My youngest sister and my brother in law

I am the eldest of 4 children. I have 2 sisters and a brother. As I have already written we are a close family. My parents and my brother live relatively close by, my 2 sisters live 40 mins or so from each other and the closest, my youngest sister lives just under 2 hours away.

She (A) is the one who probably looks the most like me apart from her red hair, and we have much in common despite the 7 year age gap. We have daughters the same age, 21 and 15, with only a few weeks gap between each of them and obviously this meant we were pregnant at the same time. We both have other children but our girls are particularly close and although they are cousins they are in many ways like sisters.

During the summer holidays I arranged to go and spend the day with her and our 2 youngest daughters. My other sister was away so was unable to come too but it was lovely spending quality time with A. We got there early and had a great time catching up and then went to walk her dog before we headed off to the shops and for lunch.

We were on our own as the girls had stayed behind as they were far too busy and having so much fun playing Just Dance to come with us. Whilst we were walking the dog we were talking about future plans and the mood was just right so I told her that we had some great plans for 2018 and that recent job changes and ‘him’ starting a new business were part of that plan. She was curious about what it all meant so I just blurted out that ‘he’ was transgendered.

She said that she was surprised but not shocked. She thought that 'he' had hidden it very well and understood at the way 'he' had portrayed himself to be something he wasn't. She was unexpectedly very understanding and supportive and asked several questions about Lucy and the situation and what the future plans were. She was very much of the attitude that you should live your life how you want to and not worry about everyone else. I showed her some pictures and she was amazed and said how you would have never have known this was the 'man' she knew and Lucy looked great. Lucy's birthday was only a few weeks away and she was adamant that she was going to send a female card to her and said there was no point sending anything male oriented as it wouldn't be right. Actually her support was amazing and we spent the rest of the day having snatched conversations when the girls were not in earshot. This gave me the opportunity to really convey how I feel but also explain this hidden part of our life. When it was time to go I did ask her not to tell her husband as I needed to tell Lucy I had told her first. 

When I got home Lucy guessed that I had told A and I then told my sister Lucy knew she knew. This sparked some lovely texts from A to Lucy which was great. Lucy said that it was unfair to expect her to keep such a big secret from her husband M and said she could update him......

Over the years Male Lucy and M have had a brilliant relationship. Very much a bromance and a mutual admiration and deep friendship full of laughter and drunken antics. Our families have holidayed together, as adults we have been to the adult only Warner holidays and we have had lots of fun times together and M is always asking after 'him' (because male Lucy does not go to many family events as 'he' just does not feel comfortable).

I'm not sure what sort of reaction we were expecting. Up until this point everyone who had been told had been really supportive and accepting. We knew that this couldn't continue.....

For a while we were on tenderhooks knowing that A was telling M and we kept checking my phone for messages. Eventually A messaged..... M had taken it very badly.... he was absolutely devastated and had likened the loss he was feeling akin to a bereavement. He was mourning the loss of one of his best friends and the relationship they had had and was physically very upset. We were shocked and very saddened at the feelings M was having. Having not met Lucy, M could not know that she was exactly the same person inside, it was just the outside appearance was changing. The messages we were getting were that M was trying to be accepting but needed time to come to terms with the situation and in time he would feel in a position to meet and communicate with Lucy. I could see what this situation was doing to Lucy.... she was upset too and then all the self blame started to surface and she just felt so bad that her situation was causing so much distress.

We didn't hear much for a couple of days until my sister messaged me again to say that M was still very upset, so much so she was worried that their youngest daughter thought the cause of the upset was that they were splitting up and she asked if they could let her know the situation followed by their other 2 older children. The problem we were faced with was that we could not be sure that their children would be able to not say anything to anyone about this huge secret. Whereas my kids and our daughter knew, we knew they would be more discrete as it involved their parents.... this would not be the case for my nieces and nephew. I did message her back with a long explanation as to why we felt uncomfortable about them telling their children and the worry of them outing Lucy before 'go-live day' especially as we still have Lucy's 2 sons to tell but I did end it saying that if they felt they had no other choice then it would be their decision as their parents to make.

