Friday, 30 October 2015

Here's Lucy

Lucy had been discovered before we had had time to sort her look out properly. By now she had lots of clothes and accessories but was lacking hair. She was Lucy not Abby (Abby was blonde) and therefore required new hair. Individually we did lots of searching on the internet and coincidently both picked the same hair from the same place. We don't have a lot of money but I thought it was important to complete the look so splashed out and bought it. My present to Lucy. It was from Hong Kong and the review centre had 16 negative reviews about this particular wig supplier so we were nervous about what we would be getting. It was £99 including delivery which was a lot for us but not a lot when you are purchasing a human hair wig.

The package arrived and we were both filled with nervous anticipation. We had decided that even if it was poor quality it didn't matter as it was the final cosmetic piece for Lucy. We opened the package and we were both amazed. It was a beautiful hairpiece and the hair had a lovely natural shine to it. He tried it on dressed as him and it looked great. Neither of us could wait until it was Lucy that was properly wearing it so we booked some time when our younger daughter was out, my son was at work and I took some time off.

We had been collecting makeup and had gone through the old collection and threw away lots. The original foundation a TV stick was fine and still the right colour. My eldest daughter did Lucy's makeup and showed her new things to do and advised other makeup to get. Lucy got dressed and she put her hair on...... OMG the most beautiful woman stood before me. Much prettier and younger looking than Abby and the hair was amazing. Lucy had emerged in front of our eyes and all 3 of us were meeting her for the first time. There she was in her little back dress, black heels looking very glamorous. I felt very dowdy as I had not dressed or put any make up on. We took at least 100 photos in various poses around the house. Lucy was very relaxed and loved the experience although a little paranoid when walking down the stairs past windows. She had intended to change back to him before my son came home from work but my son had other plans. He rushed back and deliberately came running up to the house to cause panic. It was hilarious as Lucy legged it up the stairs slipping as she went, heels in her hand. My son came in and was keen to also meet Lucy for the first time. We called out to Lucy who then tentatively came down the stairs. My son smiled and said that she looked far better than he had imagined. It was good for her to get his acceptance.

Lucy sat downstairs watching tv and just doing normal stuff. We had organised a take away meal for the evening and she again had planned to get changed back to him before it arrived. As it would happen the meal was delivered early and Lucy ate her first meal as Lucy and ended up being dressed for far longer than she had dreamt.

When it became time for her to change, together we embraced and kissed. It was sad for both of us to see her go for the time being. Another day was booked for us to spend time together.


We had to pick surname for Lucy as she didn't want to use the family name. We selected a few options and Lucy made her choice. She also set up her own Facebook and Twitter as well as having a separate phone number to him so we could text and WhatsApp. It was important to differentiate between the 2 and I would speak/message differently depending on who I was talking to. We discussed telling my eldest daughter and how we would tell her but for the time being thought better of it. Little did I know of the explosion that was just about to happen.

He thought that my eldest daughter had been snooping around. No reason for the feeling but it was a feeling he had nonetheless. She had been sharing my laptop and I had been vigilant in making sure I had logged out of Facebook and other places, or so I thought.

There were a few comments. At the time I was watching 'I am Cait' with my daughter and she mentioned about how she would be fine if anyone in our family wanted to transition. Asking me how I felt about it all and ultimately asking me if I had any secrets to share which I denied. This prompted a flurry of messages between Lucy and I. Lucy did her own snooping and found a Reddit post which described our family perfectly and mentioned about the stepdad being trans from a message the posters sister had read on her mums laptop. OMG this was us! The feeling of dread that filled us both was undescribable. The responses the poster (my son) received from other Reddit users were very supportive. The feelings my son had posted on behalf of him and his sister were very balanced and supportive to us. We knew what we had to do.

Lucy picked a time when I was not around to speak to my daughter. Dressed as him she told my daughter about the feelings she had always had, what our life had been like and how together we were as a couple. Lucy showed pictures of us and her going back a few years. My daughter embraced everything and was enthusiastic and supportive. She had studied beauty at college for a while and was already planning beauty treatments and girls nights in for her and Lucy. 

When I came home the pair were thick as thieves and making plans. It was good for Lucy to have another CIS female on her side. My son came home from work early already having been updated by his sister. Again he was incredibly supportive and asked a few good questions which Lucy openly answered. He was concerned for me but once he knew how long I had known about the situation and that I had no issue with it all he felt reassured I was ok.

