Tuesday, 30 May 2017

One step forwards, two steps back

One step forward, two steps back. That’s just how it seems sometimes.

The timeline for Lucy becoming full time has just changed yet again and has been moved back which means this twilight world continues now until the beginning of next year. When I say full time…. I actually mean out to the world. She is full time at home and has been for a very long time although it isn’t noticeable ‘he’ is Lucy when ‘he’ is out, she just doesn’t dress overtly female unless we are in a comfortable environment.

The delay is all for a good reason I suppose. Although she is now employed in her new role (sadly as him), the company has recently been taken over by a large international corporate, which will be great for her to transition in, and although it is not a bad company to work for we had already been looking at setting up our own business to do a similar thing. She is also giving up the taxi business as it is long hours and with Uber and other competition and illegal touting it is just not bringing the money in it used to (possibly London black taxi for sale) however it is always good as a back up to bring something extra in. Lucy feels that when promoting this new business and getting contracts agreed and signed that it would be easier with her presenting ‘male’ than trans female. It shouldn’t be this way but she is probably right. As we are hoping this new business will be one of her main sources of income we do need to give it the best chance when setting it up.

We also have our own DJ business which is very successful but currently we don’t advertise or push it that much as most of the business comes from word of mouth and recommendations. Lucy loves DJing and to be honest she is bloody good. At the weekend she upgraded some of the equipment and we were having a play around with new lights and lasers in our kitchen at stupid o’clock Saturday morning getting it all ready for a gig she was doing later that evening. This is another business that we need to push too and get as many advance bookings as we can so we are getting our heads together to discuss strategy.

The delay in going full time means that instead of giving up refereeing mens football at the end of this season she can carry on for much of next season too. Football is the love of her life and has in many ways been her saviour. It was an ideal cover to hide the true her and allowed her to engage and hide as ‘one of the boys’. She still plans to referee womens football and we are hoping that will continue once she is full time. It is probably this group of football friends that will take her transition quite hard and who will probably be the most shocked as she hid the real her so well. Obviously all of this can only continue with ‘him’ until her physical changes start to become openly obvious and much depends on the growth of her chest which she is only just managing to hide at the moment.

Before going full time she is also hoping her hair will be longer. She is really not keen on having to wear a wig all the time as you have to be so careful that it does not get displaced or caught on something. A soggy wig in the rain (we live in the UK) is not a good look and it is also very sweaty and uncomfortable in the hotter weather. Her hair is growing and is quite long now. I’ve mentioned before that her small patch now has lots of hair albeit baby fine. In fact the hair on the top of her head is finer than the sides and back and isn’t strong enough yet to hold extensions which she will probably need. She will still have the wigs for the times that she wants longer hair. If she opts for a hair transplant and we have enough money for one it will mean having her hair shaved off which I think will be very sad but a necessity.

And of course, this delay also stalls her telling her sons……. I’ve told her that she must tell them while she still looks a bit like their dad. To me ‘he’ is going away quite quickly and I feel very strongly that she must tell them as ‘he’ and before there are too many noticeable physical changes. She was aiming for Christmas time but I feel that is too far away and we also need to steer clear of any special dates as we don’t want that to become a yearly anniversary reminder so September is looking like a good rough time to aim for but again that depends on the speed of her physical changes and lucy herself. As you know, once she has told her sons I can tell my two remaining sons who don’t officially know, however one son does suspect but has not mentioned anything to me recently. It will make life so much easier and sometimes it is the little things. One of my sons is a high level computer techie and Lucy’s laptop died at the weekend. It has hardly been used and we are sure it can be repaired however we cannot ask my son to have a look at it as there are lots of pics of Lucy on it! It is the same with my laptop which is limping along, there are pictures I need to remove but I’m worried about any history he may be able to access so again that will have to wait until he knows our situation.

And would you bloody believe it?!!! Remember all the debarkle last year with Lloyds Bank??? Well last week Lucy went into a different branch and YET AGAIN got accused of using someone elses card and knowing their pin code. This is despite us being assured that there is a note that pops up on the screen to the bank teller when the card is entered. This teller threatened to take the card off her as it was 'obviously' not her card and low and behold a few days later in the post Lucy is issued with a new pin number for her card which has obviously been generated by this bank teller. I was incensed (I seem to take it worse than Lucy) and find it unbelievable that despite all the numerous conversations we have had with them over this we are back to square one. Lucy has been in contact with Lloyds and is awaiting a call back. I do hope they have a stall at Sparkle again this year as I have plenty to say to them!

