Tuesday, 29 March 2016

Happy Easter

Happy Easter everyone! I know not everyone celebrates but it has been nice having the extended time off work to spend with Lucy and our youngest daughter. I've said before that Lucy works nights and I work days and the overlap time isn't usually very much. So even though Lucy was still working nights we did have some more time together which is always great!

So what has been happening.....?
Well I knew this would happen after the other week at Pink Punters and Lucy having a grope of another girls boobs. She is now considering self medicating. I don't blame her to be honest as the first proper GIC appointment is many months away (we don't even have a date yet) and to be honest I think she has been very patient so far and am surprised she didn't come to this conclusion a long while ago as so many other girls seem to do it. It seemed she was in the minority by not self medicating.

In fact, I broached the subject a couple of weeks ago with Lucy and I got a non committal response however a few days ago she broached the subject with me by sending me a WhatApp message saying that she was thinking of self medicating later in the year. My response was short and sweet 'I thought you might' and then I was berated for giving a short sharp response and no nice emojis. I told her that was exactly why I had mentioned it the other time to her and was no shock. She wanted my approval before investigating further. It was lovely she was considering me but at the end of the day I know she is going to transition anyway so does it make any difference when she starts the hormones? And of course she has my approval as long as we have all the facts before.... and she gives up smoking!

I have told her to make sure she does her research and speaks to other girls which I know she will do anyway. I know she has done quite a bit of research already and was saying something about not making the standard mistake of going for a too high dosage to start with which then can affect the size your boobs would grow. It needs to be a graduated increasing dose from a low dosage first and a lots of patience.

Obviously if she does self medicate later in the year we will have to tell our 13 year old daughter sooner than Lucy was planning. She has been trying to delay it for as long as possible as she wanted our daughter to get through her own hormonal bit of life without this extra worry. Our daughter will be hormonal for years and I have never seen the point in waiting. All the stories that I have read from other wives/trans about telling their children, it seems better to tell them sooner rather than later. It also seems that the kids are more accepting than the adult children. And once she is told then we have the opportunity to tell more of our friends and family. Anyway, this will be another bridge or 2 for us to cross. 

My friend who came out with us last time to Pink Punters still really does not understand the situation and it does wind me up. Lucy likes her to be involved with stuff as it is nice for her to be socialising with another cis female other than me that she has known for a long time however I get so frustrated that this friend doesn't really understand. For example, Lucy has 2 phones. One for 'him' and one for Lucy. Lucy changed her phone number (when she got a nice new Samsung 7) and sent a WhatsApp to this friend from the new number. When she eventually realised she had the message (she is not very good with techie stuff) she went to save it as 'him'. I said that it was Lucy's number not his and she shrugged her shoulders and laughed saying it was the same thing...... well to me and to Lucy it isn't and the response or messages are different depending if you are messaging him or Lucy. Then we had a chat about Pink Punters and she was saying how much she enjoyed the trans nights, how much fun they were and  that she didn't understand why we also like to go on other non trans nights. I asked her what she enjoyed so much about the trans nights and the answer was.... the trans....... Well then! She enjoys it because it is not the 'norm'. Despite me saying that is not what would be deemed as being a 'normal' night out clubbing (normal clubbing anywhere else would not be a club packed full of predominately trans people) she didn't understand why we would like to go when there are only a handful of trans and the rest just normal clubbing people..... she doesn't understand that Lucy was wants to be part of the 'normal' world not one where she only associates with trans people. This friends attitude just frustrates me. I know it cannot be easy for her but I do need her to be a bit more considerate of Lucy.

On the upside, I do know she is very envious at the complete and utter love we have for each other and always has been. Many times she has passed comment when Lucy and I have been having a laugh together that what we have is true love. Of course it is!! Nothing truer!

Sunday, 20 March 2016

Weekly round up

So far no major dramas this week.... not that I was expecting any but you just never know.