My daughter and Lucy had lots of girlie nights in. Lucy works nights, I work days and my daughter works erractic hours. For a while I felt excluded as these nights were when I was in bed and I would get up in the morning to be confonted with face pack packets, nail varnish all out and girlie stuff everywhere. The shopping took off to new highs and I have never seen so many deliveries from New Look to our house. Lucy and my daughter have similar taste in clothes so were totally enjoying shopping together. This was a secret which had only been between Lucy and me for 15 years and for my part it was hard sharing her with someone else in the family especially when they were doing beauty things together which I had not been allowed to do for fear of discovery. Eyebrows properly waxed and tinted and the last bit of Lucy not to be shaved, her forearms, finally went. We still have a younger daughter together (13) and for the time being it is important she is not alerted. It has to be when the time is right for us all.

Who is Lucy?

For many years it seemed like Abby was being denied by him. There were traces of her all the time but nothing like we had had before. If I ever asked anything I was dismissed although I knew damn well she was still there. The signs were obvious!

Unexpectedly he started to lose the weight he had gained. A stone at a time and in less than 6 months he had lost 5 1/2 stone. Totally amazing! With this weight loss Abby seemed to be returning little by little. I just knew it would not be long before she emerged completely again but as is typical with us, not without a little drama!

We went to a family birthday party in Milton Keynes. Very simple and a great night. However this meant that we were staying in a hotel. After the event had finished we were only a few minutes in a cab ride from Pink Punters. A little worse for wear we bundled in a taxi, me, him and my oldest daughter. I knew this was going to be trouble.

We had not been there for 8 years. The whole place had totally changed and was totally packed with all sorts of people even though it was still LGBT. I knew it would be bitter sweet going there but also dangerous. We stayed for about an hour. We had never been there as me and him before and it was an unusual experience and didn't feel right.

When we got back to our hotel room the discussion turned to Abby and the way he was feeling. He opened up to me in a way he had never done for many years but also hinted there were things I didn't know about. More childhood stories were shared, like wearing the boys uniform when he wanted to wear the girls, organising his mates to dress up as girls to gatecrash a girls party....... and that he immersed himself into football as that was his total escape from everything but gave the male image that everyone wanted. He also said that Abby was gone..... we now had Lucy. 

Abby had always been a name chosen in haste however he had always identified with the name Lucy so Lucy it was. Apparently Lucy had been here a while in secret (I knew something had been going on), she had a different wardrobe and style to Abby. The age of internet shopping and in particular Amazon had made life so much easier for purchasing clothes and other bits.

Apparently Lucy is brunette and has a different way of dressing to Abby. He had never stopped with the shaving, underwear, toe nail varnish etc even when he was bigger.

Since he lost the weight he had been shopping crazy and the day after the family party he showed me a couple of bits. Lucy had been dressing all the time when we (the family) are not around and Lucy who is a taxi driver sometimes drives the taxi at night dressed but no makeup, wig etc. He said he loves me so very much and loves the life we have but is also so not happy as he would just love to be a woman and yearns for this. 

I knew from this point things were about to change. I was concerned that there seemed to be secrets that had not been confided and I turned to a friend, a wife of a trans friend. Not for advice but just to listen to how I was feeling. This friend was very supportive and understood how I felt. It felt good to confide in someone. I was worried about not being enough for him. He confided for the first time that he wanted to transition but won't because of me and the kids and the whole thing would change our life. He said I didn't understand what he was going through but it was difficult to support him when I don't know the truth. I was gutted that we had to have to have a night away for him to open up to me. Up until this point I thought we had been very open with each other.


Bye Abby

For a few years we continued going out and having fun living a double life. Boy we really had some fun times together.

As a couple we had always been close but this seemed to bring us so much closer. By now he was wearing underwear, toe nail varnish, ankle chain, belly ring and shaving full time (apart from his arms). This was fine by me as we had reached our happy place. Shaving in the winter, growing it back for the summer so not to raise suspicions from the family especially in the pool on holiday. Always bitter sweet as I had grown to love the double life we had so missed it when we didn't go out.

He had proposed many years ago and as we had both been married before I was in no rush to get married. By now we had a daughter together that both sets of kids adored. Eventually we decided to get married which we did in spite of everything I knew about this man I loved. To me it made absolutely no difference. I had always been very comfortable with my sexuality so it didn't matter if my partner of choice was a man, woman or anything inbetween. Recently my daughter has called me Pan Sexual and although I hate tags this is a tag I would be proud to wear.

We got married abroad and it was the most fantastic day of my life. It is a day I will never forget for the rest of my life.

Just before we got married he started to put on weight.... he gave up smoking and the counter effect was weight gain. The confidence went and Abby was resigned to the wardrobe. He threw away many of Abby's clothes and went into denial and poor Abby was renounced. The only thing that remained was the underwear, ankle chain and belly ring. Even so everything was very covert and nothing was open any more. No more nights out.... Abby was gone :(

More going out and meeting people

Through the first evening out we met a couple of girls that we stayed in touch with. The Angels was a great support group but it became obvious there was precious little support for trans partners. I muted the idea of a Yahoo offshoot group where partners could chat together but privately away from their partners about their fears, concerns and swap stories. The Angels founders took this on board and created a separate partners group. This proved invaluable and through this group I met some really good friends.

