Monday, 25 July 2016

'M' Day...... telling our 13 year old daughter

Today was 'M' day..... the day we told our 13 year old daughter about Lucy.

We originally picked last Wednesday to be the day as it was the last day of term and would have given her the whole school holidays to come to terms with the information one way or another but we then changed our minds as we thought we would let her have a few days off school without this additional worry. As it was it was a good decision as M's boyfriend split up with her the following day and over the weekend one of our rabbits died.

I had booked this week off work deliberately so I would be around in the day if after being told M had any questions but also to just take her out and spend some quality time with her.

On Sunday in the day Lucy had a bit of a wobble and was getting all upset about telling M and changing her life forever. M also had a totally fantastic school report this year and Lucy was worried that knowing about her may affect her school grades.  She even considered stopping transition as it would affect too many other peoples lives. I have told her many times that this is her time and she has considered everyone else all her life and it is time to consider herself. If she pushed the Lucy part of her away it will only come back and bite her on the bum as this is who she truly should be. Being very honest I also said that I am fed up of living in the twilight world at home and continually having to make sure we are not leaving clues for M to find and that home should be our safe place. Lucy was really worried that M knowing could change their relationship forever...... she thought negatively however I always believed it would be a positive. I also didn't want M to find out about Lucy in a few years time and feel guilty for indirectly stopping Lucy transitioning. That wouldn't be fair.

Lucy nearly told M last night however our other daughter and her boyfriend were around and the timings just didn't work. We wanted it to be just us when we told her and M to be in the right mood. It was understandably very important to Lucy that M was told under the right circumstances.

So today was the day. M was in a good mood as I was taking her to get another piercing in her ears, older daughter was at work and her boyfriend was in her room. M was sat on the sofa downstairs while I was faffing around tidying up. Lucy came in (as him) and said that she needed to chat with her and to turn the TV off and put her phone down. Lucy explained that she had done nothing wrong, that there was nothing wrong with either of us health wise and that we were not splitting up and were madly in love with each other. You could see the look of confusion on M's face.

Nervously Lucy explained that the issue was that she was transgendered. M laughed and thought Lucy was joking. Lucy explained how she had felt all her life and that our nights and weekends away were when we were going out us, A and Lucy. She spoke of the friends we have made and told of the places we had been to especially Sparkle and Pink Punters. M asked to see pictures and Lucy showed her loads of us out and about and also a couple of the older pics from years ago so M knew this was something I had known about and was fine with for a very long time. She loved the pictures and kept saying 'wow', smiling and commented on what fantastic legs Lucy had. This made us both smile.

I did offer her the opportunity to chat to a 15 year old girl whose father had fully transitioned MtF however she said she was fine and didn't feel the need to speak to anyone. This offer will still be there at any time should she change her mind. Lucy also said that there are some videos etc on the internet about the operation and other things should she want to see them. We were carefull not to overload her with too much information.

Lucy was getting emotional and kept saying she was sorry and M gave her a hug and said that she had nothing to feel sorry for. She said that she wanted to be involved in the journey from now on. We explained that we had to pick the right time to tell her and told her of the people that did know however we also needed her to keep this a secret until we had told other family members which will not be until early next year. M made the point very clear that she was very good at keeping secrets. We mentioned her brothers (Lucys sons) and she did make a comment about the older one (who we think may not take this well). M has volunteered to be there when Lucy tells him. How thoughtful of her. She also believes that my other sons will probably deal with this ok. It also transpired that all the things I though M would have noticed that in fact she had noticed but thought nothing of. So much so that she has decided she need to be more aware of things in life in general as when we told her all the signs she was amazed that she had taken no notice. 

M was totally fantastic. What a girl! It turns out she has another Facebook account alias that she has but doesn't really use  This is great as she can use this profile to connect with our trans profiles and have access to our friends and pictures. 

Lucy told her that she was lesbian and has been wearing a lesbian thumb ring for nearly a year without M noticing. When she was shown M was amazed especially when I said that her dad changing from 'him' to Lucy didn't bother me as I was so in love with the person inside the outside didn't matter but also that I consider myself to be bisexual too so the outside really doesn't matter. M loved this and you could see she really connected with us. 

We told her that she could ask any questions she liked but she really didn't have any however she really wanted to see the makeup and stuff Lucy had to we took her to our bedroom where she could see everything and pointed out all the clues. She really laughed and wondered how on earth she had missed it all! She also said that she would love to help Lucy do her make up and was in awe of all the clothes and shoes Lucy had. 

She has said that she wants to properly meet Lucy all dressed up and also wants to come out with us to any events she can. It is such a shame we didn't stick to the original time line of last Wednesday to tell her as this weekend just gone was Brighton Trans Pride which is only a 40 minute drive from home so we could have popped down there with her however we are already planning on going and staying in a hotel the 3 of us next year. She is also very keen to meet some of our trans community friends which is great. She has been so positive it has blown us both away. In my heart I knew she would be fine however her attitude surpassed anything I could have hoped for and I am just so incredibly proud.

We have told her that Lucy will always be her dad but what she chooses to call Lucy is up to her. M made it clear that in her eyes nothing has changed and did have a little laugh about she will have a mum and a mum. In time I am sure she will find her own words she wants to use. I did explain that until Lucy is full time she may find it difficult like I do to use the right words and pronouns at the right time. She asked the time lines we were planning and we told her about the GP, gender GP and hormones etc and that currently Lucy is not planning on going full time until after M's exams in June next year as we want her to go through these with no peer pressure due to Lucy. 

We took her out and she had the extra piercings in her ears she wanted and she was happily chatting away. One of her best friends at school is a transgendered boy and although she knows she has to wait she cannot wait until she can tell him about Lucy as she thinks it will connect them even more than they are. Lucy has said that she will organise a girlie night in so M can properly meet Lucy and also that she will take her out to MAC to get coloured matched too.

All in all a very successful day. Understandably Lucy is totally relieved that M took everything so well and has been unbelievably supportive. The atmosphere in our house tonight is in a bit of a high. From this point onwards home now can be Lucy's safe place and no longer does anything need to be hidden and we can involve M so much more.

And tomorrow I'm off with M to Thorpe Park a local theme park for the day so she will have plenty of opportunity to chat with me if she wishes. Very good times :)


  1. That is so wonderful! I'm glad that Lucy's fears were unfounded, which gives me hope about my own daughter. I actually was planning on telling her this weekend, but she is spending the weekend at a friends. A small reprieve from my nerves, but this means I'm telling her next weekend instead.

    1. I'm pretty sure your daughter will be ok. My 20 year old daughter was fine when she found out and is still supportive nearly a year later. There is always an excuse no to tell but you need to find the time. It may not be as bad as you think. Wishing you lots of good luck x

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