Groups and Organisations

There are a few groups and organisations that support the people who are transgendered. Some of these are support groups and some of these are forums or dating/friendship sites. Some started as Yahoo groups, some of which have moved to proper websites nowadays and some actually started on a website which have been improved a lot over the years. The 2 main ones for us in those early days were Roses Forum and The Angels. It was good to see the support and advice that was being offered and it was being in touch with these sites that probably helped Lucy make her first steps out of our home into the real world all those years ago. Certainly it was down to events that were arranged by The Angels that introduced us to our beloved Pink Punters.

Back in the early days (15+ years ago) there was really not much for partners at all. You would get the occasional partner who may comment on some of the forums but they were specifically for the transgendered partner. Being the sort of person that I am, I enjoyed being on these forums and seeing what all the issues good and bad that were being discussed. I got to know a few partners on The Angels site who had been there longer than me and muted the idea of a separate (but connected) private forum for partners where they could discuss issues privately and away from the main TG forums. A few people thought this was a good idea and the moderators set up a separate Yahoo group which was for partners only. This was great as many of us could go on there and discuss issues which were specific to being a partner of someone who is transgendered. There were many confidential issues discussed and a problem shared is certainly a problem halved. Through this particular forum I did make some lasting friendships even though our circumstances were not exactly the same it was nice to be in touch with new people who had an understanding of how I might be feeling but also people I could empathise with.

The Angels grew so much it eventually moved away from Yahoo and onto a proper website with better forum capabilities. When doing this they also moved the partner forum into a chat room of its own which although is accessed through the main forums can only be accessed by partners and not open to the TG partners.

These days there are more organisations online that are supportive to the TG community and all the variations this brings (gender non-conforming, non-binary, non-gender etc) and then there are the dating/friendship sites that have grown too. Seems there is quite a big community for dating and it does not matter where you are on the transition route, if at all.

The issue for me now though is that some of the people in the partners forums I know personally and have met quite a few times. Sometimes you do not want to discuss issues or how you are feeling with people who know you and your family. One of the reasons I enjoy writing this blog is that it just gives me the opportunity to express how I am feeling and to be read hopefully by people who are not judging me. One of the partners from the old days is in occasional contact with me but I know she does not understand the whole transitioning thing and said that if it was her she couldn’t stay with her husband (these days her husband doesn’t dress at all but still visits forums and occasionally goes to events but in male mode).

To be fair it is not that I necessarily need anyone to confide in (I have Lucy and she is my best friend and soulmate) but I do like to understand the challenges other people are facing and how they are handling the situation as you never know, it may relate to us one day. These days The Angels partners forum is very much quieter than it used to be and it seems that not many people want to post anything or maybe they feel that there is not enough activity in the forum so don’t post as they think they won’t get a response. However the other day I did notice a post from someone late last year mentioning another organisation which is specifically for partners of TG so I thought I would have a look and see what it is all about.

I was quite disappointed to see that although they have a website, everything for communicating with each other is done through a Yahoo group and it seems that just to even join is like getting into Fort Knox! I’m pretty sure that this alone would put off quite a few people. Their main forums are for non-TG only (they use the word transsexual which is not the right word as your gender has nothing to do with your sexuality) and it was the use of this word alone that made me feel uneasy. They have Family (only for family and friends of TG but not partners) and a MTF-Partners and FTM-Partners ‘list’ (partners of TG only) and then they do have a Community list which is open to TG. According to the information supplied there are 163 partners on the MTF-Partners list. The website clearly stated that it was UK based and would only take requests from UK.

So….. to join you click on the website link which routes you back to Yahoo groups where you have to send a request to join. The request to join asks that you give a reason in 200 characters why you want to join the group. No problem except it turns out 200 characters is hardly anything at all and to be honest what other details could they possibly need other than the fact I am the wife of a TG husband?? Anyway filled in as much as 200 characters would allow and sent the request.

A day later I received a generic and impersonal email (addressed Dear Applicant) which asked 3 questions, my reason for joining the group, whether I am UK based and to read the rules and code of conduct and agree to be bound by them. To be honest the whole tone of the email I found slightly offensive. I cannot put my finger on it but that was how it made me feel. Probably the footer of the email didn’t help that if I did not reply within 7 days my application would be denied. Why should I have to give more justification to join a group who at this stage I have no idea if they will be of any benefit or use to me? Why SHOULD I have to justify who I am and what my situation is and why else would I want to join this sort of group? At this point I nearly backed off again completely. I have enough going on in my life with Lucy and everything else and really didn’t want to be forced into giving more detail out to people I don’t know. I typed a bit of a curt response stating that I had already told them I am the partner of a TG husband so was not sure what else they needed to know. Added a few details about how long I had known etc but at this point was not just feeling any love or friendship from this group. Two days later I received several emails stating I had been subscribed, how to use the forum advice and a welcome email, again all generic and another email asking why I wanted to join…… really!!????  I fired off another curt response as by this time I was really not impressed with any of this process. They responded a day later saying that it was an error. Did not fill me with confidence. All this just to join a chat forum.......