The Angels also organised nights out for everyone where girls and partners could go out clubbing and drinking together. By this time we had got to know a few people from the chat forum. A night was organised to go to a place in Milton Keynes called Pink Punters which is a LGBT venue. As well as access to the floors of the club (there are 2 floors) we also would have access to a quieter attic bar should we want to escape for a while. This was very reassuring.

We booked a room in the Campanile hotel dead opposite Pink Punters where we were all staying and all organised a time to meet up with everyone else fully dressed. The excitement and panic set in. This was our first time out doing our own makeup etc but we had nothing to worry about. Once we had met up, the worst thing was tottering across the grass wearing high heels and then crossing a busy A road.

The club was massive and the 2 dance floors on 2 floors were playing different music. We first went up to the attic bar before we felt ok to venture out into the rest of the club. Although this was a 'trans' night and there very many girls dressed up in a wide variety of outfits and styles there were also members of the LGB community as well as a handful of straight people. We ventured out quite quickly as we have always loved a good party and before we knew it we were dancing away, having a fabulous time and marvelling at the outfits and makeup of the other girls from the discrete and quiet to the large, loud and extravagant. We were joined by the new friends we had made both trans girls and partners and had an amazing night out. This ended up being one night of many at Pink Punters. This became our venue of choice as it was not filled with trans people so gave the impression of a 'normal' club and we had such a great time there.

The next time out there was for a Christmas party where we all donned our glad rags and went for dinner at the Campanile first before venturing out and having a party at Pink Punters (PP). Through this I met some fantastic life long friends who were partners of trans people.

We ventured out once again to Transmission in London. This time our newly made friends all stayed at the local Thistle Hotel. This turned out to be one of the best nights out ever. We partied away all night at Transmission and then then went back to the hotel where Abby proceeded to coerece the night receptionist into swapping clothes...... so for a few minutes Abby became the receptionist to the delight of the girls we were with.

Unfortunately at some point during the later part of the evening one of the girls a little worse for wear tampered with Abby's hair.... this caused a little uncomfortable moment but once hair was rearranged all was ok. The biggest cardinal sin is for anyone to touch the hair!!

We preferred venues which were not full of trans people as we wanted an environment as normal as we could have. We spent many a long weekend partying away at Pink Punters. We would arrive on the Friday and leave on the Sunday totally shattered but totally fulfilled. Such fun we had, just me and Abby.

Going out - yikes!

After some time of dressing just at home I tentatively approached Abby with the view to venturing out and about. It seemed such a waste to put all this effort into dressing at home and not utilising it by getting out and about. This obviously was going to a MASSIVE step for Abby and she was incredibly nervous.... understandably!

By now we had discovered a small Yahoo group called The Angels. They had a Yahoo page and chat forum where help and advice was available from likeminded people from the whole spectrum of the trans community. At this point it was fairly new and we had happened across it a couple of years after it had started. Now they have an active webpage and Facebook page with hundreds of girls and partners. From here we got advice and suggestions of where to go, makeup, clothes and businesses that were there to help the trans community.

Stepping out for a first timer is a very scary prospect. We wanted to get it right so booked an appointment with a place who would do your makeup and escort you to a club called Transmission in London (sadly now no longer there). We booked a hotel room nearby and the makeup agency booked some rooms in serviced offices and we nervously went there as he and she with clothes, hair etc in a bag. 

The place was packed and was a hive of activity. Makeup artists putting on faces for lots of girls all of whom seemed just as nervous as Abby. We had to wait a little time before it was Abbys turn to sit in the chair. There was a small chat about style of makeup and then a woman proceeded to bring Abby to life. Whilst I appreciate that these people do a fantastic job in making up the girls and bring to life their hidden persona (for a price) for Abby the makeup appeared quite garish and very typical 'tranny' style. There was nothing understated about the way she looked. I also remember being shocked how rough they were at brushing Abby's 'hair'. Nevertheless she was glammed up along with everyone else and we all jumped into mini vans and driven to the venue.

Tentatively the girls took their first steps out into the real world. For many like Abby this was their first time out and they were all as nervous as each other. It was great as I was able to support some of the girls who had come on their own as well as supporting Abby. To be fair on this evening out there were not many female CIS partners and for many they were doing this without their partners permission and/or knowledge. 