We are back at the GIC at the end of July and this is her second appointment so we are hoping that she will be prescribed the NHS regime of hormones from then on and can move away from the Gender GP which would save us quite a bit of money. This service has been a total life saver for Lucy though and has certainly moved her body and confidence much further down the road than it would have been as we would still be waiting for the NHS hormones which will be nearly 2 years from her referral from the GP. I have to say though, 8 months on and I'm still waiting for these notorious mood swings but so far she is just the same as she always has been. Already having a hormonal teenager in the house means this is a relief! She has had a letter through with her referral for laser hair removal treatment so needs to contact them and get booked in. It is only for 6 sessions but it again will be a step in the right direction and we will have to save up for more after.

A few (trans) partners of friends of mine are booked in June and July to have Face Feminisation Surgery. I think this is a huge step to take and although currently we cannot see how we could ever afford this I am interested in seeing the results. One is having it done here in the UK and the other is going to Marbella in Spain and staying at Jennys Nest after. Exciting times for them.

This weekend we are seeing our friends Jenny and Ethan for another murder mystery night and will be meeting some other friends of theirs. It should be a great weekend, starting with a visit to Pinks on the Friday night before we drive up to theirs on the Saturday. Jenny is a teacher and she has agreed to sign Lucy’s passport form and pictures so we can get that registered in her name at last. We have the letter from the GP too and once Lucy has her passport sorted it is a simple thing to get her driving licence changed. This is one of the last things we need to do and I know it will be exciting to see her passport in the right name and with the right gender marker at last. 

Just as I'm about to press the button to post this blog and Lucy rocks in from work with a new top of the ear cartilage piercing! How on earth am I supposed to explain that one away! It looks great though but she will be the death of me!!

Tuesday, 16 May 2017

Blood tests and internet attacks

Sorry for the pauses in between blog posts. It is not that I don’t have anything to write about. I usually have lots and generally have several draft posts on the go at any one time. At the moment I have 2 others but they are not ready yet.

Lucy had the results of her blood tests back and they are really looking good and levels are definitely moving in the right direction. She sent them off to Dr Webberley who has now increased the patch dose to 12.8mg (2 x Evorel 100) and we are definitely seeing changes which is good. She has put on weight with the patches and I try to nicely nag her when I see she is eating rubbish however she seems to think I’m not being very supportive. She says the weight is not piling on and she has stabilised but her body shape is changing and she is looking like she has put more weight on especially in the tummy area. Weight is always a sensitive subject anyway for anyone. I’m not a skinny bean and my weight has been stable for the last 12 years but I am on the fatter part of the spectrum (boo hoo).

I know she is still very conscious of the thinning patch on her head however there is hair lots of baby fine hair growing there now, it is lighter in colour but it is getting longer now. Hopefully this will thicken up and get a bit darker. The rest of her hair is getting quite long and she even allowed me to straighten it (it is very curly) which made her look totally different and it looked even longer. It was funny as she kept shaking her head as it was flicking around at the back of her neck.

She has still been involved in lots of stuff behind the scenes for Sparkle. It is certainly shaping up to be a great event. We are looking forward to going and hope that the weather stays fine. Last year it was intermittent rain and kept changing from warm to cold. Fingers crossed.

We had a great evening out at Pinks on Friday meeting up with some old friends and making new ones as we always do. As it was a couple of months since we had last been able to go out it was well overdue and great fun. I just love spending time with her... well she is my best friend and soulmate!

This weekend seemed to have been a big weekend for the internet. Firstly, here in the UK there was the ransomware cyber attack that has caused chaos within many NHS organisations which continues this week. And of course there was the co-ordinated worldwide attack (150 countries) where some neo-Nazi groups posted and corrupted, and attempted to disrupt, many ‘trans’ related groups and pages.