Eventually I was able to view the group in Yahoo. It is a typical old fashioned Yahoo group and the threads are difficult to follow as they show like an email inbox and the messages are email trails. It seems a little more active than The Angels. It is such a shame that it is in this format as a couple of the topics do seem interesting and relevant. I think I will need to sit on the sidelines and watch the topics for a while before posting the introduction they expect me to do. Watch this space!

 

Found another relevant group on Yahoo so will have a nosey around that one too. Just sent a request and got a much friendlier generic response. This does make me feel more positive about this group.

2nd GP appointment

So….. Lucy had her medical at the GP yesterday. If you remember Charing Cross GIC sent a form to the GP to be competed and returned to them which included the bloods she had done earlier on in the week. The GP had passed the form to Lucy with sections marked for her to complete however it seemed many of the sections he had marked were for the GP to complete himself and not Lucy. She filled in everything that seemed to be directed at her personally and left the rest blank. Presuming as the GIC requested the blood tests that she won’t have to have them for her first appointment now.

Lucy seemed pretty calm about the appointment but my stomach was churning with excitement and nervousness for her. I’m sure she didn’t understand how I was feeling.

Anyway, in this particular GP surgery the doctors usually come into the waiting room and call out your name. Bearing in mind the GP knows Lucy but has also seen ‘him’ for many years, he was very diplomatic in how he called for Lucy and didn’t call her by her name as she was dressed pretty androgynously and not en femme. He spotted her and just signalled for her to come.

He did the usual weight and height things and filled in most of the form. He didn’t mention anything about the blood results so we are presuming that this means that it is all good news. There was one section on the form for detailing the justification for referring Lucy to the GIC and he asked Lucy to fill it in. Not sure that this was the right thing to do but obviously she had no problem in completing this and probably could have written loads.

So that was it. Short and sweet. The GP now has to return the form to the GIC and we play the waiting game to hear from them for her first appointment. Another excruciating long wait but another small step along the way.

Just need Lucy to give up smoking now. She gave it up before 6 years ago however put on a lot of weight which she has now lost. She has been smoking again now for the past couple of years and I know she is probably wary of giving up and possible weight gain however according to the GIC information “Smokers are advised to stop altogether.  This is because the risk of dangerous blood clots (embolism) with both oestrogens and androgens is raised to unacceptable levels in those who smoke.  Additionally, surgical outcome is better in non-smokers”. So Lucy if you are reading this (and I know you will be at some point!!), now’s the time!! JJJJJJ

Pinterest and more

I did use Pinterest before but in a casual way and only for the usual boring stuff like garden design, meal ideas etc. In truth though it is quite a natty little tool for keepings lots of web page links in one easily identifiable place and as you have pictures too it is easy to navigate.

Lucy has started using it more recently for makeup tips, clothes and links to transgendered relevant stuff. So I have now created a new profile on there and am using it to save stuff that is relevant to our transgendered life. As well as searching for pins in the app itself, I’m still learning all the things I can discover outside of Pinterest and ‘pin’ to my boards. My Pinterest I'm getting there slowly but surely.

It is quite amazing how many other people have pinned links to very interesting articles, blogs and web pages and it has opened a whole new information pool for me and better in many ways than bookmarking a webpage. I do like reading articles and blogs about other wives/partners in the same position as me although in many instances they don’t seem to have the same relationship as I do with Lucy or see things from a different viewpoint to how I see things. I think that I have been very lucky that Lucy confided in me very early in our relationship so I did not have the shock of living with a ‘man’ for many years only to find out he had been keeping a huge secret from me and behaving differently behind my back. I am very grateful that I have nearly always known about Lucy. However it is always good to understand about the challenges that other people are facing.

Of course too I like to read the transgendered persons story and see if there are any parallels to Lucy or if there is anything we need to take on board. This also helps me understand more how I can support her in this long journey she is taking but also how she can support me too. There will be huge changes to our lives yet to come and many challenges along the way which we will fight together as one. To be fair, Lucy is way ahead of me on this one and anything I usually mention she has read or thought about ages ago.

