Trans widow - Q & A

If you follow my blog then you will probably know about Lucy and I and the journey we are on. I know that putting a blog into the public domain means it is available to one and all. I have seen other bloggers suffer real transphobic abuse from people who comment (some from within the trans community) and I suppose that in the 18 months I have been blogging I have been lucky..... well until the day after my last blog post was featured on T-Central.

A CIS woman calling herself a trans widow decided to comment on my blog and it was totally obvious from her comments that she had only read the recent post and had not read any of my previous posts and really knew nothing about Lucy and our situation. Everyone has a different journey and a different outcome and it is very sad that 'Penelope' has not moved on with her life and felt it appropriate to post the vitriolic comments on my blog. Life goes on and just because her relationship failed it doesn't mean they all do or that ours will.

I did make a couple of comments back to her and even Lucy who is usually very quiet decided to comment but I was not prepared to rise to the bait of a bitter woman who thinks everyone's experience must be the same as hers. I don't have to answer to anyone let alone a bitter stranger but thought I would answer her questions here:

Hasn't anyone told you about autogynephilia?

What on earth is that? I hate people who use words that are not commonly used. I had to google it "Autogynephilia is the "mental illness" described by the theory that transgender women who aren't exclusively attracted to men actually have a sexual fetish for viewing themselves as female. This covers lesbian, bisexual, and pansexual trans women. So my answer is no, I have not heard about it but fail to see the relevance to Lucy and our situation. This seems like a completely unproven theory and why does this relate to only to women and not gay or bisexual men too?

Are you seriously prepared to do this to your family and yourself for the sake of a narcissistic fetishist who is having a love affair with himself

Who is a narcissistic fetishist? What makes you believe this? Certainly not Lucy? And SHE doe not have a love affair with herself... far from it actually. Get your pronouns right!

What about your life and your own needs?

My life and my needs are perfectly fine thank you. Should you read my blog in it's entirety then you would know that my life and needs are sorted and not compromised.

What about your own identity and sexuality or that of your children?

My sexual identity is also fine thank you very much and I don't have to explain or justify this to anyone else especially someone this bitter and who I don't know.  I am very comfortable with it. Our children are fine too - thank you for asking.

Do you honestly think this is psychologically harmless to a child of any sex to watch their father being enabled by you to bereave and rob them of a parent figure?

Yes I do actually in the right circumstances and handled in a careful way. We are an extremely close and loving family. Lets face it, kids are very resilient.

Their only choice to go along with the lies and untruths of their own biology and origins?

What on earth is this all about? I presume you are talking about the kids. Their own biology and origins are not affected and don't ever change. When we talk about kids, they range in age from 31 to 14 so many are not children and most are adults.

Are you really going to demand other people suspend their disbelief and cater EVERMORE to this persons demands?

Who is demanding anything? Certainly not Lucy or I. Just because YOUR partner was demanding it doesn't mean that MY Lucy or myself are the same. People are different and have different personalities or hadn't you noticed? Don't get me wrong, we have both met trans people who put their welfare over and above everyone else but not Lucy.... the opposite in fact!

Do you know what the future holds?

No. Do you? Does anyone know what the future holds? It is the future and all to play for and the path can change on the spin of a coin. A ridiculous question as I am not a clairvoyant (even though I played a clairvoyant at the murder mystery dinner party so I can see the misunderstanding.... well actually not as you didn't read any other of my posts so you wouldn't have known!).

How do you imagine he might repay your love and devotion?

Who is this 'he' you speak of? Just because your love and devotion was betrayed it does not mean it is the same for everyone. I don't expect anyone to repay anything.... for me that is not what a relationship is about and this relates to any relationship whether it be my partner, family or friends. My actions are not taken with any ulterior motive. All you need to know is that we are both totally in love and devoted to each other.

How far is Lucy planning to go with this transition? All the way, part of the way?

If you had bothered to read any of my other posts you would know that Lucy is going for full transition with my full support. Not sure what your point is and the relevance?

How does that impact your identity?

It doesn't and why would it?

Are you not afraid Lucy might fully transition and start to prefer other men or worse, lie to you? it happens a lot.

No, this does not worry me. She has never lied to me and was very honest from very early in our relationship. We are open and honest and talk all the time and this is why is works for us. Lies may happen a lot (according to you) however it does not apply to us and I also know of many relationships where there are no lies. Lies can happen whether or not your partner is trans..... it is not exclusive to those relationships.

What care toward you has he shown so far now you have encouraged his transition?

SHE shows me lots of care in many, many ways and we have a very loving relationship. Had you bothered to read any of my other posts you would know this.

Is he happier or has he become more anxious and more difficult? could guilt be playing a part? why is that do you think? 

SHE is much happier, I am much happier and our family unit who live at home are very happy..... where does guilt come to play in this question?

Do you have to walk on eggshells round lucy?

Ha ha no of course not and never have! Why would you think this? Ah yes, you are trying to transfer your negative experience to our relationship. Have you gathered yet that there is no similarity?? (p.s. Lucy is spelt with a capital L).

Do you always have to do what Lucy wants or do you sometimes get it your way too?

Now you are getting to know me a little better what do you think? What are you referring to in what context? We are in a relationship and there is give and take on both sides..... that's what a relationship is about!