To this day we do not know if they have said anything. It is now nearly 2 months later and we have heard nothing from A or M on this subject. My sister has chatted about other things but still nothing has been said. We have no idea how M is doing either. We just hope that he has found a way to accept Lucy. One of my sons who has had a 'last man standing' competition with male Lucy on many occasions was laughing the other day saying that he would now win it by default as Lucy would be the last woman standing!

The reaction of M has been quite eye-opening. Male Lucy has 3 other very close male friends who have the same sort of close relationship with 'him' as M did. It has made us wonder how they will react.... each of these 3 are macho males and enjoy a similar bromance relationship with 'him'. Lucy says she wants to tell them all at the same time whereas I would prefer to stagger it as it could all be just as emotionally draining as the M situation just 3 times worse if dealing with the fallout from 3 friends at the same time. Watch this space!

Trans widow - Q & A

If you follow my blog then you will probably know about Lucy and I and the journey we are on. I know that putting a blog into the public domain means it is available to one and all. I have seen other bloggers suffer real transphobic abuse from people who comment (some from within the trans community) and I suppose that in the 18 months I have been blogging I have been lucky..... well until the day after my last blog post was featured on T-Central.

A CIS woman calling herself a trans widow decided to comment on my blog and it was totally obvious from her comments that she had only read the recent post and had not read any of my previous posts and really knew nothing about Lucy and our situation. Everyone has a different journey and a different outcome and it is very sad that 'Penelope' has not moved on with her life and felt it appropriate to post the vitriolic comments on my blog. Life goes on and just because her relationship failed it doesn't mean they all do or that ours will.

I did make a couple of comments back to her and even Lucy who is usually very quiet decided to comment but I was not prepared to rise to the bait of a bitter woman who thinks everyone's experience must be the same as hers. I don't have to answer to anyone let alone a bitter stranger but thought I would answer her questions here:

Hasn't anyone told you about autogynephilia?

What on earth is that? I hate people who use words that are not commonly used. I had to google it "Autogynephilia is the "mental illness" described by the theory that transgender women who aren't exclusively attracted to men actually have a sexual fetish for viewing themselves as female. This covers lesbian, bisexual, and pansexual trans women. So my answer is no, I have not heard about it but fail to see the relevance to Lucy and our situation. This seems like a completely unproven theory and why does this relate to only to women and not gay or bisexual men too?

Are you seriously prepared to do this to your family and yourself for the sake of a narcissistic fetishist who is having a love affair with himself

Who is a narcissistic fetishist? What makes you believe this? Certainly not Lucy? And SHE doe not have a love affair with herself... far from it actually. Get your pronouns right!

What about your life and your own needs?

My life and my needs are perfectly fine thank you. Should you read my blog in it's entirety then you would know that my life and needs are sorted and not compromised.

What about your own identity and sexuality or that of your children?

My sexual identity is also fine thank you very much and I don't have to explain or justify this to anyone else especially someone this bitter and who I don't know.  I am very comfortable with it. Our children are fine too - thank you for asking.

Do you honestly think this is psychologically harmless to a child of any sex to watch their father being enabled by you to bereave and rob them of a parent figure?

Yes I do actually in the right circumstances and handled in a careful way. We are an extremely close and loving family. Lets face it, kids are very resilient.

Their only choice to go along with the lies and untruths of their own biology and origins?

What on earth is this all about? I presume you are talking about the kids. Their own biology and origins are not affected and don't ever change. When we talk about kids, they range in age from 31 to 14 so many are not children and most are adults.

Are you really going to demand other people suspend their disbelief and cater EVERMORE to this persons demands?

Who is demanding anything? Certainly not Lucy or I. Just because YOUR partner was demanding it doesn't mean that MY Lucy or myself are the same. People are different and have different personalities or hadn't you noticed? Don't get me wrong, we have both met trans people who put their welfare over and above everyone else but not Lucy.... the opposite in fact!

Do you know what the future holds?

No. Do you? Does anyone know what the future holds? It is the future and all to play for and the path can change on the spin of a coin. A ridiculous question as I am not a clairvoyant (even though I played a clairvoyant at the murder mystery dinner party so I can see the misunderstanding.... well actually not as you didn't read any other of my posts so you wouldn't have known!).

How do you imagine he might repay your love and devotion?