They initiated support through Reddit style chat boards called 4chan and 8chan and created Facebook groups to rally their troops. Seems their focus was to attack and report groups to get them closed, ban the admins and get them closed forever as well as attacking individuals posting on these sites. These trolls were, and still are, making many fake accounts in order to infiltrate these groups and pages. Some groups/pages were named however they hit on many, many more. These are supposed to be safe spaces and support groups and many people within this community are vulnerable. Luckily many of the different group/page admins were alerted and all worked together monitoring or stopping all new members for a time period and spent a huge amount of time banning and reporting people, getting profiles removed as well as deleting posts.                                                                                                        
One Facebook page that I follow was not so lucky and got hit left right and centre. Assigned Male Comics who create some great trans cartoons had a horrendous amount of neo-Nazi memes and aggressive transphobic abuse posted everywhere. They covered the page with Nazi nemes and symbols, Hitler imagery, references to gassing trans people, threats to kill trans, supporters and Sophie whose page it is. Poor Sophie spent hours deleting comments and banning people and has now assigned an admin team formed of volunteers to assist. There are so many that it has been impossible to delete them all. Even today the abusive and disgusting posts continue and along with private messages to anyone who posts against their tirades…. “messages about raping me to death”, “killing my family”. Their messages contain vicious hatred and xenophobia, their profile pictures often contain swastikas, sometimes brandishing a weapon of some sort, they post about supremacy and then get offended when they are called racists or transphobic. Majority of these are using fake profiles but some, which shows the level of their intelligence, didn’t which has resulted in some comeback on their own profiles and comments being sent to some of their friends. Sadly, some of the aggressors were school kids. Most seemed to be male.

These were planned, co-ordinated and abusive attacks which still continue today. There is evidence of plans being initiated back at the beginning of April and according to their propaganda, it looks like it will continue into this coming weekend.

I am not really sure what these protesters really want to achieve? Do they really think that trans/non-binary people will stop being trans/non-binary just because support groups/pages have closed (which they haven’t)? It seems many have nothing better to do with their lives and they have been awake day and night posting their abuse. Many of the abusers appear to be from the US. Is this evidence of the impact of the Trump presidency?

One thing that has surprised me is that there has been no media coverage about this and nothing comes up on google. The whole thing seems to have slipped under the radar of the general public and possibly to people within the community. I am not posting about them to forward their objectives but to raise awareness to those people who may not have known this was happening. Had I not been a member of some particular groups I would never have known about this or seen the ferociousness and the vehemency of their attacks. As always with all social media, be careful who you accept as friends and when in groups or pages be vigilant and if you see anything that could be inappropriate report it to either the admins or if on Facebook, also report it to Facebook itself. In this instance they have been swift in acting on inappropriate profiles and pages. Remember this is just words and usually keyboard warriers...... I doubt many of them would be so brave if it was a face to face interaction!

Monday, 24 April 2017

When Lucy met Megan

Megan is our 14 year old daughter. I have referred to her in previous posts as 'M'. As you will know we told her about Lucy just under a year ago and her reaction was brilliant. She can't wait to met some of our close friends, Jenny & Ethan and Paulette.

She has been very non plussed about it all and doesn't think that it is a big deal. She has seen many pictures of Lucy all made up and out and about and is on our Facebook accounts so has access to all our activities and pics - some where we are both a little worse for wear! At home she doesn't bat an eyelid when Lucy wanders round in her fluffy slippers or is wearing a dress for the evening and all Lucy's new clothes purchases are shown to both the girls for their opinion. She sees the washing on the line, the array of beauty products strewn around our bedroom and Lucy who used to be totally shy about being seen coming out the bathroom no longer hides away and everyone is just so comfortable.

Despite all this, Megan had never seen Lucy properly dressed up, with make up looking like she does in the many pictures. So we decided we were having a girls night in, me, Lucy, Megan and my other daughter B. We bought all sorts of nibbles and a couple bottles of prosecco and chose to watch the film Bridget Jones Baby.

Lucy went upstairs and got ready starting with a bath. B (who has been out with us in the past) finished off Lucy's make up and included a little tutorial on applying eye shadow too. Lucy takes an age to get ready but eventually she was finished. She hid in our bedroom and actually turned the light off as she was nervous. Megan came along and turned the light on and when she saw Lucy her face just lit up and she squealed and gave Lucy the biggest hug. It was just a totally amazing moment.