The weird looking director at work (you remember the one from previous posts I hope) is still causing quite a bit of banter. Now I have no problem with this banter as over the years there has been plenty going on in various forms but I never let any of it get to me as the people making the comments can only use the stereotype image and behaviours and to the best of my knowledge none of them have first hand experience. Anyway since telling my boss about Lucy, she gets very uncomfortable when the banter starts. I have told her repeatedly that it is not an issue for me but I do feel she feels awkward on my behalf. We were in a managers meeting the other day and the banter about this unliked director started again, from the style of her hair, inappropriate office clothes she wears, what you may see if you looked under the table to the gait she has when she walks in her incredibly high heels. Admittedly she does not walk very well in these shoes and does walk quite wide-legged..... but obviously the perception is that she is a tranny and walks like a man would in high heels especially if they had something between their legs! I just smile and leave them to it however in this meeting my boss had her head down and wouldn't look at me. She collared me after and said she had to keep her head down to avoid looking at me in the eye...... I told her it was no problem and in any case, none of the trans girls I know walk in this way and for the record they all 'tuck' so there would be nothing to get in the way of them walking properly! Well she just burst into laughter, pulled a funny face and said that was too much information. I just shrugged my shoulders, smiled and said it was fact!

Big news this week is that Lucy outed herself to one of her customers. Lucy is a black taxi driver, works in male mode and picks up a variety of people. One evening this week she picked up a lady late at night who told Lucy she was on the way home from a charity evening. As is usual Lucy asked her what charity it was for. It turns out it was a charity called Stonewall. When Lucy asked what this charity stood for she could see the woman hestitate and look a bit uncomfortable however she did go on to tell her that they are there to let all lesbian, gay, bi and trans people in the UK and abroad know that they are not alone and are renouned for their campaigning and lobbying. At this point Lucy gave a little laugh and the woman asked her why she was laughing........ well blow me down Lucy went on to tell her all about herself and us and showed pictures of us out and about last week as well as other pictures. This stranger is only the 3rd person that Lucy has come out to (only me and my eldest daughter and son before this). I was amazed as she is usually so uncomfortable about doing this. The woman was fantastic and I know that Lucy felt great that she had taken this step. I am so proud of my Lucy!  

Lucy also belongs to some trans specific Facebook groups. On one of these it transpired that a girl was in a hospital local to us for the 'big op'. The girl is not local and is 2.5 hours drive away from her home. Lucy privately messaged her to see if she needed anything brought up to the hospital which she could have dropped at reception for her and she was grateful of the offer but said she was ok. However she said that she wouldn't mind a visit. Lucy had been chatting with her before and then after the op and was planning on popping up to the hospital this evening (in male mode) however today the girl has had some complications and is not feeling up for a visit. No doubt she will be there a bit longer so maybe Lucy can pop up to the hospital when she is feeling better. This is another first for Lucy.

There were some comments on the Sparkle unofficial Facebook page this week. I have to be so careful when posting on Facebook or liking comments or pictures as these obviously appear in my newsfeed for all my Facebook friends to see (which I don't want). I have to take care that I don't accidently out Lucy before she is ready. She is ok as she has Facebook and Twitter profiles as her as well as 'him'. This Sparkle group was a closed group which should mean only those in the group can see comments and posts but I am totally paranoid. As it was I did make a comment, not the one I wanted, but a very innocuous one. I think I may have to create a different profile on Facebook/Twitter so I can properly comment on things and then I will have no worry about accidently letting anything slip as I think it will be a while before Lucy is fully out. 

Lucy knows that I am part of a few of these 'partner' forums and we were chatting about it yesterday. I don't think she understands the feeling of wanting to know what other partners of trans people are going through or feeling. I don't feel at the moment I need support from anyone else and to be honest when they talk about their experiences none are on the same page as me and some are sadly so bitter about it all. I generally just read what they are writing and very rarely converse with anyone. I have mentioned before that usually Lucy does not gravitate towards other trans girls however I do. I enjoy the community feeling especially when we are out but also love being out in a non trans environment just me and Lucy. Lucy put her arms round me and said that in her life she has all the community she needs, me and her....... 

Wednesday, 16 March 2016

Pink Punters 11 March 2016

As usual we had a totally fantastic time…….