What a night it was was. It was a predominantly 'tranny' club covering the whole spectrum and was filled mainly by the community with a few stray men. It just seemed to be all colourful, glittery and shiny. We drunk and danced the night away with both of us having achy feet at the end. It was a brilliant first outing.

Meeting 'her'

By this time I was anxious to meet this other person in my fella's life. What did she look like, what clothes did she wear, my head was spinning. At this point she was unnamed and unknown to me. However our life as boyfriend and girlfriend continued. Nothing had changed and at this point he wasn't wearing anything feminine while with me.

He was obviously very nervous and had a lot to lose by opening completely up to me but I needed to meet this other person. So we picked one night where we would be on our own with no children around. He went upstairs to my bedroom whilst I sat nervously downstairs. My head was spinning with excitment and intrepidation..... how would I react, how would he react, how would I feel...... the thoughts were endless.......

He shouted down to me and carefully came down the stairs. I saw the black high heels first with stockinged legs, the swish of a long black dress, topped with a blonde bob wig. Fairly light makeup and bright red lipstick.......

Oh my God...... here was my man, dressed like a woman stood before me. He even had breast forms and a bra. This was obviously no casual game of dress up as a lot of thought, time and effort had been invested. I could see he was shaking and as I held his hands I could feel they were clammy with nerves. We sat down together and held each other.

I actually felt so comfortable.... not sure he felt the same way. We held hands and chatted for hours. Realisation of the situation sunk in but this was fine for me. I knew this was not an issue and would not get in the way of me continuing to love this man.... woman..... whatever. It didn't matter to me.

Over the next few weeks together we made some changes. Firstly we had to come up with a name for this new person in our life. Several names were banded around but we finally settled on Abby. Secondly we needed to get a new wig.... the hair he had chosen was a cheap blonde bob and my thoughts when I first saw Abby was that her hair made her look like her mum. We had to change that! We searched the internet together and found a lovely longer blonde wig, not expensive, but different. We also hit the shops together...... Superdrug to get new make up and the womens clothes shops. We had great fun browsing the rails together and picking out clothes and underwear for Abby. We researched the right foundation to buy and bought some online. She now had a whole new wardrobe, makeup, perfume and toiletries. It was at this point she started shaving.... 

She was fully dressing when I wasn't around however we made time to have special nights in together. We had to make sure none of the kids were around or awake and the slightest noise would send us both jumping around. These nights were lovely and we would drink wine, chat, watch tv and surf the internet. By now we had found websites and chat rooms supporting people like Abby. This was a whole new world for us both. Mostly these nights were very sexually charged and one thing generally led to another with Abby still wearing her underwear in bed. 

For a long time this was just how it was.

Thursday, 29 October 2015

In the beginning

In the beginning it was just me and him...... that's how it started. Second time around for both of us and love at first sight. Soulmates for life and everything just felt so right. 

He was a 'Sarft London geezer' and I was from Surrey. And so the jokes began but it was all great light hearted banter with an enormous amount of love.

It was still early days with snatched moments away from the children, some fun nights out and lots of loving in between. Christmas season was approaching and there were some drunken nights out at work parties that involved an overnight stay in a hotel. It was one of these nights that changed my life forever.......

After an amazing and fun night out we collapsed back in the hotel room. We were buzzing and full of love for each other. Laying on the bed chatting intimately the conversation turned to the clothes I was wearing.... low cut, tight but stretchy mid-length black dress and hold ups. He loved touching what I was wearing and tentatively mentioned that he had 'a thing' about womens clothes. Without hesitation I suggested he put my clothes on. He was incredibly nervous and unsure and little did I know of the pandoras box I was opening. He laid there in my clothes, nervous but happy. A night of incredible passion followed.

Further discussions followed over the next few weeks and once he started to relax more and he started to open up. A feeling of being born in the wrong body, frustrations of the body he had, small incidents being caught as a child by his mother wearing female clothes and being chastised were just a few. It had transpired that he had been full dressing in secret for several years however had been wearing womens underwear for nearly all his life. Through the power of Ebay he had bought lots of clothes.... and hair! I was the first person he had ever confided in and no-one else had a clue. Even at this point I appreciated what an incredible risk he had taken in telling me. It all could have gone so terribly wrong.

Luckily I had been brought up in a very open family and mum had worked in the rag trade in the West End in the 1950/60's and had seen lots of different and eclectic people and passed this openess to us children. In my teens one of my friends was a M2F trans who was going through transition and throughout my life the whole spectrum of LGBT seemed to gravitate towards me. How did I feel?...... surprised, yes...... curious, yes...... shocked, no...... and my head was whirling but I still had no idea of what the future may hold or where we would go from here. All I knew was that I loved this man with all of me and would support him in anyway I could.