We all went downstairs for the food and the film. Lots of pictures were taken of both the girls and Lucy and Megan spent all night by Lucy's side (it is very rare to get Megan even out of her bedroom for dinner these days). The whole night just whizzed by. Lucy relaxed and Megan was just brilliant.

So as you will expect, we are planning another girls night in as we all had just such a brilliant time.

Thursday, 13 April 2017

Another marathon

Well done Lucy!!! On Sunday she ran the Brighton Marathon and raised lots of money for Great Ormond Street Hospital. She suffered quite a bit as both her achilles were hurting before she even started and nearly gave up after half a mile when she was running uphill around Preston Park however she is not one to give up and she persevered and made it. I am so proud of her and her achievement especially as I know she hates running.

I did post some pictures of her during the race on Facebook (as him sadly) and quite a few people commented on the length of her hair. It is getting quite long now and the baby fine hair that has replaced the thinning patch is getting long enough that the patch is disappearing - proof that Finasteride works. Even when she is dressed as 'him' I am loving the longer hair. It is still partially at the side sticking out stage but I think she looks really cute (and younger too!) and it does change her face although that could be the hormones too as her face shape does appear to be softening. I thought it was just me that could notice but Emma (our nail lady) commented on it too. She also mentioned that in one of the marathon pictures you could see her breast changes through the t-shirt even though she was wearing a tight sports bra and funnily enough I thought the same. I think we could see it as we knew the situation and I don't think anyone who doesn't know would notice. The hormones are definitely having the right affects as it seems to me every day her boobs are getting bigger and the shape is changing for the better and her body shape is changing as she is getting a waist. All good signs!

In other news.....
Lucy has has a call up for her to have a cervical smear test! That did make us both chuckle but at least it means that all her medical records have had the gender marker changed as well as her name. Just a shame that B our 21 year old daughter has got another 4 years before she gets called for hers!

Lucy went for a routine blood test this week. As she was in 'male mode*' when she went she took our daughter M with her for support. There was some confusion from the nurse who firstly thought she was taking blood from M but when Lucy said they were here for her the nurse then said that she had the wrong persons blood test request slip. Lucy told her she hadn't however the nurse was sure it was wrong and got up to go out the room when Lucy told her to please sit down and that it was the right slip and she was the right person and to have a look at what the blood test was for. The nurse slowly realised the situation and Lucy explained that she was 'work in progress'. The bloods were taken ok and now we just have to wait for the results to send off to Dr Webberley.
*male mode - this is very misleading as she is looking more and more feminine by the day. A more accurate description may be she is looking more and more non-binary when casually dressed in male type clothing because when she is wearing female gender specific clothing she looks more girlie because the clothes are matching her better. I know what I mean even if I have confused the hell out of you all!

Lucy is now changing her passport details and sent an email to her GP. Unfortunately it turns out he is off on holiday at the moment along with the other GP in the practice who is aware of Lucy's situation so she will have to wait a little bit longer to see if they will write the necessary letter. We don't expect this to be an issue but you never know.

She is also an admin assistant for the Sparkle weekend event in July. She is not a Trustee but seeing the work she is doing behind the scenes (and what everyone else is doing) makes you realise how much work goes into this event. It is certainly shaping up to be a fantastic weekend but I'm now not sure how much of it we will spending enjoying as it looks like we both may be helping out. Watch this space!

Saturday, 25 March 2017

Trans widow - Q & A

If you follow my blog then you will probably know about Lucy and I and the journey we are on. I know that putting a blog into the public domain means it is available to one and all. I have seen other bloggers suffer real transphobic abuse from people who comment (some from within the trans community) and I suppose that in the 18 months I have been blogging I have been lucky..... well until the day after my last blog post was featured on T-Central.

A CIS woman calling herself a trans widow decided to comment on my blog and it was totally obvious from her comments that she had only read the recent post and had not read any of my previous posts and really knew nothing about Lucy and our situation. Everyone has a different journey and a different outcome and it is very sad that 'Penelope' has not moved on with her life and felt it appropriate to post the vitriolic comments on my blog. Life goes on and just because her relationship failed it doesn't mean they all do or that ours will.