This time we went with a friend of mine who had not been on a trans night for many years although she did come out with us to PP in December on a non trans night. The journey was a bit of a mare and took 3 hours instead of the usual 2 however sitting in traffic enabled me to paint Lucy’s nails for her. We did the usual drive through McDonalds to pick up some dinner but Lucy made me get in the driver’s side as she didn’t want the cashier seeing her painted nails. I told her they wouldn’t care but she was having none of it! I got the meals which we ate and then went off to the Campanile, the hotel dead opposite Pink Punters. When it came to checking in Lucy was adamant that I had booked it and I was sure she had (we take turns) and then we had a bit of a panic thinking neither of us had done it however when I got to reception it turns out it was Lucy. We were also able to pick up some of the bits we managed to leave behind last time.

We had one of the back rooms on the 2nd floor. I think over the years we have pretty much stayed in most of their rooms. Fairly small but enough room for us and all our stuff if we keep it relatively tidy. Lucy had brought an array of outfits and shoes. The only thing she brought one of was her perfume! As usual she tried on multiple outfits before she settled on the one…. the batgirl dress that she loves! Although she has worn it before it does look great on her and she loves wearing it. Once the outfit was decided, muggins had to do her make up for her. She still has not practiced at all since last time which she really does need to start doing. As mentioned before I am not over keen on doing someone else’s make up and she needs to practice for when she is full-time. I know it is difficult with Lucy working nights and our 13 year old daughter not knowing so time is limited to when Lucy gets up to when our daughter gets home from school.

Anyhow 2 bottles of Prosecco later we were all dressed and glammed up and we tottered off over to PP. Being a trans night it was busy full of girls, some of whom we have seen before and many we had not. We settled in on a spot on the 1st floor which is generally where we stand and keep our drinks. I do love a boogie and was dancing from the off and soon we all were. 

As always we end up chatting and dancing with lots of other people. We both like meeting new and old friends as we are both very sociable and this night was no exception. Lucy ended up chatting to a girl who had been on hormones for a while and had a lovely pair of boobs and even was able to have a cheeky feel. She was surprised how big they were and is in total awe…….. and is now more impatient waiting for the anticipated hormones! I got chatting to several girls, one in particular Ellie was great fun and I enjoyed her company. Turns out she is a PP regular and has the same sort of affection for the place as we do. She is also booked to go to Sparkle in July so there will be someone else there we know. There was also a cis-girl there that we had met the previous month when she was on a first date with a chap and it looked like they had got on really well. Turns out he was not so nice and she was there again on another first date. Well I think this new chap eventually left her to it as she was spending so much time dancing and socialising with us and not with him…. poor chap….. she was rather worse for wear though which probably didn’t help.

Good news! This time we not only have all the pictures from the evening but also took loads!!! Lucy managed to get a picture with her favourite bouncer and we both took selfies with Martin the toilet attendant and by the end of the evening Lucy even ended up laying on the pool table! What a girl! Turns out she also had her picture taken a couple of times by the official photographer. 

We thought the whole evening had gone without a hitch or any drama…. or so we thought! It transpired the next day that Lucy had either dropped her phone in the sink or down the toilet as it was soaking wet and not working properly. Luckily for her as of today it does seemed to have dried out and is working fine after a few days of it not charging.

As we always say, once a month going out and having fun just isn’t enough. We are constricted by the cost of the hotel stay and the petrol but will see if we can get back sooner or maybe do a double nighter. Luckily we are already booked for April which gives us both something to look forward too. Maybe we will do a double nighter in May. We will see. I really love being out with Lucy when she is fully dressed as Lucy. She is so much fun to be with and I think we bring out the fun side of each other. When we come home although Lucy is there she is not fully my Lucy and not the person she should be which makes me so very sad. The sooner she can get on the hormones the sooner she will have to come out to everyone and the sooner she can spend more as time as the person she truly is.

Thursday, 10 March 2016

Thursday thoughts

Well what a funny old week it has been so far.

