Friday, 6 May 2016


Sometimes I think I just forget about the enormity of the situation we are in.  I look at people going about their every day business and wonder what secrets lie beyond the facade that we see. I find myself trying to spot people while I'm commuting in London and wonder what secrets they are all hiding. The men with the well maintained eyebrows, manicured finger nails, the ladies that look slightly more butch.... I love to people watch especially when I am on an escalator going up watching the people passing going down the other way and wondering about their lives. I have always been a people watcher and love just observing them go about their everyday business. 

Every now and then I think it all hits me and I think to myself 'bloody hell'. I never envisaged this as my life when I was growing up or even as I got older.
I think sometimes because I am so accepting it also makes people who know about the situation forget about what a huge thing this is. When I met the man, I thought I was getting into a male/female relationship.  Very quickly I fell in love with this person, so much so that I was prepared to do whatever it took to be with him. Soon after it turned out that 'he' was actually a 'she'. Sometimes I wonder how my friends would have coped with it all. I'm not sure that many could have or would have.

Like the friend who comes to Pink Punters with us. She will only come on a 'trans' night as she enjoys being with the all the different people that are there but despite being slightly flirtatious she does not want a relationship with anyone trans. She has no interest on coming with us on on a normal night which to me makes me feel like she is not coming out to spend time with us. She does not understand why we want to be there on a non trans night but for Lucy this is when we are in a more 'normal' (whatever that may be) environment rather than surrounded by predominately trans people. I truly believe she does not grasp the situation we are in. She is the one that thought just because I hadn't talked about Lucy for a while that it had been a 'phase' and it had all gone away despite previously explaining in great depth about Lucy being born in the wrong body etc. I had a conversation with her the other night and pointed out this is not a life style 'choice', this is how it needs to be and will affect us for the rest of our lives. I really don't think she gets it. Lucy and I will be the 'unusual' couple and everyone will think they know a bit about us and our life and will make all sorts of assumptions. You know what? Actually I don't care. Together we can do anything.

So many people have secrets in their lives..... some being mild to some downright outrageous. I don't think that anyone really shows the real them to the world. Purely by chance we discovered 2 secrets of friends of ours and they have no idea we know. One chap is looking for gay relationships and the other funnily enough is searching for a trans woman to have a relationship with. These are secrets that we stumbled upon by accident and they will never know we know. How many other friends of ours have secret lives they are hiding away?

Every day when I see Lucy I see that 'he' is disappearing before my eyes. How does no one else notice this? Probably because they are too busy living their own lives or wrapped in their own little bubbles. We are in our bubble which will be burst when we tell people the truth. It is hard to second guess how some of our friends will be and whether or not they will remain our friends. I'm sure some will stay our friends even if they don't really understand the situation. 

I look at our wedding pictures and feel sad that I am saying goodbye to the man I married. I knew long before we got married that transitioning would be the end game. As much as I feel sad, I am also very excited for Lucy. Each small step is a step towards her living the life she should have been born into.

My husband will be my wife...... bloody hell..... now that's a big thing!


  1. You sadness is valid and it's heart-wrenching to hear the other side of the equation. Also, the sadness goes both ways. I feel sad about not just being who I am or who I should be. I could have just been a regular man and not caused this problem for the people I love. Then there is the why aren't I just a normal girl scenario. Sadness isn't a bad thing, mourning a loss is cathartic. It's just never fun.

    1. I know Lucy feels the same sadness as you. It just can't be helped. Sometimes I think we are just so busy getting on with life as it is now and planning for the future that we just forget what a big deal this all is.