Monday, 5 December 2016

Should I feel sorry?

When Lucy is full time and the world has been told I often think about what some people will think to themselves. Not about Lucy or the situation but about things they have said in conversations about trans people when either of us have been around. Should I feel sorry for them if some of them recall conversations that have been had with us or we have been party to and then feel awkward? Am I expecting too much and maybe none will recall any of them?

I have a branch of my family who live in Milton Keynes. One of my other cousins made a comment about when they stayed there for a family party a few years ago. They stayed at the Campanile hotel which is opposite Pink Punters. Only this year she made a comment about when they stayed her husband dressed as a woman for breakfast for a laugh. It is not a laugh though is it? It was poking fun at the trans ladies that had stayed in that hotel who were also there eating their breakfast. I wonder if she will remember this conversation with me?

Some 10 years or so ago we went to visit my family in Milton Keynes. My uncle who lives there made a comment about Pink Punters and how the basement of the building was full of sex dungeons. At this time we had been going for nights out in Pinks for a couple of years so knew there was nothing of the sort and just threw each other knowing and amused looks. Funny how people make assumptions about places just because it is alternative.

Some of my Milton Keynes cousins used to go to Pinks after nights out as it stays open late (6am) so is a good place to go when other places have shut. Now they have children they don't go (lucky for us!) but we always used to panic a little bit when we went in the early days when they would have been out and about. When we were in Milton Keynes for my uncles birthday party last September, Lucy as 'he' was keen almost desperate to go to Pinks to continue having a drink and if you remember my post we went with Lucy as 'him' and our older daughter B. We didn't know how far away Pinks was from the party we were at and 'he' had made a quite a deal that he wanted to go there when everyone else was going off home or to their hotels. One of my Milton Keynes cousins was there helping sort out taxis etc. I wonder if he will recall this and it all make sense to him?

At work, all the banter about the lady director who a certain few believe is a 'tranny' (she is not - she is a CIS woman with manly features who dresses quite tartily) and have made some quite derogatory remarks about her. Will they remember these conversations?

Also at work, one of our offices is in Streatham. There is a locally well know trans lady affectionately (hmmm.... not sure this is the right word) known as the 'Streatham tranny'. She dresses quite near to the mark and it is not unheard of for her to be in skimpy underwear or cropped tops and mini skirt on a cold day. There were quite a few strong opinions about her bandied around the office. My manager (who has since left but who also knew about Lucy) wanted to pull a couple of people in and have a word as she thought some of the comments were too near the mark. Her thoughts on this were that although she knows about Lucy, how many other people may have overheard the conversation who may have had a trans person in their life - quite a logical assumption. How many involved will remember the conversations?

One of my sisters best friends husband came out as trans about 20 years ago and had full GRS. Their marriage failed not just because of this however it was a reason. My mum (who worked in the rag trade in London in the 1950/60's and worked with lots of eclectic and wonderful people) used to talk about him/her in quite graphic detail about the surgery and negative comments about the gender change how it had affected my sisters friend with no empathy for the situation.

Another of my sisters has a friend whose son came out as trans fairly recently and is in the process of transitioning. A chat about hormones she was on and the end goal of GRS ensued between us and I had to speak as if I didn't know too much about this type of thing. I wonder if my sister will recall this conversation?

Will Lucy's son remember the Christmas conversation which has stayed in my mind so vividly? If he doesn't no problem, but if he does will he regret some of the things he said or try to remember exactly what he did say from his position of ignorance? (he has not had any contact with anyone trans before, let alone his dad and he is uneducated about this - he is the kind of lad who I feel would do some research when/if he does accept the situation as he does with everything else in his life).

Even the other day there was another throw away comment made about trans people by one of my colleagues. I let it roll off my back and dismissed it as a casual conversation.

Lucy is a football referee and in readiness for living full time she has started refereeing ladies matches in addition to the mens matches she does. As with all football matches tensions get high and women are no exception. Lucy made an unpopular decision with one team member who complained about 'him' being sexist against women. I have to admit that we did have a private laugh about this later however this couldn't have been further off the mark. I wonder if this player will remember her comments when she finds out about Lucy?

These are just a handful of conversations I can recall immediately. Over the years there have been plenty of throw away comments and joked conversations. Maybe I over think things but if I was told big news like this potentially will be I would try to recall if I had said anything in the past which may have related to the situation. Many of the comments are made from ignorance and some very innocently. I wonder who will be feeling sorry........

1 comment:

  1. Before, I never gave it thought, I was in hiding not even thinking of being me. To think about it, that was a quick way into depression or worse to believe that there was no way out and that I would do something foolish, something you can't take back once done. So now that I am slowly coming out, bit by bit, the thought crosses my mind daily. What will _____ think of what I am, when they find out?
    I look back on my own life, cringing at my treatment of others, trans or even just effeminate, calling transgender people "it". The worst people, the worst of those that treat people this way are those of us who are in denial about who we are. I was one of the worst offenders against transgendered people. I worry about what others will say, because I have said so much worse about trans, about me. Self-hating because I didn't see a way out of my mask. Now, the question is always on my mind, what will they think when they find out? Which is infinitely better than, what would they think if they ever found out? I find that I can bear the first question, I could not bear the latter in hiding.