayed for about an hour. We had never been there as me and him before and it was an unusual experience and didn't feel right.

When we got back to our hotel room the discussion turned to Abby and the way he was feeling. He opened up to me in a way he had never done for many years but also hinted there were things I didn't know about. More childhood stories were shared, like wearing the boys uniform when he wanted to wear the girls, organising his mates to dress up as girls to gatecrash a girls party....... and that he immersed himself into football as that was his total escape from everything but gave the male image that everyone wanted. He also said that Abby was gone..... we now had Lucy. 

Abby had always been a name chosen in haste however he had always identified with the name Lucy so Lucy it was. Apparently Lucy had been here a while in secret (I knew something had been going on), she had a different wardrobe and style to Abby. The age of internet shopping and in particular Amazon had made life so much easier for purchasing clothes and other bits.

Apparently Lucy is brunette and has a different way of dressing to Abby. He had never stopped with the shaving, underwear, toe nail varnish etc even when he was bigger.

Since he lost the weight he had been shopping crazy and the day after the family party he showed me a couple of bits. Lucy had been dressing all the time when we (the family) are not around and Lucy who is a taxi driver sometimes drives the taxi at night dressed but no makeup, wig etc. He said he loves me so very much and loves the life we have but is also so not happy as he would just love to be a woman and yearns for this. 

I knew from this point things were about to change. I was concerned that there seemed to be secrets that had not been confided and I turned to a friend, a wife of a trans friend. Not for advice but just to listen to how I was feeling. This friend was very supportive and understood how I felt. It felt good to confide in someone. I was worried about not being enough for him. He confided for the first time that he wanted to transition but won't because of me and the kids and the whole thing would change our life. He said I didn't understand what he was going through but it was difficult to support him when I don't know the truth. I was gutted that we had to have to have a night away for him to open up to me. Up until this point I thought we had been very open with each other.


Bye Abby

For a few years we continued going out and having fun living a double life. Boy we really had some fun times together.

As a couple we had always been close but this seemed to bring us so much closer. By now he was wearing underwear, toe nail varnish, ankle chain, belly ring and shaving full time (apart from his arms). This was fine by me as we had reached our happy place. Shaving in the winter, growing it back for the summer so not to raise suspicions from the family especially in the pool on holiday. Always bitter sweet as I had grown to love the double life we had so missed it when we didn't go out.

He had proposed many years ago and as we had both been married before I was in no rush to get married. By now we had a daughter together that both sets of kids adored. Eventually we decided to get married which we did in spite of everything I knew about this man I loved. To me it made absolutely no difference. I had always been very comfortable with my sexuality so it didn't matter if my partner of choice was a man, woman or anything inbetween. Recently my daughter has called me Pan Sexual and although I hate tags this is a tag I would be proud to wear.

We got married abroad and it was the most fantastic day of my life. It is a day I will never forget for the rest of my life.

Just before we got married he started to put on weight.... he gave up smoking and the counter effect was weight gain. The confidence went and Abby was resigned to the wardrobe. He threw away many of Abby's clothes and went into denial and poor Abby was renounced. The only thing that remained was the underwear, ankle chain and belly ring. Even so everything was very covert and nothing was open any more. No more nights out.... Abby was gone :(

More going out and meeting people

Through the first evening out we met a couple of girls that we stayed in touch with. The Angels was a great support group but it became obvious there was precious little support for trans partners. I muted the idea of a Yahoo offshoot group where partners could chat together but privately away from their partners about their fears, concerns and swap stories. The Angels founders took this on board and created a separate partners group. This proved invaluable and through this group I met some really good friends.

The Angels also organised nights out for everyone where girls and partners could go out clubbing and drinking together. By this time we had got to know a few people from the chat forum. A night was organised to go to a place in Milton Keynes called Pink Punters which is a LGBT venue. As well as access to the floors of the club (there are 2 floors) we also would have access to a quieter attic bar should we want to escape for a while. This was very reassuring.

We booked a room in the Campanile hotel dead opposite Pink Punters where we were all staying and all organised a time to meet up with everyone else fully dressed. The excitement and panic set in. This was our first time out doing our own makeup etc but we had nothing to worry about. Once we had met up, the worst thing was tottering across the grass wearing high heels and then crossing a busy A road.

