Sunday, 19 March 2017

Wobble and more!!

This week Lucy had another wobble and had doubts if she is doing the right thing. These seem to come in cycles. This was caused by a post-op friend of ours saying how difficult and lonely life was for her. This started Lucy off.... The world these days is far more accepting than it used to be and together we can face anything. We have already faced so much and come through the other side stronger. Lots of people who post about unhappiness generally seem to be those without partners or family supporting them and yes, it must be bloody hard. I keep reminding Lucy that I am here for her, FOREVER. We also have friends already that are accepting as well as a whole load of really good community friends. This is our journey and not just hers. We can't go back now as I really believe it would kill both of us and I hate living in this twilight world full of secrets and not being able be truly be who we both are. The road ahead will be full of uncertainty and no doubt will be difficult at times but we are a team and will get through this together. Luckily due to the partner groups I am on I hear lots of stories about couples who have come out the other side and are still happy and not just the negative stories. We will be one of those happy couples and I am 100% certain she is doing the right thing. Why should she live the rest of her life as a complete compromise? She could have almost as many years as she has already lived living in the right body and living the right life. F**k everyone else!

Last week we had Pandora gate..... Lucy had wanted a Pandora bracelet for some time and every time she mentioned it I told her to wait until her birthday in September as I wanted to buy it. Recently my daughter got one for her 21st and one of my sons girlfriends got one for her 30th. Lucy is very impatient and just went out and bought one.... not just the bracelet but safety chain and some charms. She was so pleased with herself and I was so peed off. She thought I would be happy buying charms for the bracelet but I'm not. I wanted to buy her the bracelet itself. It was the only thing I knew she really wanted that I could have given that would have been a 'keeper' present that anyone could add charms to. Generally if she wants something she will buy it. She bought different 'wedding' and 'engagement' rings for when we go out. Although they were cheap, they are genuine jewellery and not costume jewellery. I had no input and she just came back with them hence the importance to me of the Pandora bracelet. We ended up having a massive row about it however she does now appreciate the significance. She said I could pay her for the bracelet but I didn't want to as that is not me going and choosing and buying it for her. She then volunteered to take it back but there was no point. It was already bought. I did say in anger that I would never buy any charms for her but no doubt I will. It still won't have the same significance to me as I won't be adding to something I chose and bought..... Now I have no idea of any sort of present to buy her!

This week I also lost the diamond out of my wedding/engagement ring. It was 2 rings that slotted together however I had them welded together as they kept twiddling round. As you can imagine I am gutted however I would be more gutted if I had lost the ring. We searched everywhere but couldn't find the diamond. Luckily it is insured, we have to pay a £100 excess, so it is now in the jewellers waiting for a quote along with a copy of the valuation which gives exact detail of the diamond.

While I was in the jewellery shop I spoke to them about 'his' wedding ring as that was also on the same valuation sheet. As you may recall, we are planning on getting 'married' again once all the surgery is done and want 'his' ring made into 2 separate rings, one for Lucy and one for me. If we take the same ring and just cut it in half (it is a big ring) then it was be approx. £200 per ring and if we have it melted down and 2 completely new rings then will be a bit more. At least we now have a rough idea of the cost.

In the middle of Pandora gate (which happened on a day we were planning on going to Pinks) Lucy got a call from the GIC cancelling her 2nd appointment in September. They didn't say why but she had to ring back. As you can imagine we were gutted however they offered her a replacement appointment in November or July. Well she jumped at the July appointment so it turns out to be beneficial as it is now sooner. We have booked a hotel nearby but not the same one as last time.

Last Friday we went to Pinks. It was a BNO however there were not as many as the regulars there as usual however we did get to see one girl we hadn't seen for ages (in fact we were talking about her in the car on the drive there and about how long it had been since we last saw her) and a lovely friend who we have not seen for at least 6 months since she had her op. As usual we ended up making some new friends too. When we posted some of the pics on Facebook (as usual) one of our friends commented on how Lucy's face was changing due to the hormones. We hadn't noticed, but this was someone who hasn't seen her or any pics for a while so it was reassuring that there are other changes other than the obvious ones. Her hair is also getting longer but still at the annoying in between stage. Quite a few people are commenting on it now and apart from a drunken neighbour who just wouldn't stop going on about it and how 'he' should cut it, the general consensus is that it makes 'him' look younger. 