Who is this 'he' you speak of? Just because your love and devotion was betrayed it does not mean it is the same for everyone. I don't expect anyone to repay anything.... for me that is not what a relationship is about and this relates to any relationship whether it be my partner, family or friends. My actions are not taken with any ulterior motive. All you need to know is that we are both totally in love and devoted to each other.

How far is Lucy planning to go with this transition? All the way, part of the way?

If you had bothered to read any of my other posts you would know that Lucy is going for full transition with my full support. Not sure what your point is and the relevance?

How does that impact your identity?

It doesn't and why would it?

Are you not afraid Lucy might fully transition and start to prefer other men or worse, lie to you? it happens a lot.

No, this does not worry me. She has never lied to me and was very honest from very early in our relationship. We are open and honest and talk all the time and this is why is works for us. Lies may happen a lot (according to you) however it does not apply to us and I also know of many relationships where there are no lies. Lies can happen whether or not your partner is trans..... it is not exclusive to those relationships.

What care toward you has he shown so far now you have encouraged his transition?

SHE shows me lots of care in many, many ways and we have a very loving relationship. Had you bothered to read any of my other posts you would know this.

Is he happier or has he become more anxious and more difficult? could guilt be playing a part? why is that do you think? 

SHE is much happier, I am much happier and our family unit who live at home are very happy..... where does guilt come to play in this question?

Do you have to walk on eggshells round lucy?

Ha ha no of course not and never have! Why would you think this? Ah yes, you are trying to transfer your negative experience to our relationship. Have you gathered yet that there is no similarity?? (p.s. Lucy is spelt with a capital L).

Do you always have to do what Lucy wants or do you sometimes get it your way too?

Now you are getting to know me a little better what do you think? What are you referring to in what context? We are in a relationship and there is give and take on both sides..... that's what a relationship is about!

Could you live like this forever where 'its all about my lucy'?

Don't take the name of my blog literally and fit it to your negativity. It is MY title that I chose for my blog. It is a blog about Lucy's transition and our life together and if you read the posts they are not all about Lucy - there is a lot about me and other things. Our life is not 'all about Lucy'. I could quite and easily have named it 'It's all about Lucy and Avril'. Get real!

You are erased as a human to be perceived as handmaiden to patriarchal, binary notions of gender?

OMG.... what is this all about? I had to laugh when I read this. What on earth are you getting at? I'm no handmaiden to anything however you are a handmaiden to bitterness and anger (and it is time for you to move on with your life as it seems to be eating you away).

Have you not seen the private forums, chats and porn sites? dont they set your alarm bells ringing just a little bit?   

I'm thinking you obviously had a bad time with your partner. There are no alarm bells as there is nothing to worry about. Read previous comments about us being open and honest and talk all the time. There are no hidden secrets.

Was he always a cross dresser?

SHE has never been a CD. She has always been trans.

Was he a GNC child and adult?

No SHE was not GNC ever. She wore her mask well though. The details are none of your business however she has been trans since her earliest memories.

Myself and other 'trans widows' know that this does not come out of the blue. it takes a lot of lies and betrayals, a lot of gaslighting and violation and subtle forms of abuse for a man to get this far with transition while still 'happily' married and with family still in thrall to his narcissistic selfishness.

Hmmm.... again you are transferring YOUR negative experience and it doesn't fit our relationship. Our situation is not 'out of the blue'. I knew about Lucy within a couple of months into our relationship and I am externally grateful. I had the get out clause but wasn't interested in it. There have been no lies, betrayals or anything else you mention in OUR relationship. I have always known unlike yourself. Lucy was selfless and risked everything in telling me so early but it has meant that our whole relationship has been based on truths and not lies and deceit. I find it very sad that you have a labelled yourselves in such a negative way by using the terminology 'trans widow'. I am divorced from my first husband but never considered myself a 'marriage widow'.

I cant help but notice that Lucy came out at the same time a close female family members was going through puberty and adolescence.

What makes you come to this conclusion? Lucy 'came out' to me long before our daughter was conceived and when my oldest daughter was 4, 16 years ago. No other female family members were going through puberty at the time however one of my sons was.... does that count? Her honesty to me was not based on family members as she didn't know them that well at the time. It was based wholly on OUR relationship (and I had been through puberty many, many years before!). She knew our relationship was serious and cared enough to tell me at the risk of losing me.