I did make a couple of comments back to her and even Lucy who is usually very quiet decided to comment but I was not prepared to rise to the bait of a bitter woman who thinks everyone's experience must be the same as hers. I don't have to answer to anyone let alone a bitter stranger but thought I would answer her questions here:

Hasn't anyone told you about autogynephilia?
What on earth is that? I hate people who use words that are not commonly used. I had to google it "Autogynephilia is the "mental illness" described by the theory that transgender women who aren't exclusively attracted to men actually have a sexual fetish for viewing themselves as female. This covers lesbian, bisexual, and pansexual trans women. So my answer is no, I have not heard about it but fail to see the relevance to Lucy and our situation. This seems like a completely unproven theory and why does this relate to only to women and not gay or bisexual men too?

Are you seriously prepared to do this to your family and yourself for the sake of a narcissistic fetishist who is having a love affair with himself
Who is a narcissistic fetishist? What makes you believe this? Certainly not Lucy? And SHE doe not have a love affair with herself... far from it actually. Get your pronouns right!

What about your life and your own needs?
My life and my needs are perfectly fine thank you. Should you read my blog in it's entirety then you would know that my life and needs are sorted and not compromised.

What about your own identity and sexuality or that of your children?
My sexual identity is also fine thank you very much and I don't have to explain or justify this to anyone else especially someone this bitter and who I don't know.  I am very comfortable with it. Our children are fine too - thank you for asking.

Do you honestly think this is psychologically harmless to a child of any sex to watch their father being enabled by you to bereave and rob them of a parent figure?
Yes I do actually in the right circumstances and handled in a careful way. We are an extremely close and loving family. Lets face it, kids are very resilient.

Their only choice to go along with the lies and untruths of their own biology and origins?
What on earth is this all about? I presume you are talking about the kids. Their own biology and origins are not affected and don't ever change. When we talk about kids, they range in age from 31 to 14 so many are not children and most are adults.

Are you really going to demand other people suspend their disbelief and cater EVERMORE to this persons demands?
Who is demanding anything? Certainly not Lucy or I. Just because YOUR partner was demanding it doesn't mean that MY Lucy or myself are the same. People are different and have different personalities or hadn't you noticed? Don't get me wrong, we have both met trans people who put their welfare over and above everyone else but not Lucy.... the opposite in fact!

Do you know what the future holds?
No. Do you? Does anyone know what the future holds? It is the future and all to play for and the path can change on the spin of a coin. A ridiculous question as I am not a clairvoyant (even though I played a clairvoyant at the murder mystery dinner party so I can see the misunderstanding.... well actually not as you didn't read any other of my posts so you wouldn't have known!).

How do you imagine he might repay your love and devotion?
Who is this 'he' you speak of? Just because your love and devotion was betrayed it does not mean it is the same for everyone. I don't expect anyone to repay anything.... for me that is not what a relationship is about and this relates to any relationship whether it be my partner, family or friends. My actions are not taken with any ulterior motive. All you need to know is that we are both totally in love and devoted to each other.

How far is Lucy planning to go with this transition? All the way, part of the way?
If you had bothered to read any of my other posts you would know that Lucy is going for full transition with my full support. Not sure what your point is and the relevance?

How does that impact your identity?
It doesn't and why would it?

Are you not afraid Lucy might fully transition and start to prefer other men or worse, lie to you? it happens a lot.
No, this does not worry me. She has never lied to me and was very honest from very early in our relationship. We are open and honest and talk all the time and this is why is works for us. Lies may happen a lot (according to you) however it does not apply to us and I also know of many relationships where there are no lies. Lies can happen whether or not your partner is trans..... it is not exclusive to those relationships.

What care toward you has he shown so far now you have encouraged his transition?
SHE shows me lots of care in many, many ways and we have a very loving relationship. Had you bothered to read any of my other posts you would know this.

Is he happier or has he become more anxious and more difficult? could guilt be playing a part? why is that do you think? 
SHE is much happier, I am much happier and our family unit who live at home are very happy..... where does guilt come to play in this question?