One of the pins that Lucy had found which was about body shape which gave us a bit of a giggle. Apparently Lucy is a ‘strawberry’ shape….. I didn’t bother doing the test and told her that if she was strawberry I must be an orange!! Ha ha!

Some of the makeup pins have been very interesting too. Being cis-female I have been doing makeup from as long as I can remember however my own mother did not have much choice of makeup, usually blue eye shadow, mascara and bright red lipstick (which I used to really love the smell of) and whenever I did my own makeup she never said it looked nice and no matter how old I was she would tell me I looked like a clown. Very good for confidence - not!

Length of years doing makeup does not necessarily mean that I am any good. When I was a teenager there was a thing you could subscribe to and every week you would get sent some facts sheets to put into a folder along with 2 or more bits of makeup for you to try whatever it was for that week. This was great and over months it built into an A5 size folder encyclopaedia. Over the years I have seen many different trends in makeup as well and there is always something new to learn. As previously mentioned on other posts our older daughter has studied makeup at college and is excellent and Lucy and I have both learnt makeup tips from her but there is so much more out there. This is where Pinterest and You Tube are very good. You Tube for the action demonstrations and Pinterest for charts about colours and design.

I have always wanted to wear fake eyelashes and have tried them on and off over the years with little success and usually ended up with the eyelash stuck half way on my eyelid… not a good look I can tell you!! If you don’t get it right it also messes up all your makeup too as you have to apply them last after everything else is done including mascara. Last year with some perseverance I at long last seem to have got the knack. If I am going anywhere special or am out partying with Lucy then I always wear them (annoyingly she has naturally gorgeous long eyelashes that only need a bit of mascara to show them off!). I still have the occasional panic if they don’t look like they are sticking in the right place. The first time I wore them I could feel them and see black feathery bits over my eyes which was really annoying. Once I get them on these days I forget I’m even wearing them. I am also amazed that no matter how tired or inebriated (ha ha) I am when I go to bed I still manage to take them off. There is such a huge choice and it looks like a total minefield but when you find a style you like it is best to stick with them but also remember that usually they will need to be cut down so they fit your eye lid size and shape. The most popular ones are sold in multi packs which is more economical even though they can be reused several times before being discarded. For me I prefer the type that thicken and slightly lengthen my lash rather than the outrageous.

 

Thursday musings 14th Jan 2016

Sometimes being the partner of someone who is transgendered makes you feel like you are in some sort of bubble and I think about it a lot. These early transition days can be quite hard especially if there are people close to you that are not aware of the situation. At home it is our youngest daughter who is 13 that does not know. To me Lucy is Lucy no matter how she is dressed and it is hard to pick the right pronoun at the right time. Lucy always raises an eyebrow when I get it wrong but a lot of the time I’m swapping between them depending who is in earshot. She also hates her male birth name being used at all now so as I cannot openly call her Lucy at home I generally call her ‘babe’ but there are times when this does not feel appropriate and I feel I should be using her name. For years we had affectionate banter around me calling her my husband however now that is not appropriate either. At this point in time she is not really my husband any more but neither is she my wife. She is my ‘person’ but that that doesn’t sound right either. And then when you are out or surrounded by people outside the home who also are not aware of the situation then I do refer to Lucy as her male birth name and refer to her as being my husband which does not feel right either. All just is so confusing as I’m continually swapping between him and her. I really cannot wait for the time when everyone knows about Lucy and there is no reason for whispered conversations, knowing looks between us and no more worrying about secrets being discovered.

Yesterday Lucy went to the GP surgery for a blood test which was requested by the GIC. She went on her own for this appointment and was starving as it was a fasting blood test so no eating for 14 hours. The nurse did not have any notes as to what the blood test was for so Lucy hot footed back to the car to get the form the GP had passed to her. From this they were able to work out what bloods were needed and arranged for the results to be sent back to the GP rather than the GIC. Lucy has a medical booked with the GP next week and all the results should be back by then. Lucy said that the nurse was very good, did not show any surprised expressions or anything and also wished her good luck. Let’s hope that all professionals we meet in future are like this. This blood test is one more step taking her closer to full transition. Little steps one at a time…….