This is incredibly common among Agp males who misrepresent themselves as heteronormative and repeatedly enter 'beard' marriages due to their internalised homophobia and need to be seen as normal masculine males

Hmmm.... no idea what a 'beard' marriage is so well done google yet again....

Beard is a slang term describing a person who is used, knowingly or unknowingly, as a date, romantic partner (boyfriend or girlfriend), or spouse either to conceal infidelity or to conceal one's sexual orientation. The American slang term originally referred to anyone who acted on behalf of another, in any transaction, to conceal a person's true identity

Well, yet again if you had read my blog there was nothing 'beard' about our relationship or marriage (or even about Lucy as she has never had facial hair)! In fact we got married 9 years after meeting and 9 years after me knowing about Lucy so I am afraid yet again your assumption is very, very wrong. And just for the record, neither Lucy or any of our family are homophobic.

Its not a coincidence that so very many trans fathers come out during a daughters puberty as female puberty is heavily fetishised by such men - go see for yourself its all online if you know what to look for.

Well I am sure by now you realise that this does not apply to Lucy. I also really dislike your use of 'fetish'. You really and truly have no understanding of the make up of a trans person.

Well trans widow Penelope you will see I have taken the time out to reply to your biased comments. Had you bothered to read back on any of the very many posts I have written you would have seen that your assumptions about mine and Lucy's relationship and  our situation is completely different to your experience and I am certainly not the naïve and uninformed person that you believe me to be. It is sad that you are so bitter that you felt the need to comment and make statements based on your own relationship. Surely your internet research would tell you that no two trans relationships are the same and in some cases the differences are subtle and in some the differences are worlds apart. I am a member of plenty of forums and partner support groups and admin on a couple so see things in a very rounded context and am privy to lots of partners experiences and thoughts. I hear about the damage that is done to relationships but also hear of the success stories where couples have come through on the other side, with and without transition; ftm as well as mtf.

I know I am one of the lucky ones where I was told very early on in our relationship and I am eternally grateful to Lucy for this. Possibly if I had found out several years after being together and after having a family by which time everything has been built on lies I may have felt differently. To have the rug pulled out from under your feet and to find out the relationship you had invested in and built upon was based on a pack of lies must have been heart breaking and I get that. I do understand your pain but it is YOUR pain not mine.

I have known for 16 years so you can see this is not a new situation for me. In that time we have continued to be open and honest with each other and share so much. We go out and have fun together and take time for each other. We are closer than ever (which we never thought possible as we were always very close) and talk all the time. Lucy is my soulmate.

Can I advise that next time before you comment take the time to know the person you are commenting on. It is time for you to let go of your past and look forward to the future. The future is not written and anything is possible (see my answer to your question to me about the future). I hope you eventually find the peace you need.

Avril

Should I feel sorry?

When Lucy is full time and the world has been told I often think about what some people will think to themselves. Not about Lucy or the situation but about things they have said in conversations about trans people when either of us have been around. Should I feel sorry for them if some of them recall conversations that have been had with us or we have been party to and then feel awkward? Am I expecting too much and maybe none will recall any of them?

I have a branch of my family who live in Milton Keynes. One of my other cousins made a comment about when they stayed there for a family party a few years ago. They stayed at the Campanile hotel which is opposite Pink Punters. Only this year she made a comment about when they stayed her husband dressed as a woman for breakfast for a laugh. It is not a laugh though is it? It was poking fun at the trans ladies that had stayed in that hotel who were also there eating their breakfast. I wonder if she will remember this conversation with me?

Some 10 years or so ago we went to visit my family in Milton Keynes. My uncle who lives there made a comment about Pink Punters and how the basement of the building was full of sex dungeons. At this time we had been going for nights out in Pinks for a couple of years so knew there was nothing of the sort and just threw each other knowing and amused looks. Funny how people make assumptions about places just because it is alternative.

Some of my Milton Keynes cousins used to go to Pinks after nights out as it stays open late (6am) so is a good place to go when other places have shut. Now they have children they don't go (lucky for us!) but we always used to panic a little bit when we went in the early days when they would have been out and about. When we were in Milton Keynes for my uncles birthday party last September, Lucy as 'he' was keen almost desperate to go to Pinks to continue having a drink and if you remember my post we went with Lucy as 'him' and our older daughter B. We didn't know how far away Pinks was from the party we were at and 'he' had made a quite a deal that he wanted to go there when everyone else was going off home or to their hotels. One of my Milton Keynes cousins was there helping sort out taxis etc. I wonder if he will recall this and it all make sense to him?