Do you have to walk on eggshells round lucy?
Ha ha no of course not and never have! Why would you think this? Ah yes, you are trying to transfer your negative experience to our relationship. Have you gathered yet that there is no similarity?? (p.s. Lucy is spelt with a capital L).

Do you always have to do what Lucy wants or do you sometimes get it your way too?
Now you are getting to know me a little better what do you think? What are you referring to in what context? We are in a relationship and there is give and take on both sides..... that's what a relationship is about!

Could you live like this forever where 'its all about my lucy'?
Don't take the name of my blog literally and fit it to your negativity. It is MY title that I chose for my blog. It is a blog about Lucy's transition and our life together and if you read the posts they are not all about Lucy - there is a lot about me and other things. Our life is not 'all about Lucy'. I could quite and easily have named it 'It's all about Lucy and Avril'. Get real!

You are erased as a human to be perceived as handmaiden to patriarchal, binary notions of gender?
OMG.... what is this all about? I had to laugh when I read this. What on earth are you getting at? I'm no handmaiden to anything however you are a handmaiden to bitterness and anger (and it is time for you to move on with your life as it seems to be eating you away).

Have you not seen the private forums, chats and porn sites? dont they set your alarm bells ringing just a little bit?   
I'm thinking you obviously had a bad time with your partner. There are no alarm bells as there is nothing to worry about. Read previous comments about us being open and honest and talk all the time. There are no hidden secrets.

Was he always a cross dresser?
SHE has never been a CD. She has always been trans.

Was he a GNC child and adult?
No SHE was not GNC ever. She wore her mask well though. The details are none of your business however she has been trans since her earliest memories.

Myself and other 'trans widows' know that this does not come out of the blue. it takes a lot of lies and betrayals, a lot of gaslighting and violation and subtle forms of abuse for a man to get this far with transition while still 'happily' married and with family still in thrall to his narcissistic selfishness.
Hmmm.... again you are transferring YOUR negative experience and it doesn't fit our relationship. Our situation is not 'out of the blue'. I knew about Lucy within a couple of months into our relationship and I am externally grateful. I had the get out clause but wasn't interested in it. There have been no lies, betrayals or anything else you mention in OUR relationship. I have always known unlike yourself. Lucy was selfless and risked everything in telling me so early but it has meant that our whole relationship has been based on truths and not lies and deceit. I find it very sad that you have a labelled yourselves in such a negative way by using the terminology 'trans widow'. I am divorced from my first husband but never considered myself a 'marriage widow'.

I cant help but notice that Lucy came out at the same time a close female family members was going through puberty and adolescence.
What makes you come to this conclusion? Lucy 'came out' to me long before our daughter was conceived and when my oldest daughter was 4, 16 years ago. No other female family members were going through puberty at the time however one of my sons was.... does that count? Her honesty to me was not based on family members as she didn't know them that well at the time. It was based wholly on OUR relationship (and I had been through puberty many, many years before!). She knew our relationship was serious and cared enough to tell me at the risk of losing me.

This is incredibly common among Agp males who misrepresent themselves as heteronormative and repeatedly enter 'beard' marriages due to their internalised homophobia and need to be seen as normal masculine males
Hmmm.... no idea what a 'beard' marriage is so well done google yet again....
Beard is a slang term describing a person who is used, knowingly or unknowingly, as a date, romantic partner (boyfriend or girlfriend), or spouse either to conceal infidelity or to conceal one's sexual orientation. The American slang term originally referred to anyone who acted on behalf of another, in any transaction, to conceal a person's true identity
Well, yet again if you had read my blog there was nothing 'beard' about our relationship or marriage (or even about Lucy as she has never had facial hair)! In fact we got married 9 years after meeting and 9 years after me knowing about Lucy so I am afraid yet again your assumption is very, very wrong. And just for the record, neither Lucy or any of our family are homophobic.

Its not a coincidence that so very many trans fathers come out during a daughters puberty as female puberty is heavily fetishised by such men - go see for yourself its all online if you know what to look for.
Well I am sure by now you realise that this does not apply to Lucy. I also really dislike your use of 'fetish'. You really and truly have no understanding of the make up of a trans person.

