Saturday, 25 March 2017

Trans widow - Q & A

If you follow my blog then you will probably know about Lucy and I and the journey we are on. I know that putting a blog into the public domain means it is available to one and all. I have seen other bloggers suffer real transphobic abuse from people who comment (some from within the trans community) and I suppose that in the 18 months I have been blogging I have been lucky..... well until the day after my last blog post was featured on T-Central.

A CIS woman calling herself a trans widow decided to comment on my blog and it was totally obvious from her comments that she had only read the recent post and had not read any of my previous posts and really knew nothing about Lucy and our situation. Everyone has a different journey and a different outcome and it is very sad that 'Penelope' has not moved on with her life and felt it appropriate to post the vitriolic comments on my blog. Life goes on and just because her relationship failed it doesn't mean they all do or that ours will.

I did make a couple of comments back to her and even Lucy who is usually very quiet decided to comment but I was not prepared to rise to the bait of a bitter woman who thinks everyone's experience must be the same as hers. I don't have to answer to anyone let alone a bitter stranger but thought I would answer her questions here:

Hasn't anyone told you about autogynephilia?
What on earth is that? I hate people who use words that are not commonly used. I had to google it "Autogynephilia is the "mental illness" described by the theory that transgender women who aren't exclusively attracted to men actually have a sexual fetish for viewing themselves as female. This covers lesbian, bisexual, and pansexual trans women. So my answer is no, I have not heard about it but fail to see the relevance to Lucy and our situation. This seems like a completely unproven theory and why does this relate to only to women and not gay or bisexual men too?

Are you seriously prepared to do this to your family and yourself for the sake of a narcissistic fetishist who is having a love affair with himself
Who is a narcissistic fetishist? What makes you believe this? Certainly not Lucy? And SHE doe not have a love affair with herself... far from it actually. Get your pronouns right!

What about your life and your own needs?
My life and my needs are perfectly fine thank you. Should you read my blog in it's entirety then you would know that my life and needs are sorted and not compromised.

What about your own identity and sexuality or that of your children?
My sexual identity is also fine thank you very much and I don't have to explain or justify this to anyone else especially someone this bitter and who I don't know.  I am very comfortable with it. Our children are fine too - thank you for asking.

Do you honestly think this is psychologically harmless to a child of any sex to watch their father being enabled by you to bereave and rob them of a parent figure?
Yes I do actually in the right circumstances and handled in a careful way. We are an extremely close and loving family. Lets face it, kids are very resilient.

Their only choice to go along with the lies and untruths of their own biology and origins?
What on earth is this all about? I presume you are talking about the kids. Their own biology and origins are not affected and don't ever change. When we talk about kids, they range in age from 31 to 14 so many are not children and most are adults.

Are you really going to demand other people suspend their disbelief and cater EVERMORE to this persons demands?
Who is demanding anything? Certainly not Lucy or I. Just because YOUR partner was demanding it doesn't mean that MY Lucy or myself are the same. People are different and have different personalities or hadn't you noticed? Don't get me wrong, we have both met trans people who put their welfare over and above everyone else but not Lucy.... the opposite in fact!

Do you know what the future holds?
No. Do you? Does anyone know what the future holds? It is the future and all to play for and the path can change on the spin of a coin. A ridiculous question as I am not a clairvoyant (even though I played a clairvoyant at the murder mystery dinner party so I can see the misunderstanding.... well actually not as you didn't read any other of my posts so you wouldn't have known!).

How do you imagine he might repay your love and devotion?
Who is this 'he' you speak of? Just because your love and devotion was betrayed it does not mean it is the same for everyone. I don't expect anyone to repay anything.... for me that is not what a relationship is about and this relates to any relationship whether it be my partner, family or friends. My actions are not taken with any ulterior motive. All you need to know is that we are both totally in love and devoted to each other.

How far is Lucy planning to go with this transition? All the way, part of the way?
If you had bothered to read any of my other posts you would know that Lucy is going for full transition with my full support. Not sure what your point is and the relevance?

How does that impact your identity?
It doesn't and why would it?

Are you not afraid Lucy might fully transition and start to prefer other men or worse, lie to you? it happens a lot.
No, this does not worry me. She has never lied to me and was very honest from very early in our relationship. We are open and honest and talk all the time and this is why is works for us. Lies may happen a lot (according to you) however it does not apply to us and I also know of many relationships where there are no lies. Lies can happen whether or not your partner is trans..... it is not exclusive to those relationships.