At work, all the banter about the lady director who a certain few believe is a 'tranny' (she is not - she is a CIS woman with manly features who dresses quite tartily) and have made some quite derogatory remarks about her. Will they remember these conversations?

Also at work, one of our offices is in Streatham. There is a locally well know trans lady affectionately (hmmm.... not sure this is the right word) known as the 'Streatham tranny'. She dresses quite near to the mark and it is not unheard of for her to be in skimpy underwear or cropped tops and mini skirt on a cold day. There were quite a few strong opinions about her bandied around the office. My manager (who has since left but who also knew about Lucy) wanted to pull a couple of people in and have a word as she thought some of the comments were too near the mark. Her thoughts on this were that although she knows about Lucy, how many other people may have overheard the conversation who may have had a trans person in their life - quite a logical assumption. How many involved will remember the conversations?

One of my sisters best friends husband came out as trans about 20 years ago and had full GRS. Their marriage failed not just because of this however it was a reason. My mum (who worked in the rag trade in London in the 1950/60's and worked with lots of eclectic and wonderful people) used to talk about him/her in quite graphic detail about the surgery and negative comments about the gender change how it had affected my sisters friend with no empathy for the situation.

Another of my sisters has a friend whose son came out as trans fairly recently and is in the process of transitioning. A chat about hormones she was on and the end goal of GRS ensued between us and I had to speak as if I didn't know too much about this type of thing. I wonder if my sister will recall this conversation?

Will Lucy's son remember the Christmas conversation which has stayed in my mind so vividly? If he doesn't no problem, but if he does will he regret some of the things he said or try to remember exactly what he did say from his position of ignorance? (he has not had any contact with anyone trans before, let alone his dad and he is uneducated about this - he is the kind of lad who I feel would do some research when/if he does accept the situation as he does with everything else in his life).

Even the other day there was another throw away comment made about trans people by one of my colleagues. I let it roll off my back and dismissed it as a casual conversation.

Lucy is a football referee and in readiness for living full time she has started refereeing ladies matches in addition to the mens matches she does. As with all football matches tensions get high and women are no exception. Lucy made an unpopular decision with one team member who complained about 'him' being sexist against women. I have to admit that we did have a private laugh about this later however this couldn't have been further off the mark. I wonder if this player will remember her comments when she finds out about Lucy?

These are just a handful of conversations I can recall immediately. Over the years there have been plenty of throw away comments and joked conversations. Maybe I over think things but if I was told big news like this potentially will be I would try to recall if I had said anything in the past which may have related to the situation. Many of the comments are made from ignorance and some very innocently. I wonder who will be feeling sorry........

'M' Day...... telling our 13 year old daughter

Today was 'M' day..... the day we told our 13 year old daughter about Lucy.

We originally picked last Wednesday to be the day as it was the last day of term and would have given her the whole school holidays to come to terms with the information one way or another but we then changed our minds as we thought we would let her have a few days off school without this additional worry. As it was it was a good decision as M's boyfriend split up with her the following day and over the weekend one of our rabbits died.

I had booked this week off work deliberately so I would be around in the day if after being told M had any questions but also to just take her out and spend some quality time with her.

On Sunday in the day Lucy had a bit of a wobble and was getting all upset about telling M and changing her life forever. M also had a totally fantastic school report this year and Lucy was worried that knowing about her may affect her school grades.  She even considered stopping transition as it would affect too many other peoples lives. I have told her many times that this is her time and she has considered everyone else all her life and it is time to consider herself. If she pushed the Lucy part of her away it will only come back and bite her on the bum as this is who she truly should be. Being very honest I also said that I am fed up of living in the twilight world at home and continually having to make sure we are not leaving clues for M to find and that home should be our safe place. Lucy was really worried that M knowing could change their relationship forever...... she thought negatively however I always believed it would be a positive. I also didn't want M to find out about Lucy in a few years time and feel guilty for indirectly stopping Lucy transitioning. That wouldn't be fair.