Well trans widow Penelope you will see I have taken the time out to reply to your biased comments. Had you bothered to read back on any of the very many posts I have written you would have seen that your assumptions about mine and Lucy's relationship and  our situation is completely different to your experience and I am certainly not the na├»ve and uninformed person that you believe me to be. It is sad that you are so bitter that you felt the need to comment and make statements based on your own relationship. Surely your internet research would tell you that no two trans relationships are the same and in some cases the differences are subtle and in some the differences are worlds apart. I am a member of plenty of forums and partner support groups and admin on a couple so see things in a very rounded context and am privy to lots of partners experiences and thoughts. I hear about the damage that is done to relationships but also hear of the success stories where couples have come through on the other side, with and without transition; ftm as well as mtf.

I know I am one of the lucky ones where I was told very early on in our relationship and I am eternally grateful to Lucy for this. Possibly if I had found out several years after being together and after having a family by which time everything has been built on lies I may have felt differently. To have the rug pulled out from under your feet and to find out the relationship you had invested in and built upon was based on a pack of lies must have been heart breaking and I get that. I do understand your pain but it is YOUR pain not mine.

I have known for 16 years so you can see this is not a new situation for me. In that time we have continued to be open and honest with each other and share so much. We go out and have fun together and take time for each other. We are closer than ever (which we never thought possible as we were always very close) and talk all the time. Lucy is my soulmate.

Can I advise that next time before you comment take the time to know the person you are commenting on. It is time for you to let go of your past and look forward to the future. The future is not written and anything is possible (see my answer to your question to me about the future). I hope you eventually find the peace you need.


Sunday, 19 March 2017

Wobble and more!!

This week Lucy had another wobble and had doubts if she is doing the right thing. These seem to come in cycles. This was caused by a post-op friend of ours saying how difficult and lonely life was for her. This started Lucy off.... The world these days is far more accepting than it used to be and together we can face anything. We have already faced so much and come through the other side stronger. Lots of people who post about unhappiness generally seem to be those without partners or family supporting them and yes, it must be bloody hard. I keep reminding Lucy that I am here for her, FOREVER. We also have friends already that are accepting as well as a whole load of really good community friends. This is our journey and not just hers. We can't go back now as I really believe it would kill both of us and I hate living in this twilight world full of secrets and not being able be truly be who we both are. The road ahead will be full of uncertainty and no doubt will be difficult at times but we are a team and will get through this together. Luckily due to the partner groups I am on I hear lots of stories about couples who have come out the other side and are still happy and not just the negative stories. We will be one of those happy couples and I am 100% certain she is doing the right thing. Why should she live the rest of her life as a complete compromise? She could have almost as many years as she has already lived living in the right body and living the right life. F**k everyone else!

Last week we had Pandora gate..... Lucy had wanted a Pandora bracelet for some time and every time she mentioned it I told her to wait until her birthday in September as I wanted to buy it. Recently my daughter got one for her 21st and one of my sons girlfriends got one for her 30th. Lucy is very impatient and just went out and bought one.... not just the bracelet but safety chain and some charms. She was so pleased with herself and I was so peed off. She thought I would be happy buying charms for the bracelet but I'm not. I wanted to buy her the bracelet itself. It was the only thing I knew she really wanted that I could have given that would have been a 'keeper' present that anyone could add charms to. Generally if she wants something she will buy it. She bought different 'wedding' and 'engagement' rings for when we go out. Although they were cheap, they are genuine jewellery and not costume jewellery. I had no input and she just came back with them hence the importance to me of the Pandora bracelet. We ended up having a massive row about it however she does now appreciate the significance. She said I could pay her for the bracelet but I didn't want to as that is not me going and choosing and buying it for her. She then volunteered to take it back but there was no point. It was already bought. I did say in anger that I would never buy any charms for her but no doubt I will. It still won't have the same significance to me as I won't be adding to something I chose and bought..... Now I have no idea of any sort of present to buy her!

This week I also lost the diamond out of my wedding/engagement ring. It was 2 rings that slotted together however I had them welded together as they kept twiddling round. As you can imagine I am gutted however I would be more gutted if I had lost the ring. We searched everywhere but couldn't find the diamond. Luckily it is insured, we have to pay a £100 excess, so it is now in the jewellers waiting for a quote along with a copy of the valuation which gives exact detail of the diamond.