What care toward you has he shown so far now you have encouraged his transition?
SHE shows me lots of care in many, many ways and we have a very loving relationship. Had you bothered to read any of my other posts you would know this.

Is he happier or has he become more anxious and more difficult? could guilt be playing a part? why is that do you think? 
SHE is much happier, I am much happier and our family unit who live at home are very happy..... where does guilt come to play in this question?

Do you have to walk on eggshells round lucy?
Ha ha no of course not and never have! Why would you think this? Ah yes, you are trying to transfer your negative experience to our relationship. Have you gathered yet that there is no similarity?? (p.s. Lucy is spelt with a capital L).

Do you always have to do what Lucy wants or do you sometimes get it your way too?
Now you are getting to know me a little better what do you think? What are you referring to in what context? We are in a relationship and there is give and take on both sides..... that's what a relationship is about!

Could you live like this forever where 'its all about my lucy'?
Don't take the name of my blog literally and fit it to your negativity. It is MY title that I chose for my blog. It is a blog about Lucy's transition and our life together and if you read the posts they are not all about Lucy - there is a lot about me and other things. Our life is not 'all about Lucy'. I could quite and easily have named it 'It's all about Lucy and Avril'. Get real!

You are erased as a human to be perceived as handmaiden to patriarchal, binary notions of gender?
OMG.... what is this all about? I had to laugh when I read this. What on earth are you getting at? I'm no handmaiden to anything however you are a handmaiden to bitterness and anger (and it is time for you to move on with your life as it seems to be eating you away).

Have you not seen the private forums, chats and porn sites? dont they set your alarm bells ringing just a little bit?   
I'm thinking you obviously had a bad time with your partner. There are no alarm bells as there is nothing to worry about. Read previous comments about us being open and honest and talk all the time. There are no hidden secrets.

Was he always a cross dresser?
SHE has never been a CD. She has always been trans.

Was he a GNC child and adult?
No SHE was not GNC ever. She wore her mask well though. The details are none of your business however she has been trans since her earliest memories.

Myself and other 'trans widows' know that this does not come out of the blue. it takes a lot of lies and betrayals, a lot of gaslighting and violation and subtle forms of abuse for a man to get this far with transition while still 'happily' married and with family still in thrall to his narcissistic selfishness.
Hmmm.... again you are transferring YOUR negative experience and it doesn't fit our relationship. Our situation is not 'out of the blue'. I knew about Lucy within a couple of months into our relationship and I am externally grateful. I had the get out clause but wasn't interested in it. There have been no lies, betrayals or anything else you mention in OUR relationship. I have always known unlike yourself. Lucy was selfless and risked everything in telling me so early but it has meant that our whole relationship has been based on truths and not lies and deceit. I find it very sad that you have a labelled yourselves in such a negative way by using the terminology 'trans widow'. I am divorced from my first husband but never considered myself a 'marriage widow'.

I cant help but notice that Lucy came out at the same time a close female family members was going through puberty and adolescence.
What makes you come to this conclusion? Lucy 'came out' to me long before our daughter was conceived and when my oldest daughter was 4, 16 years ago. No other female family members were going through puberty at the time however one of my sons was.... does that count? Her honesty to me was not based on family members as she didn't know them that well at the time. It was based wholly on OUR relationship (and I had been through puberty many, many years before!). She knew our relationship was serious and cared enough to tell me at the risk of losing me.

This is incredibly common among Agp males who misrepresent themselves as heteronormative and repeatedly enter 'beard' marriages due to their internalised homophobia and need to be seen as normal masculine males
Hmmm.... no idea what a 'beard' marriage is so well done google yet again....
Beard is a slang term describing a person who is used, knowingly or unknowingly, as a date, romantic partner (boyfriend or girlfriend), or spouse either to conceal infidelity or to conceal one's sexual orientation. The American slang term originally referred to anyone who acted on behalf of another, in any transaction, to conceal a person's true identity
Well, yet again if you had read my blog there was nothing 'beard' about our relationship or marriage (or even about Lucy as she has never had facial hair)! In fact we got married 9 years after meeting and 9 years after me knowing about Lucy so I am afraid yet again your assumption is very, very wrong. And just for the record, neither Lucy or any of our family are homophobic.