We do seem to be so much closer than ever which seems impossible as we were always so very close. I sometimes feel overwhelmed with how much I love this person and do think about her all the time. She works nights and I work days so any time together is always precious. We have always been very affectionate with each other and love grabbing a kiss and cuddle when just doing everyday things. Think we had spent so much time being knackered or being scared to waking the other person up that the bedtime cuddles didn’t happen so much and as we are generally not around at the same time in the evening there was very little cuddling on the sofa watching TV. These days we don’t care and have so many more cuddles and I love nothing more than snuggling up with Lucy or holding her in my arms. I tell her many, many times every day how much I love and miss her…. So many times that I worry that she will get bored with it but she assures me she never will.

Think at the moment we are still on a high from Friday night at Pink Punters and both of us cannot wait to go back in February. It truly was such a great and fun night out. After my comment about couples dressing the same we had a little laugh as we didn't realise until we had got to the hotel that we were wearing very similar clothes.... blue skinny jeans and Chelsea boots..... not intentional at all but mildly amusing. Being with Lucy has not changed my dress style however being with her and going to non judgemental clubs etc enable me to be more confident wearing more sexy type of clothes and not made to feel I am mutton dressed as lamb.

Pink Punters 8th Jan 2016

Well what a totally amazing night this ended up being. Probably one of the best nights we have had out together and full funny incidents.

The 8th Jan was one of Pink Punters Big Night Out events in conjunction with tv Chix (www.tvchix.com). This means that it is primarily a night where lots of trans get together and are in the majority instead of being in the minority compared to other club nights.

As usual we went to the Campanile hotel opposite PP. As it was just the 2 of us, which to be honest I really love, we could get ready in our own time and also spend some time being together being us with no kids around. Lucy can be slow in getting ready too so we had no time limit and not rushing to meet anyone at a specific time. I know Lucy loves having other people go with us however I just love it when it is the 2 of us.

This time as our older daughter was not with us and as Lucy has been very lax in learning how to apply her own makeup, it fell on my shoulders to be the makeup artist for the evening. After getting ready myself, wearing my lovely new playsuit and new sandals (see previous post) I started on Lucy's makeup. I also had a new bag that was not too big but big enough to let me put in some glittery dolly shoes to wear when my feet start to ache later in the evening which they always do. Lucy was not impressed!

When we used to go out years ago it was me that did her makeup for her, the only difference now is that she has a far better box of tricks than she ever had before and a far better range of makeup than me. I still felt a bit under pressure as obviously I have not been professionally trained like our daughter. Despite this both Lucy and I thought I had done a good job. I had also washed her hair for her since the last time we had been out so it was smelling nice and it is mad as it is only when she puts the hair on that my Lucy truly appears in front of me as she should be.

Lucy had a choice of 2 dresses to wear, one a favourite of hers, a Superdry dress and the other the newly bought Batman dress (she also now has matching batman bra and knickers!). She opted for the Superdry dress and knee high pointed black boots. I think we both looked fab even if I say so myself.

After tottering over the road to PP and trying to avoid the muddy grass verge we found that there was no queue at all to get in. Overall there were less people there on this evening however it is probably due to the fact that people are still skint after Christmas. No need for queue jumping this time. We went straight into the usual dance floor. There were a lot of other girls out for the evening, some together with other girls, some with their partners and wives and some just on their own. One observation I noted was that in quite a few cases the girls were dressing and looking like their wives. In one instance they had almost exactly the same matching colour outfits on. Interesting to note as I think years ago in the early days of going out we too dressed and looked very similar but I think that was because Lucy was still discovering herself and her own style. These days we dress completely differently and don't look alike.

We were dancing from the moment we got in there and drinking too. When we are out and about in a club atmosphere we do like a drink. Although the place was not packed it was comfortably busy. There were a couple of girls we recognised from the last time and plenty of friendly faces although another observation I made is that trans girls do seem to blank other girls they do not know. They can walk past each other and not even give a hello smile or a small acknowledgement nod or anything which is weird as when I lock eyes with anyone in life I always give a smile or nod or something. One unusual thing on these specific trans nights which you don't get on a usual PP club night is there are a lot of 'admirers' there too which means the girls do get attention from men. I know this is probably very flattering for the girls however as a partner it can be a little uncomfortable. Lucy attracted her fair share of admirers this evening and I generally let her get on with it as she knows the boundaries and I trust her. As it would happen I was getting attention from a couple of lesbians anyway so was dealing with my own avoidance tactics as it was attention I didn't want especially when one was leaning in for a kiss! 