While I was in the jewellery shop I spoke to them about 'his' wedding ring as that was also on the same valuation sheet. As you may recall, we are planning on getting 'married' again once all the surgery is done and want 'his' ring made into 2 separate rings, one for Lucy and one for me. If we take the same ring and just cut it in half (it is a big ring) then it was be approx. £200 per ring and if we have it melted down and 2 completely new rings then will be a bit more. At least we now have a rough idea of the cost.

In the middle of Pandora gate (which happened on a day we were planning on going to Pinks) Lucy got a call from the GIC cancelling her 2nd appointment in September. They didn't say why but she had to ring back. As you can imagine we were gutted however they offered her a replacement appointment in November or July. Well she jumped at the July appointment so it turns out to be beneficial as it is now sooner. We have booked a hotel nearby but not the same one as last time.

Last Friday we went to Pinks. It was a BNO however there were not as many as the regulars there as usual however we did get to see one girl we hadn't seen for ages (in fact we were talking about her in the car on the drive there and about how long it had been since we last saw her) and a lovely friend who we have not seen for at least 6 months since she had her op. As usual we ended up making some new friends too. When we posted some of the pics on Facebook (as usual) one of our friends commented on how Lucy's face was changing due to the hormones. We hadn't noticed, but this was someone who hasn't seen her or any pics for a while so it was reassuring that there are other changes other than the obvious ones. Her hair is also getting longer but still at the annoying in between stage. Quite a few people are commenting on it now and apart from a drunken neighbour who just wouldn't stop going on about it and how 'he' should cut it, the general consensus is that it makes 'him' look younger. 

Today Lucy ran the Hampton Court Palace half marathon. It was an early start for a Sunday and she had been out in the taxi last night so only had a few hours sleep. She hadn't trained and was relying on the football refereeing she does. Cardio was not an issue but she really felt it in her legs. I was able to get to a couple of points along the route to cheer her along and she finished in less than 3 hours. The medal is lovely and I'm am so proud of her. She is running the Brighton marathon in 3 weeks time but she will have to do some more training for that! I will be there supporting her all the way.

Thursday, 9 March 2017

My tattoo and other stuff

At last!!! I have had my tattoo done.

I love it so much. The only downside is that I can't really see it that well but I know everyone else can  which is good. I wear a lot of vest tops in the summer and it sits right inside the straps perfectly. A thigh tattoo is next for me. The lady tattooist is designing something but I also have an artist friend who lives in Thailand and he has volunteered to draw something too. Hopefully I will have some choice.

Lucy has also had her thigh tattoo done. I think it is absolutely beautiful and she is chuffed to bits with it!

She is now planning extending the peony pattern on her arm to her shoulder and wants one on her foot. I'm not keen on her having too many more as I think that will be enough but it is up to her.

This week we knew for sure that the GP had properly changed Lucy's record..... she got a letter from the local health authority inviting her in for a cervical smear test! We did have a little smile.

She is still buying lots of make up and all lovely expensive stuff. Seems her and my daughter have similar tastes. She does spend quite a bit but needs to learn more how to apply it herself. The last couple of times I have ended up having to applying her eyeshadow and sort out her eyebrows for her. It is not she can't do it, I just think she is taking the easy option because I'm not there when she could do it herself. She also needs to practice more at home and take the opportunity of both our daughters being around to advise which she can do more now that she has her new job.

Lucy is still growing her hair but it is slow progress which I knows she finds frustrating.  It is at a real in between stage which is always awkward. It is quite long but still going out more than down. For work she is wearing a baseball cap to try to hide it a bit. Considering she is not full time at the moment I am surprised that no one has commented on her hair as 'he' has never had hair this long in the 16 years I have known her. Hopefully the longer it gets the extra weight will start to pull it down more. I think she is expecting her natural hair to look like some of the wigs she has but I doubt it every will, though when it is long enough she can consider having extensions. She also has hair growing in her small patch that was thinning which means the Finasteride must be working. At the moment it is fine baby-like hair but hopefully in time it will thicken up.

Facially I don't think there have been any noticeable changes but I swear her bum is getting bigger. She says that she doesn't sweat as much these days not that she was a very sweaty person anyway. All good signs that the patches are working.

Little steps......