The club was massive and the 2 dance floors on 2 floors were playing different music. We first went up to the attic bar before we felt ok to venture out into the rest of the club. Although this was a 'trans' night and there very many girls dressed up in a wide variety of outfits and styles there were also members of the LGB community as well as a handful of straight people. We ventured out quite quickly as we have always loved a good party and before we knew it we were dancing away, having a fabulous time and marvelling at the outfits and makeup of the other girls from the discrete and quiet to the large, loud and extravagant. We were joined by the new friends we had made both trans girls and partners and had an amazing night out. This ended up being one night of many at Pink Punters. This became our venue of choice as it was not filled with trans people so gave the impression of a 'normal' club and we had such a great time there.

The next time out there was for a Christmas party where we all donned our glad rags and went for dinner at the Campanile first before venturing out and having a party at Pink Punters (PP). Through this I met some fantastic life long friends who were partners of trans people.

We ventured out once again to Transmission in London. This time our newly made friends all stayed at the local Thistle Hotel. This turned out to be one of the best nights out ever. We partied away all night at Transmission and then then went back to the hotel where Abby proceeded to coerece the night receptionist into swapping clothes...... so for a few minutes Abby became the receptionist to the delight of the girls we were with.

Unfortunately at some point during the later part of the evening one of the girls a little worse for wear tampered with Abby's hair.... this caused a little uncomfortable moment but once hair was rearranged all was ok. The biggest cardinal sin is for anyone to touch the hair!!

We preferred venues which were not full of trans people as we wanted an environment as normal as we could have. We spent many a long weekend partying away at Pink Punters. We would arrive on the Friday and leave on the Sunday totally shattered but totally fulfilled. Such fun we had, just me and Abby.

Going out - yikes!

After some time of dressing just at home I tentatively approached Abby with the view to venturing out and about. It seemed such a waste to put all this effort into dressing at home and not utilising it by getting out and about. This obviously was going to a MASSIVE step for Abby and she was incredibly nervous.... understandably!

By now we had discovered a small Yahoo group called The Angels. They had a Yahoo page and chat forum where help and advice was available from likeminded people from the whole spectrum of the trans community. At this point it was fairly new and we had happened across it a couple of years after it had started. Now they have an active webpage and Facebook page with hundreds of girls and partners. From here we got advice and suggestions of where to go, makeup, clothes and businesses that were there to help the trans community.

Stepping out for a first timer is a very scary prospect. We wanted to get it right so booked an appointment with a place who would do your makeup and escort you to a club called Transmission in London (sadly now no longer there). We booked a hotel room nearby and the makeup agency booked some rooms in serviced offices and we nervously went there as he and she with clothes, hair etc in a bag. 

The place was packed and was a hive of activity. Makeup artists putting on faces for lots of girls all of whom seemed just as nervous as Abby. We had to wait a little time before it was Abbys turn to sit in the chair. There was a small chat about style of makeup and then a woman proceeded to bring Abby to life. Whilst I appreciate that these people do a fantastic job in making up the girls and bring to life their hidden persona (for a price) for Abby the makeup appeared quite garish and very typical 'tranny' style. There was nothing understated about the way she looked. I also remember being shocked how rough they were at brushing Abby's 'hair'. Nevertheless she was glammed up along with everyone else and we all jumped into mini vans and driven to the venue.

Tentatively the girls took their first steps out into the real world. For many like Abby this was their first time out and they were all as nervous as each other. It was great as I was able to support some of the girls who had come on their own as well as supporting Abby. To be fair on this evening out there were not many female CIS partners and for many they were doing this without their partners permission and/or knowledge. 

What a night it was was. It was a predominantly 'tranny' club covering the whole spectrum and was filled mainly by the community with a few stray men. It just seemed to be all colourful, glittery and shiny. We drunk and danced the night away with both of us having achy feet at the end. It was a brilliant first outing.

Meeting 'her'

By this time I was anxious to meet this other person in my fella's life. What did she look like, what clothes did she wear, my head was spinning. At this point she was unnamed and unknown to me. However our life as boyfriend and girlfriend continued. Nothing had changed and at this point he wasn't wearing anything feminine while with me.