Halfway through the night Lucy decided that she had got a bit hot and sweaty from all the dancing so we nipped back to the hotel (huge advantage with it being just over the road) and she changed into the batman dress. There was no problem getting back into PP and the night continued. By this time I had made some new friends, several trans girls so we spent time dancing and chatting together and Lucy had befriended a group of CIS girls so was off dancing with them. My feet were killing me in the new sandals so I changed into the dolly shoes much to Lucy's disgust..... she can't speak as she kept taking her boots off and dancing barefooted. We did this last time and it took lots of scrubbing to get all the black off our feet so I wasn't going to risk it this time.

The evening passed with no major dramas and Lucy at this point had managed to hold onto to her purse. She had a new bag which was slightly larger and more secure so nothing could drop out. I have no idea how it happened but I ended up with someone's dress! I don't know how I came to have this dress and ended up wearing it over my playsuit for a short while. No one claimed it so I brought it back with me. Turns out it is the right size for Lucy so guess she will end up with it. We had a laugh about it the following morning as she could not believe I had come home with someone's dress.

God knows what time we got to bed but know it was after 6am. At 10 the room phone rang and it was the hotel reception. There we are thinking Lucy has not lost anything all night and it turns out that as we were coming back in she must have dropped her purse when looking for the room key. Apparently some kind person had found it and handed it in to reception. Yet again all the contents were intact and the cash and cards were untouched. How amazing!

All in all it was a fantastic night. We have the Valentines weekend booked for 12/13 February and will be doing 2 nights. Back in the old days this was something we would regularly do easily but hope we can still do it as we both felt tired the next day however we would not have be up and out of the hotel room with little sleep and would not have the long drive back home until the second day. I sure we will be fine :)

Thursday musings

Sometimes you just get swept away with the tide of life living with someone who is transgendered. Things you consider 'normal life' to many other people would be considered completely abnormal. Sometimes you forget the enormity of the situation even though you are fully aware of the implications and every now and then something just brings it all home.

For example, on Saturday I was browsing in New Look at the sale items and found a playsuit I really loved but it was a size too big. I'm not a tiny person and rarely find anything trendy or non baggy that I like. I went home and found my size in stock online. Lucy was doing an online New Look order so told me to send her the link. Of course when I did and she looked at it she loved it too! However by this time it had gone out of stock.  We went back to the local New Look but by now even the larger size had been sold. So Tuesday ended up being a manic day ringing round to try to get this playsuit in my size. As luck would have it a shop near to work had it so I reserved it and hot footed down at lunchtime to get it. Well that was me sorted but not Lucy and she wanted one too but needed it slightly larger (for her shoulders as everywhere else she is annoyingly smaller than me). So after work I went to Oxford Street in London running round the 2 New Look stores there a long way apart. Unfortunately no luck as could only get smaller sizes however I found another beautiful playsuit in black glittery velvet in the right size so bought this instead. It was gorgeous and Lucy was happy. It was really lovely and fitted me too and looked better than I thought. How many wives would frantically search shops of a ladies item for their 'husband'! Also today I popped into Dorothy Perkins at Victoria station and ended up buying myself some rather lovely glittery sandals in the sale..... oh and a similar pair for Lucy too!

For me this week has also been one of those weeks where the enormity of everything comes to the fore. Probably started by the gold necklace (still not sure on this one yet but do desperately want Lucy to get her horrid tattoos covered so she can wear short sleeved things) but also by another trans friend posting an informative article/video on her Facebook wall.

This article was discussing the surgery needed to change the genitalia from male to female and had an instructive and very detailed diagram/cartoon video. I have seen many programmes over the years about surgery, many internet articles and videos but this was very clear and precise. I have to say I cringed as I watched it all, amazing but so intricate and painful for the patient. Lucy came in halfway through and saw my screwed up face and when she saw what I was watching just commented that she had seen it ages ago and thought it was amazing. She was quite casual about it and all I could think about what a huge change this is going to be for her and me.

We have always had and still have a very close and intimate relationship. That side of things is going to change after she has started hormones and will change dramatically after surgery. As much as I am very comfortable with my sexuality I will miss the male appendage. Even though I know Lucy hates it, we do have fun together. I am determined we will still stay just as intimate and loving but in a different way. The last thing on my mind when I first started dating him all those years ago was a lesbian relationship for the rest of my life.

Christmas 2015 and New Year

Well Christmas was good. He came down and had a handful of presents under the tree all which were very ambiguous. I had told all the family that as 'he' likes to lounge in the bath for hours that Lush bath bombs and bath stuff were a good present to buy. Luckily everyone did, so Lucy now has about 25 bath bombs as well as lots of other lovely bath stuff. Our bedroom smells like a Lush shop which is great!