Today Lucy ran the Hampton Court Palace half marathon. It was an early start for a Sunday and she had been out in the taxi last night so only had a few hours sleep. She hadn't trained and was relying on the football refereeing she does. Cardio was not an issue but she really felt it in her legs. I was able to get to a couple of points along the route to cheer her along and she finished in less than 3 hours. The medal is lovely and I'm am so proud of her. She is running the Brighton marathon in 3 weeks time but she will have to do some more training for that! I will be there supporting her all the way.


  1. I am sure you and Lucy know this already, but it bears repeating, we ALL go through the wobbles. Fighting your mask is very hard, it is easy to slip back into it. I also contemplate from time to time if this is the right thing, if I can do this. It's so tiring. Avril, you are brilliant, so wonderful and true. Lucy wouldn't be happy going backwards and you are very right to point that out!
    I can't comment on PandoraGate. I buy jewelry for myself and dresses and shoes, etc. My wife doesn't buy these things for me. For birthdays and holidays she buys me geeky things like Firefly or buffy posters, or winona (pulse pistol on Farscape). I have told her over and over that while I love geeky things, I don't mind getting a pretty dress or top, or even scented lotion. It never happens, but perhaps eventually. I do see your frustration however, it happens with my wife occasionally. I will plan to buy her something for a holiday and she will purchase it just a few days before, very annoying. :)

  2. Thanks Beth. I know the wobbles are common especially when life has been so different however it could also be so different in the future. It doesn't frighten me and I am prepared to support Lucy through this all. We are a strong couple and this will never change.
    Pandoragate was a nightmare and I'm a little sad I don't have anything special to buy Lucy. I do buy the smellies (she loves Lush as you know) and I have bought clothes but I don't think I get it right as she either files them away for another time or after a period of time puts them out for charity. I did buy her a name necklace (actually I bought 3 as the first 2 were lost or broken) and the last one I bought is still going strong and she wears it all the time. Lucy is the sort of person if she wants it she buys it which makes it very difficult for me, mask or not!

  3. .. hasn't anyone told you about autogynephilia? are you seriously prepared to do this to your family and yourself for the sake of a narcissistic fetishist who is having a love affair with himself? what about your life and your own needs? what about your own identity and sexuality or that of your children? do you honestly think this is psychologically harmless to a child of any sex to watch their father being enabled by you to bereave and rob them of a parent figure? their only choice to go along with the lies and untruths of their own biology and origins? are you really going to demand other people suspend their disbelief and cater EVERMORE to this persons demands? do you know what the future holds? How do you imagine he might repay your love and devotion?
    how far is Lucy planning to go with this transition? all the way, part of the way? and how does that impact your identity? are you not afraid Lucy might fully transition and start to prefer other men or worse, lie to you? it happens a lot.
    what care toward you has he shown so far now you have encouraged his transition? is he happier or has he become more anxious and more difficult? could guilt be playing a part? why is that do you think?
    Do you have to walk on eggshells round lucy? do you always have to do what Lucy wants or do you sometimes get it your way too? Could you live like this forever where 'its all about my lucy'? and you are erased as a human to be perceived as handmaiden to patriarchal, binary notions of gender?
    have you not seen the private forums, chats and porn sites? dont they set your alarm bells ringing just a little bit?
    was he always a cross dresser? was he a GNC child and adult? myself and other'trans widows'know that this does not come out of the blue. it takes a lot of lies and betrayals, a lot of gaslighting and violation and subtle forms of abuse for a man to get this far with transition while still 'happily' married and with family still in thrall to his narcissistic selfishness.
    I cant help but notice that Lucy came out at the same time a close female family members was going through puberty and adolescence. this is incredibly common among Agp males who misrepresent themselves as heteronormative and repeatedly enter 'beard' marriages due to their internalised homophobia and need to be seen as normal masculine males ... its not a coincidence that so very many trans fathers come out during a daughters puberty as female puberty is heavily fetishised by such men - go see for yourself its all online if you know what to look for.

    1. Thank you for your uneducated comments Penelope. It is obvious from your comments that you have not bothered to read the rest of my blog where all your questions would have been answered and I'm not rising to your bitter bait.

    2. Thank you for your uneducated comments Penelope. It is obvious from your comments that you have not bothered to read the rest of my blog where all your questions would have been answered and I'm not rising to your bitter bait.


    1. I have no interest in reading your widow blog as it is not relevant to me. There have never been any secrets and lies in our relationship and your experience is not the same as mine. Lucy was around before our daughter was born and I have known from the moment we met. No eggshells in our relationship!

  5. Oh dear Penelope you are bitter and twisted...nothing like a women scorned eh....
    Read the whole blog before you make your comments and assumptions.
    Some very big words in your post....doesnt make you look big or clever #justsaying :)
    And please get your pronouns correct theres a good girl.