Lucy nearly told M last night however our other daughter and her boyfriend were around and the timings just didn't work. We wanted it to be just us when we told her and M to be in the right mood. It was understandably very important to Lucy that M was told under the right circumstances.

So today was the day. M was in a good mood as I was taking her to get another piercing in her ears, older daughter was at work and her boyfriend was in her room. M was sat on the sofa downstairs while I was faffing around tidying up. Lucy came in (as him) and said that she needed to chat with her and to turn the TV off and put her phone down. Lucy explained that she had done nothing wrong, that there was nothing wrong with either of us health wise and that we were not splitting up and were madly in love with each other. You could see the look of confusion on M's face.

Nervously Lucy explained that the issue was that she was transgendered. M laughed and thought Lucy was joking. Lucy explained how she had felt all her life and that our nights and weekends away were when we were going out us, A and Lucy. She spoke of the friends we have made and told of the places we had been to especially Sparkle and Pink Punters. M asked to see pictures and Lucy showed her loads of us out and about and also a couple of the older pics from years ago so M knew this was something I had known about and was fine with for a very long time. She loved the pictures and kept saying 'wow', smiling and commented on what fantastic legs Lucy had. This made us both smile.

I did offer her the opportunity to chat to a 15 year old girl whose father had fully transitioned MtF however she said she was fine and didn't feel the need to speak to anyone. This offer will still be there at any time should she change her mind. Lucy also said that there are some videos etc on the internet about the operation and other things should she want to see them. We were carefull not to overload her with too much information.

Lucy was getting emotional and kept saying she was sorry and M gave her a hug and said that she had nothing to feel sorry for. She said that she wanted to be involved in the journey from now on. We explained that we had to pick the right time to tell her and told her of the people that did know however we also needed her to keep this a secret until we had told other family members which will not be until early next year. M made the point very clear that she was very good at keeping secrets. We mentioned her brothers (Lucys sons) and she did make a comment about the older one (who we think may not take this well). M has volunteered to be there when Lucy tells him. How thoughtful of her. She also believes that my other sons will probably deal with this ok. It also transpired that all the things I though M would have noticed that in fact she had noticed but thought nothing of. So much so that she has decided she need to be more aware of things in life in general as when we told her all the signs she was amazed that she had taken no notice. 

M was totally fantastic. What a girl! It turns out she has another Facebook account alias that she has but doesn't really use  This is great as she can use this profile to connect with our trans profiles and have access to our friends and pictures. 

Lucy told her that she was lesbian and has been wearing a lesbian thumb ring for nearly a year without M noticing. When she was shown M was amazed especially when I said that her dad changing from 'him' to Lucy didn't bother me as I was so in love with the person inside the outside didn't matter but also that I consider myself to be bisexual too so the outside really doesn't matter. M loved this and you could see she really connected with us. 

We told her that she could ask any questions she liked but she really didn't have any however she really wanted to see the makeup and stuff Lucy had to we took her to our bedroom where she could see everything and pointed out all the clues. She really laughed and wondered how on earth she had missed it all! She also said that she would love to help Lucy do her make up and was in awe of all the clothes and shoes Lucy had. 

She has said that she wants to properly meet Lucy all dressed up and also wants to come out with us to any events she can. It is such a shame we didn't stick to the original time line of last Wednesday to tell her as this weekend just gone was Brighton Trans Pride which is only a 40 minute drive from home so we could have popped down there with her however we are already planning on going and staying in a hotel the 3 of us next year. She is also very keen to meet some of our trans community friends which is great. She has been so positive it has blown us both away. In my heart I knew she would be fine however her attitude surpassed anything I could have hoped for and I am just so incredibly proud.

We have told her that Lucy will always be her dad but what she chooses to call Lucy is up to her. M made it clear that in her eyes nothing has changed and did have a little laugh about she will have a mum and a mum. In time I am sure she will find her own words she wants to use. I did explain that until Lucy is full time she may find it difficult like I do to use the right words and pronouns at the right time. She asked the time lines we were planning and we told her about the GP, gender GP and hormones etc and that currently Lucy is not planning on going full time until after M's exams in June next year as we want her to go through these with no peer pressure due to Lucy. 

We took her out and she had the extra piercings in her ears she wanted and she was happily chatting away. One of her best friends at school is a transgendered boy and although she knows she has to wait she cannot wait until she can tell him about Lucy as she thinks it will connect them even more than they are. Lucy has said that she will organise a girlie night in so M can properly meet Lucy and also that she will take her out to MAC to get coloured matched too.