Anyway, after the presents under the tree were done we snuck away upstairs and I was able to give Lucy all her other presents. Clothes, bags, bath bombs etc and she loved them all.

Lucy had also given me many lovely presents, one of which was an envelope containing booking details for another night at the Campanile which means another night at Pink Punters on 8th Jan. Yes!! I was so happy!

Christmas day passed well and we went over to Lucy's oldest sons flat for dinner which was lovely (and also meant that I didn't cook). A nice afternoon and evening and was the first of the children to invite us over for Christmas dinner ever.

The big day for us was boxing day when all our kids and their partners came to us for presents, dinner and games. All was going well until one of the kids mentioned the Kardasians at the dinner table and the conversation inevitably turned to Caitlyn Jenner. It turns out that Lucy's eldest son has very negative point of view about trans, has no understanding or knowledge about transgendered issues and what it means. Quite an exchange of words about Caitlyn and being trans ensued between him, a couple of others and me. I couldn't help but try to counter the conversation and eventually backed off as I was getting too involved and Lucy had left the room as she didn't want to hear all that was being said. I know I should have said nothing, but even before Lucy & Abby I had strong views about trans. When I was 15 one of my guy friends transitioned over several years to a woman. It is obvious that this son is definitely going to have his eyes opened when he eventually is told about Lucy (we will be telling all the kids when the time is right for us.... no more discoveries). Then he will have first hand knowledge and he is intelligent enough that I hope he will understand and be accepting. I was worried that this conversation would make Lucy stall with her transition plans but luckily this has turned out not to be the case. Her son did approach me later in the evening to apologise to me but I explained to him that it is ok to have a difference of opinions and a healthy debate but it doesn't mean either is right with their opinion.

The rest of the evening was brilliant as usual.

The ensuing Christmas celebrations over the next few days were great and nothing notable other than the fact that Lucy was disappointed in not being able to dress as she would do normally and as we were socialising with family was even wearing aftershave! He very rarely ever used any anyway as would rather have been wearing perfume. Lucy wears perfume all the time and has a better collection than me. No surprises there!

'He' is a DJ and on New Years eve was DJing down our local pub as he has done for the past few years. Usually it is not a busy event but this New Years eve it was busy and lively with one engagement announcement and one proposal. Watching him from behind the decks was weird this year. I could see he was there doing all his stuff but to me all I could see was Lucy dressed in baggy males clothes and it just didn't seem right.

At night when Lucy is laying asleep next to me I do like to just lay and look at her. I can see how much she has changed over the last few months and how much happier she is. Her being happy makes me happy.

We heard from the GP Christmas eve as he had received a form back from the GIC which needs to be completed, partially by Lucy and partially by him. Looking at the bits of the form he had marked for Lucy to complete, even though he told us he had referred people to the GIC before, he had marked sections which clearly needed to be completed by him. Lucy has filled in all her relevant bits and now needs to make an appointment to go back and get the rest of the form completed by the GP. Encouraging nonetheless because we know at least the wheels are turning.

Yesterday I got pushed a little off kilter by Lucy. Back in the early days when I only knew him and we had been dating for a few months it was his 30th birthday. I had just got myself a credit card (I had been left with lots of debt by my ex and had worked hard to clear it all so this was a big deal) and the first thing I bought was a gold chain for his birthday. We went up to Hatton Garden and visited several shops before we found the perfect chain. It was not cheap and was the first present I had ever bought him. He wore it all the time and now so does Lucy however now she has the Lucy name chain (the one I bought and nowhere near as expensive as the gold chain) the 2 chains keep getting tangled. She bought an extender for the Lucy chain but it still gets tangled. So.... she casually asks me how I would feel if she was to pawn the gold chain.... I think she kind of knew the reaction I would give and as a sweetener said that the money would go to cover the horrid tattoos she has (I have mentioned these before). Although I can see why she would do this but it is hard letting go of an item that has such sentimental value to me personally. I thought it had the same sentimental value to Lucy but now I don't think so. This is a hard item for me to let go..... there are some times I do feel I am mourning the loss of my man and this is just one of those items that I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of just yet. It is hard to let go even though I have been losing my man since the day I met him. I always knew this was going to be the end game even if Lucy didn't realise it herself. I do fully support Lucy and the transition she is making but this change is not all about her and affects me too and we are making this journey together as a team.