Its not a coincidence that so very many trans fathers come out during a daughters puberty as female puberty is heavily fetishised by such men - go see for yourself its all online if you know what to look for.
Well I am sure by now you realise that this does not apply to Lucy. I also really dislike your use of 'fetish'. You really and truly have no understanding of the make up of a trans person.


Well trans widow Penelope you will see I have taken the time out to reply to your biased comments. Had you bothered to read back on any of the very many posts I have written you would have seen that your assumptions about mine and Lucy's relationship and  our situation is completely different to your experience and I am certainly not the na├»ve and uninformed person that you believe me to be. It is sad that you are so bitter that you felt the need to comment and make statements based on your own relationship. Surely your internet research would tell you that no two trans relationships are the same and in some cases the differences are subtle and in some the differences are worlds apart. I am a member of plenty of forums and partner support groups and admin on a couple so see things in a very rounded context and am privy to lots of partners experiences and thoughts. I hear about the damage that is done to relationships but also hear of the success stories where couples have come through on the other side, with and without transition; ftm as well as mtf.

I know I am one of the lucky ones where I was told very early on in our relationship and I am eternally grateful to Lucy for this. Possibly if I had found out several years after being together and after having a family by which time everything has been built on lies I may have felt differently. To have the rug pulled out from under your feet and to find out the relationship you had invested in and built upon was based on a pack of lies must have been heart breaking and I get that. I do understand your pain but it is YOUR pain not mine.

I have known for 16 years so you can see this is not a new situation for me. In that time we have continued to be open and honest with each other and share so much. We go out and have fun together and take time for each other. We are closer than ever (which we never thought possible as we were always very close) and talk all the time. Lucy is my soulmate.

Can I advise that next time before you comment take the time to know the person you are commenting on. It is time for you to let go of your past and look forward to the future. The future is not written and anything is possible (see my answer to your question to me about the future). I hope you eventually find the peace you need.

Avril


Sunday, 19 March 2017

Wobble and more!!

This week Lucy had another wobble and had doubts if she is doing the right thing. These seem to come in cycles. This was caused by a post-op friend of ours saying how difficult and lonely life was for her. This started Lucy off.... The world these days is far more accepting than it used to be and together we can face anything. We have already faced so much and come through the other side stronger. Lots of people who post about unhappiness generally seem to be those without partners or family supporting them and yes, it must be bloody hard. I keep reminding Lucy that I am here for her, FOREVER. We also have friends already that are accepting as well as a whole load of really good community friends. This is our journey and not just hers. We can't go back now as I really believe it would kill both of us and I hate living in this twilight world full of secrets and not being able be truly be who we both are. The road ahead will be full of uncertainty and no doubt will be difficult at times but we are a team and will get through this together. Luckily due to the partner groups I am on I hear lots of stories about couples who have come out the other side and are still happy and not just the negative stories. We will be one of those happy couples and I am 100% certain she is doing the right thing. Why should she live the rest of her life as a complete compromise? She could have almost as many years as she has already lived living in the right body and living the right life. F**k everyone else!

Last week we had Pandora gate..... Lucy had wanted a Pandora bracelet for some time and every time she mentioned it I told her to wait until her birthday in September as I wanted to buy it. Recently my daughter got one for her 21st and one of my sons girlfriends got one for her 30th. Lucy is very impatient and just went out and bought one.... not just the bracelet but safety chain and some charms. She was so pleased with herself and I was so peed off. She thought I would be happy buying charms for the bracelet but I'm not. I wanted to buy her the bracelet itself. It was the only thing I knew she really wanted that I could have given that would have been a 'keeper' present that anyone could add charms to. Generally if she wants something she will buy it. She bought different 'wedding' and 'engagement' rings for when we go out. Although they were cheap, they are genuine jewellery and not costume jewellery. I had no input and she just came back with them hence the importance to me of the Pandora bracelet. We ended up having a massive row about it however she does now appreciate the significance. She said I could pay her for the bracelet but I didn't want to as that is not me going and choosing and buying it for her. She then volunteered to take it back but there was no point. It was already bought. I did say in anger that I would never buy any charms for her but no doubt I will. It still won't have the same significance to me as I won't be adding to something I chose and bought..... Now I have no idea of any sort of present to buy her!

This week I also lost the diamond out of my wedding/engagement ring. It was 2 rings that slotted together however I had them welded together as they kept twiddling round. As you can imagine I am gutted however I would be more gutted if I had lost the ring. We searched everywhere but couldn't find the diamond. Luckily it is insured, we have to pay a £100 excess, so it is now in the jewellers waiting for a quote along with a copy of the valuation which gives exact detail of the diamond.