All in all a very successful day. Understandably Lucy is totally relieved that M took everything so well and has been unbelievably supportive. The atmosphere in our house tonight is in a bit of a high. From this point onwards home now can be Lucy's safe place and no longer does anything need to be hidden and we can involve M so much more.

And tomorrow I'm off with M to Thorpe Park a local theme park for the day so she will have plenty of opportunity to chat with me if she wishes. Very good times :)

Facebook partner support group and partner issues

As I mentioned a while ago I had joined a few partner support groups. I am not keen on those that are the Yahoo email type thing based however I did find one 'hidden' Facebook group which has actually been great.

This group is for 'accepting' partners of transgendered people however the level of acceptance between the members does vary quite considerably from those who are just about accepting and struggling with it all, to those that embrace everything in full. There are also members who really are firm supporters of non binary partners which is something to be honest I struggle to understand. These tend to be outspoken members so I generally avoid any potential dodgy conversations with these people as many of their comments I do not identify with. I feel sorry for some of the other partners as they are having enough of a problem struggling with the concept of their partner being transgendered without the added complication of binary and non binary conversations/observations being thrown into the mix.

In general it is a really supportive and informative group with some very interesting topics of conversation and many very relevant to me. All posts get quite a few responses even if it is just people giving moral support as well as first hand experiences. Actually one person made a comment the other day which really struck a chord with me; "I mean, I'm OK with it but I miss that bloke like crazy". Ha, yes I really get that but I'm not sure that I ever really knew 'that bloke'! 

Sometimes reading the challenges that some of them are going through gives me a little wobble in my world. Lucy will know when this is happening but she does not know why I am like this (she will do now). Usually I seek reassurance from her that she isn't going to leave me and inevitably she always asks me if I am mad as she thinks if anyone is going to leave it will be me..... but of course I'm not going anywhere!

This week alone two partners of different transgendered people (one MTF and the other FTM) have posted within days of each other on the same group about their partners pushing them away, their partners being told by other people in the trans community to ditch their spouses, being told that they are hindering the transition and accused of not being as readily accepting as their trans partners expect them to be. In both cases the partners have only recently been told about their spouses 'transness' and although trying to be supportive they are struggling to make sense of the situation they have found themselves in. Neither consider themselves gay/bi but are now in relationships with someone who considers themselves the same sex as they are and are trying to 'burst out' and come out to one and all without really considering the struggle their spouses are going through. It is only in the past few months that these partners have known anything at all about their partners struggles with being transgendered and it has been a shock for them and I totally understand how they feel. In this Facebook group there are some staunch lesbians whose partners are FTM who are trying to get their heads round being considered now to be in a heterosexual relationship. Some of these women have had real struggles in the past standing up to lesbian prejudice and are very uncomfortable with being viewed as heterosexual. By the same token some who were in heterosexual relationships struggle being outwardly considered to be gay when they really feel they are not. One partner has come up with the term 'heteroflexible' which means that if while you are together and one of you transitions and because that person is so special to you, you make an exception just for that one very special person. A perfect word to describe the situation many people find themselves in.

I know that I am only hearing one side of the story however these partners are really trying their best when their whole world has been completely thrown upside down and into turmoil and a common theme I see in quite a few of the posts, both in this Facebook group but also in some of the Yahoo groups, is how selfish the partners think their trans spouses are. Much of this is perpetuated by the fact that they have hidden or denied their transness from their partners who now think that their whole life together has been a lie. I have to admit that reading about their behaviours I am drawn the same conclusion but do not identify with what they are saying as for me and Lucy, this is not how it is.

I am eternally grateful that she told me very early in our relationship so I had a get out clause if I wanted it. Actually by the time she told me I was totally in love with her anyway and nothing was ever going to change that! I have had so much longer than many partners to assimilate the information and have thought hard and fast about whether or not I can do this. Every time the answer is yes.