Major drama!! Lucy decided that it was time she filed her own finger nails. Unbeknown to me however she picked the coarsest nail file we have and filed her lovely long nails to shreds. She was totally gutted and felt that this should have been something she should have learned when she was 12 years old and not at 44. I don't think she realised what all the different type of nail files do and that there is more than one choice. Luckily the next day I was able to salvage her nails which are now nicely filed however quite short which she is upset about as we are going out on Friday. She has now been educated on the different type of nail files and I have bought her some finer files for next time. Nonetheless at the end of the day she will learn these things as she goes and learn by her mistakes as we all do.

Luckily this week I was unexpectedly able to work from home one afternoon which turned out to be good news for Lucy. In between working I was able to clip and file her toenails and polish them with no danger of being discovered by our younger daughter. This is always an issue especially as she needs to allow time for the varnish to dry before putting something on her feet to hide them. Now she has lovely toe nails however as always, small drama, when she slid her feet into her flipflops caught her big toe on one foot and smudged all my hard work. Then we had the panic of redoing the nail in time before our daughter arrived home from school. Lucy had to hide in our bedroom for a little while until the varnish had hardened enough on this last toe. 

A small side note is a big up to Barry M and their new Sunset varnish daylight curing range. An alternative to salon gel nails that needs no basecoat and bonds to the nail like gel in the daylight. A totally fabulous range which I love and are hard wearing and dry quickly. Would highly recommend them but the only downside is that the colour range is quite limited which hopefully they will expand. They have a really lovely bright pink which we both love.

Friday night we are off out again to Pink Punters. This week has been one big count down until we go and full of excitement and Lucy has still not decided what to wear. No doubt she will turn up with an array of choices to be made last minute. Also this time my friend is coming with us. She is the same friend who came in December for our first big night out and this will be her first time in recent years at a proper trans night so will get to meet some of the new friends we have made. Don’t think she has the same excitement that we do. 

Getting out once a month just isn’t enough for Lucy and I however that is the way it has to be for now. Before we know it she will be transitioning properly and be dressed every day although we will still be going to PP. I have my new dress to wear this time and got a new 'hold it all in' body suit this week where I can wear my own bra and after a quick try on this solution does not flatten my boobs at all so I am very pleased. Lucy commented on how great I looked when I tried it all on which made me very happy. She also made me laugh as she always moans that I don’t keep my heels on all night (neither does she except I’m clever enough to take a small pair of dolly shoes in my bag whereas she ends up with bare feet) and asked me what shoes would I be wearing to walk over to PP! Ha ha…. my shoes do stay on longer than 5 minutes. 

She has also nagged me not to travel in my blue skinny jeans and black Chelsea boots as she wants to wear the same thing and does not want us dressing the same. Bloody cheek! She only has the black Chelsea boots because she bought herself a pair when she should have been buying me a pair for Christmas! I have to travel straight from work and like to wear something comfortable but respectable. Will have to have a think……. 

And then some exciting news….. when we last went to PP in February we took lots of pictures on our camera which disappeared and we could not find them and presumed them lost. Well a couple of days ago Lucy plugged the camera into her laptop and lo and behold the pictures were there! We are both fairly techy people so I am confused why we would not find them the first time round however we were both chuffed that we now have them. There was a fab pic of me which is now my profile picture on Facebook and has well over a 100 likes <insert picture of big smiley face>. 

Watch out for my next update on our Pink Punters night out.

Wednesday, 2 March 2016

Judgements and gender presumptions

It is quite a weird place to be in when you feel like you are in the 'in between' zone where you are not transitioning as yet (due to the long wait for GIC appointments and don't want to self medicate), where not everyone has yet been told, living a secret life however much of the secret life overspills into the real world. Especially when it comes to down to the 'name'. Just proves how judgemental people are when it comes to a name. If everyone had unisex names then automatic presumptions about your gender would be irrelevant and unimportant. Unfortunately in general life this is not the case and certainly for Lucy this last week has been full of judgemental people jumping to the wrong conclusion.

Last week her car broke down. Granted she was not dressed en femme however she gets free AA cover as part of her bank account. She duly rang the specified number and once the bank account details and name had been confirmed, it was obvious from the operators voice that she thought Lucy was using someone elses details to get the AA cover and her tone was very unsympathetic to Lucy's plight after this. However when the AA man turned up he did not make any comments at all.