He was obviously very nervous and had a lot to lose by opening completely up to me but I needed to meet this other person. So we picked one night where we would be on our own with no children around. He went upstairs to my bedroom whilst I sat nervously downstairs. My head was spinning with excitment and intrepidation..... how would I react, how would he react, how would I feel...... the thoughts were endless.......

He shouted down to me and carefully came down the stairs. I saw the black high heels first with stockinged legs, the swish of a long black dress, topped with a blonde bob wig. Fairly light makeup and bright red lipstick.......

Oh my God...... here was my man, dressed like a woman stood before me. He even had breast forms and a bra. This was obviously no casual game of dress up as a lot of thought, time and effort had been invested. I could see he was shaking and as I held his hands I could feel they were clammy with nerves. We sat down together and held each other.

I actually felt so comfortable.... not sure he felt the same way. We held hands and chatted for hours. Realisation of the situation sunk in but this was fine for me. I knew this was not an issue and would not get in the way of me continuing to love this man.... woman..... whatever. It didn't matter to me.

Over the next few weeks together we made some changes. Firstly we had to come up with a name for this new person in our life. Several names were banded around but we finally settled on Abby. Secondly we needed to get a new wig.... the hair he had chosen was a cheap blonde bob and my thoughts when I first saw Abby was that her hair made her look like her mum. We had to change that! We searched the internet together and found a lovely longer blonde wig, not expensive, but different. We also hit the shops together...... Superdrug to get new make up and the womens clothes shops. We had great fun browsing the rails together and picking out clothes and underwear for Abby. We researched the right foundation to buy and bought some online. She now had a whole new wardrobe, makeup, perfume and toiletries. It was at this point she started shaving.... 

She was fully dressing when I wasn't around however we made time to have special nights in together. We had to make sure none of the kids were around or awake and the slightest noise would send us both jumping around. These nights were lovely and we would drink wine, chat, watch tv and surf the internet. By now we had found websites and chat rooms supporting people like Abby. This was a whole new world for us both. Mostly these nights were very sexually charged and one thing generally led to another with Abby still wearing her underwear in bed. 

For a long time this was just how it was.

Thursday, 29 October 2015

In the beginning

In the beginning it was just me and him...... that's how it started. Second time around for both of us and love at first sight. Soulmates for life and everything just felt so right. 

He was a 'Sarft London geezer' and I was from Surrey. And so the jokes began but it was all great light hearted banter with an enormous amount of love.

It was still early days with snatched moments away from the children, some fun nights out and lots of loving in between. Christmas season was approaching and there were some drunken nights out at work parties that involved an overnight stay in a hotel. It was one of these nights that changed my life forever.......

After an amazing and fun night out we collapsed back in the hotel room. We were buzzing and full of love for each other. Laying on the bed chatting intimately the conversation turned to the clothes I was wearing.... low cut, tight but stretchy mid-length black dress and hold ups. He loved touching what I was wearing and tentatively mentioned that he had 'a thing' about womens clothes. Without hesitation I suggested he put my clothes on. He was incredibly nervous and unsure and little did I know of the pandoras box I was opening. He laid there in my clothes, nervous but happy. A night of incredible passion followed.

Further discussions followed over the next few weeks and once he started to relax more and he started to open up. A feeling of being born in the wrong body, frustrations of the body he had, small incidents being caught as a child by his mother wearing female clothes and being chastised were just a few. It had transpired that he had been full dressing in secret for several years however had been wearing womens underwear for nearly all his life. Through the power of Ebay he had bought lots of clothes.... and hair! I was the first person he had ever confided in and no-one else had a clue. Even at this point I appreciated what an incredible risk he had taken in telling me. It all could have gone so terribly wrong.

Luckily I had been brought up in a very open family and mum had worked in the rag trade in the West End in the 1950/60's and had seen lots of different and eclectic people and passed this openess to us children. In my teens one of my friends was a M2F trans who was going through transition and throughout my life the whole spectrum of LGBT seemed to gravitate towards me. How did I feel?...... surprised, yes...... curious, yes...... shocked, no...... and my head was whirling but I still had no idea of what the future may hold or where we would go from here. All I knew was that I loved this man with all of me and would support him in anyway I could.