Lucy if anything has been very selfless with being transgendered. She has always considered everyone else first which is why only now at 45 years old she is in the process of transitioning. Several times she has tried to convince herself she can push aside and ignore these feelings inside her even when I have told her it was not possible and she threw everything (well nearly) away a couple of times. I kept telling her couldn't deny her true self and that 'it' would come back and bite her on the bum! We have a constant open line of communication between us and have no secrets and we share all our worries, concerns and excitement too. Lucy has been and will always be my best friend and soulmate.

Even now I know she still has her wobbly days where she worries about the impact on the children and my family. As I have said before I'm sure most of the children will be fine as they are older and I'm still sure M our 13 year old daughter will be fine when we tell her. Actually one of the partners in the Facebook group has a 14 year old daughter in the same position who would be happy to chat should M need it. As for my family.... who knows.... and actually I don't really care. It will be great if they are all accepting which I suspect the majority may be but there are a couple I think won't be however they are people whose opinions mean nothing to me anyway. In any case we will never know how people will be until the time comes.

I think what I am saying overall is that it can be be so difficult being the partner of someone who is trans. I have read so many bitter posts and heard stories from those that have split up in the worst way possible, those that have parted but remained on good terms and those that have stayed together (some only just and others very happily). The key to me seems to keep the lines of communication open, honesty and listening to each other. Both sides can be guilty of not doing this. It doesn't mean the relationship 'as is' can stay the same or even be saved but being open and honest with each other can only help in such a life changing situation for everyone.  

Sometimes....

Sometimes I think I just forget about the enormity of the situation we are in.  I look at people going about their every day business and wonder what secrets lie beyond the facade that we see. I find myself trying to spot people while I'm commuting in London and wonder what secrets they are all hiding. The men with the well maintained eyebrows, manicured finger nails, the ladies that look slightly more butch.... I love to people watch especially when I am on an escalator going up watching the people passing going down the other way and wondering about their lives. I have always been a people watcher and love just observing them go about their everyday business. 

Every now and then I think it all hits me and I think to myself 'bloody hell'. I never envisaged this as my life when I was growing up or even as I got older.

I think sometimes because I am so accepting it also makes people who know about the situation forget about what a huge thing this is. When I met the man, I thought I was getting into a male/female relationship.  Very quickly I fell in love with this person, so much so that I was prepared to do whatever it took to be with him. Soon after it turned out that 'he' was actually a 'she'. Sometimes I wonder how my friends would have coped with it all. I'm not sure that many could have or would have.

Like the friend who comes to Pink Punters with us. She will only come on a 'trans' night as she enjoys being with the all the different people that are there but despite being slightly flirtatious she does not want a relationship with anyone trans. She has no interest on coming with us on on a normal night which to me makes me feel like she is not coming out to spend time with us. She does not understand why we want to be there on a non trans night but for Lucy this is when we are in a more 'normal' (whatever that may be) environment rather than surrounded by predominately trans people. I truly believe she does not grasp the situation we are in. She is the one that thought just because I hadn't talked about Lucy for a while that it had been a 'phase' and it had all gone away despite previously explaining in great depth about Lucy being born in the wrong body etc. I had a conversation with her the other night and pointed out this is not a life style 'choice', this is how it needs to be and will affect us for the rest of our lives. I really don't think she gets it. Lucy and I will be the 'unusual' couple and everyone will think they know a bit about us and our life and will make all sorts of assumptions. You know what? Actually I don't care. Together we can do anything.

So many people have secrets in their lives..... some being mild to some downright outrageous. I don't think that anyone really shows the real them to the world. Purely by chance we discovered 2 secrets of friends of ours and they have no idea we know. One chap is looking for gay relationships and the other funnily enough is searching for a trans woman to have a relationship with. These are secrets that we stumbled upon by accident and they will never know we know. How many other friends of ours have secret lives they are hiding away?

Every day when I see Lucy I see that 'he' is disappearing before my eyes. How does no one else notice this? Probably because they are too busy living their own lives or wrapped in their own little bubbles. We are in our bubble which will be burst when we tell people the truth. It is hard to second guess how some of our friends will be and whether or not they will remain our friends. I'm sure some will stay our friends even if they don't really understand the situation. 

I look at our wedding pictures and feel sad that I am saying goodbye to the man I married. I knew long before we got married that transitioning would be the end game. As much as I feel sad, I am also very excited for Lucy. Each small step is a step towards her living the life she should have been born into.

My husband will be my wife...... bloody hell..... now that's a big thing!