This week Lucy went to Boots (she spends a fortune in there on the Wilkinson Sword Intuition blades) and paid using her own card and Boots points card. The cashier called after her as she went to leave to give her a voucher to keep in her wallet. This made Lucy smile.... wallet? What is that! I haven't yet explained that it seems these days that many girls don't use the word purse and use wallet instead. I'm old school so for me it will always be a purse. 

And then she had a very unfortunate experience in Lloyds Bank. Usually she uses the paying in machines to pay money into her account but on this occasion she deposited it over the counter. To do this you have to present your debit card and input your pin number. The Teller then proceeded to lecture Lucy on how she must not use someone elses debit card and certainly should not know their pin number! How presumptious and rude! Of course Lucy knows the pin number as it is HER card! Unfortunately Lucy was too self conscious to make any comments back to this rude chap. She could easily have defended herself as she carries a copy of the change of name deed poll document with her at all times and could have shoved it under his nose. Indeed if I had been there I would have made sure that it was the Teller that was feeling self conscious and awkward and not Lucy. I know they have to be wary of identity fraud however if he had asked a few simple questions the situation would have become apparent. If the Teller had asked for any proof of ID Lucy could have quietly produced the deed poll. Seems Lloyds Bank need to do some more specific training regarding this sort of situation. As it was Lucy ended up tweeting about it to Lloyds and they responded very quickly, gave a very apologetic response and wanted her to Direct Message them with more details. Still does not excuse the situation.

This week we also got the Electoral Roll form through and we needed to change the entry that already existed from 'his' to Lucy's name (one of the areas that we had forgotten to change and I'm sure in time others will become apparent). I rang through to the local council helpline and had a very friendly and helpful lady on the phone. I did not give too much detail other than that one of the people listed had changed their name by deed poll. She went away and came back with a Q & A she had been provided with and told me where to go and what to enter on the government website. That is all changed now and Lucy got the confirmation email. If only everything was that simple.

We also had a family dinner at the weekend with all our children and their partners. Lucy's eldest son again made a detrimental comment about Caitlyn Jenner which Lucy heard but I didn't. Even if I had, after the Christmas debacle I would have refrained from making a comment anyway. In time he will be educated when he is told about Lucy and has to face the issue in his direct family. Hopefully his comments and opinions will change but if not, at least he will have first hand knowledge when making comments and will not be based on an uneducated/uninformed opinion.

I think all this has unsettled Lucy a bit this week. Yesterday she wished that she could fast forward her life like the film 'Click' with Adam Sadler and fast forward to a time in the future where everyone has been told, where she has transitioned fully and is properly living her life with the right body as she should have been all her life. It is thoughts and comments like this that make me so desperately sad for her. This is such a long road that we are on.

My boss who I told about Lucy has been quite amusing. She has been good at not giving anything away when there is the unevitable bit of office banter. We have a new director who is not very popular (she is making us all redundant but that is another story!) however everyone thinks she looks like a man, 'tranny'. She isn't, however it is the tight and inapproprate clothes and super high heels that she wears along with her hair which makes her fit a bit of a sterotype especially as she cannot really walk in her shoes and walks how all the people at work would expect a man in heels to walk like..... yes a man in heels would do the swagger, wide legged walk as she does however none of my lovely trans friends walk like this.... because they are women. So as you can imagine there is lots of banter about this lady......

My boss also updates me privately about sort of related stories in her life. It is funny that now she tells me these things. Turns out the husbands of two friends of hers are 'tranny' and dress in womens clothes for sexual thrill and go to swingers clubs. They don't want to be women but just enjoy the fun of dressing up. When she was telling me I did reminder her gently that I had already explained that the spectrum of trans was huge and nothing could be pigeon-holed and that Lucy and I did not identify with these people (just in case she though we went swinging!). She said that she was aware of this but I did feel that I needed to clarify.

As you have probably gathered we have a habit of identifying with music and certain tunes to parts of our lives or how we feel at certain times. A song came on the radio a few weeks ago and I turned to Lucy and said that this song reminds me of us.... she gave me the big smile that she does and said that she was just about to say the same thing. This is just what we feel as we stand united together.... always.... Standing with an Army