While I was in the jewellery shop I spoke to them about 'his' wedding ring as that was also on the same valuation sheet. As you may recall, we are planning on getting 'married' again once all the surgery is done and want 'his' ring made into 2 separate rings, one for Lucy and one for me. If we take the same ring and just cut it in half (it is a big ring) then it was be approx. £200 per ring and if we have it melted down and 2 completely new rings then will be a bit more. At least we now have a rough idea of the cost.

In the middle of Pandora gate (which happened on a day we were planning on going to Pinks) Lucy got a call from the GIC cancelling her 2nd appointment in September. They didn't say why but she had to ring back. As you can imagine we were gutted however they offered her a replacement appointment in November or July. Well she jumped at the July appointment so it turns out to be beneficial as it is now sooner. We have booked a hotel nearby but not the same one as last time.

Last Friday we went to Pinks. It was a BNO however there were not as many as the regulars there as usual however we did get to see one girl we hadn't seen for ages (in fact we were talking about her in the car on the drive there and about how long it had been since we last saw her) and a lovely friend who we have not seen for at least 6 months since she had her op. As usual we ended up making some new friends too. When we posted some of the pics on Facebook (as usual) one of our friends commented on how Lucy's face was changing due to the hormones. We hadn't noticed, but this was someone who hasn't seen her or any pics for a while so it was reassuring that there are other changes other than the obvious ones. Her hair is also getting longer but still at the annoying in between stage. Quite a few people are commenting on it now and apart from a drunken neighbour who just wouldn't stop going on about it and how 'he' should cut it, the general consensus is that it makes 'him' look younger. 

Today Lucy ran the Hampton Court Palace half marathon. It was an early start for a Sunday and she had been out in the taxi last night so only had a few hours sleep. She hadn't trained and was relying on the football refereeing she does. Cardio was not an issue but she really felt it in her legs. I was able to get to a couple of points along the route to cheer her along and she finished in less than 3 hours. The medal is lovely and I'm am so proud of her. She is running the Brighton marathon in 3 weeks time but she will have to do some more training for that! I will be there supporting her all the way.





Thursday, 9 March 2017

My tattoo and other stuff

At last!!! I have had my tattoo done.

I love it so much. The only downside is that I can't really see it that well but I know everyone else can  which is good. I wear a lot of vest tops in the summer and it sits right inside the straps perfectly. A thigh tattoo is next for me. The lady tattooist is designing something but I also have an artist friend who lives in Thailand and he has volunteered to draw something too. Hopefully I will have some choice.

Lucy has also had her thigh tattoo done. I think it is absolutely beautiful and she is chuffed to bits with it!

She is now planning extending the peony pattern on her arm to her shoulder and wants one on her foot. I'm not keen on her having too many more as I think that will be enough but it is up to her.

This week we knew for sure that the GP had properly changed Lucy's record..... she got a letter from the local health authority inviting her in for a cervical smear test! We did have a little smile.

She is still buying lots of make up and all lovely expensive stuff. Seems her and my daughter have similar tastes. She does spend quite a bit but needs to learn more how to apply it herself. The last couple of times I have ended up having to applying her eyeshadow and sort out her eyebrows for her. It is not she can't do it, I just think she is taking the easy option because I'm not there when she could do it herself. She also needs to practice more at home and take the opportunity of both our daughters being around to advise which she can do more now that she has her new job.

Lucy is still growing her hair but it is slow progress which I knows she finds frustrating.  It is at a real in between stage which is always awkward. It is quite long but still going out more than down. For work she is wearing a baseball cap to try to hide it a bit. Considering she is not full time at the moment I am surprised that no one has commented on her hair as 'he' has never had hair this long in the 16 years I have known her. Hopefully the longer it gets the extra weight will start to pull it down more. I think she is expecting her natural hair to look like some of the wigs she has but I doubt it every will, though when it is long enough she can consider having extensions. She also has hair growing in her small patch that was thinning which means the Finasteride must be working. At the moment it is fine baby-like hair but hopefully in time it will thicken up.

Facially I don't think there have been any noticeable changes but I swear her bum is getting bigger. She says that she doesn't sweat as much these days not that she was a very sweaty person anyway. All good signs that the patches are working.

Little steps......