Could you live like this forever where 'its all about my lucy'?

Don't take the name of my blog literally and fit it to your negativity. It is MY title that I chose for my blog. It is a blog about Lucy's transition and our life together and if you read the posts they are not all about Lucy - there is a lot about me and other things. Our life is not 'all about Lucy'. I could quite and easily have named it 'It's all about Lucy and Avril'. Get real!

You are erased as a human to be perceived as handmaiden to patriarchal, binary notions of gender?

OMG.... what is this all about? I had to laugh when I read this. What on earth are you getting at? I'm no handmaiden to anything however you are a handmaiden to bitterness and anger (and it is time for you to move on with your life as it seems to be eating you away).

Have you not seen the private forums, chats and porn sites? dont they set your alarm bells ringing just a little bit?   

I'm thinking you obviously had a bad time with your partner. There are no alarm bells as there is nothing to worry about. Read previous comments about us being open and honest and talk all the time. There are no hidden secrets.

Was he always a cross dresser?

SHE has never been a CD. She has always been trans.

Was he a GNC child and adult?

No SHE was not GNC ever. She wore her mask well though. The details are none of your business however she has been trans since her earliest memories.

Myself and other 'trans widows' know that this does not come out of the blue. it takes a lot of lies and betrayals, a lot of gaslighting and violation and subtle forms of abuse for a man to get this far with transition while still 'happily' married and with family still in thrall to his narcissistic selfishness.

Hmmm.... again you are transferring YOUR negative experience and it doesn't fit our relationship. Our situation is not 'out of the blue'. I knew about Lucy within a couple of months into our relationship and I am externally grateful. I had the get out clause but wasn't interested in it. There have been no lies, betrayals or anything else you mention in OUR relationship. I have always known unlike yourself. Lucy was selfless and risked everything in telling me so early but it has meant that our whole relationship has been based on truths and not lies and deceit. I find it very sad that you have a labelled yourselves in such a negative way by using the terminology 'trans widow'. I am divorced from my first husband but never considered myself a 'marriage widow'.

I cant help but notice that Lucy came out at the same time a close female family members was going through puberty and adolescence.

What makes you come to this conclusion? Lucy 'came out' to me long before our daughter was conceived and when my oldest daughter was 4, 16 years ago. No other female family members were going through puberty at the time however one of my sons was.... does that count? Her honesty to me was not based on family members as she didn't know them that well at the time. It was based wholly on OUR relationship (and I had been through puberty many, many years before!). She knew our relationship was serious and cared enough to tell me at the risk of losing me.

This is incredibly common among Agp males who misrepresent themselves as heteronormative and repeatedly enter 'beard' marriages due to their internalised homophobia and need to be seen as normal masculine males

Hmmm.... no idea what a 'beard' marriage is so well done google yet again....

Beard is a slang term describing a person who is used, knowingly or unknowingly, as a date, romantic partner (boyfriend or girlfriend), or spouse either to conceal infidelity or to conceal one's sexual orientation. The American slang term originally referred to anyone who acted on behalf of another, in any transaction, to conceal a person's true identity

Well, yet again if you had read my blog there was nothing 'beard' about our relationship or marriage (or even about Lucy as she has never had facial hair)! In fact we got married 9 years after meeting and 9 years after me knowing about Lucy so I am afraid yet again your assumption is very, very wrong. And just for the record, neither Lucy or any of our family are homophobic.

Its not a coincidence that so very many trans fathers come out during a daughters puberty as female puberty is heavily fetishised by such men - go see for yourself its all online if you know what to look for.

Well I am sure by now you realise that this does not apply to Lucy. I also really dislike your use of 'fetish'. You really and truly have no understanding of the make up of a trans person.

Well trans widow Penelope you will see I have taken the time out to reply to your biased comments. Had you bothered to read back on any of the very many posts I have written you would have seen that your assumptions about mine and Lucy's relationship and  our situation is completely different to your experience and I am certainly not the naïve and uninformed person that you believe me to be. It is sad that you are so bitter that you felt the need to comment and make statements based on your own relationship. Surely your internet research would tell you that no two trans relationships are the same and in some cases the differences are subtle and in some the differences are worlds apart. I am a member of plenty of forums and partner support groups and admin on a couple so see things in a very rounded context and am privy to lots of partners experiences and thoughts. I hear about the damage that is done to relationships but also hear of the success stories where couples have come through on the other side, with and without transition; ftm as well as mtf.

I know I am one of the lucky ones where I was told very early on in our relationship and I am eternally grateful to Lucy for this. Possibly if I had found out several years after being together and after having a family by which time everything has been built on lies I may have felt differently. To have the rug pulled out from under your feet and to find out the relationship you had invested in and built upon was based on a pack of lies must have been heart breaking and I get that. I do understand your pain but it is YOUR pain not mine.

I have known for 16 years so you can see this is not a new situation for me. In that time we have continued to be open and honest with each other and share so much. We go out and have fun together and take time for each other. We are closer than ever (which we never thought possible as we were always very close) and talk all the time. Lucy is my soulmate.

Can I advise that next time before you comment take the time to know the person you are commenting on. It is time for you to let go of your past and look forward to the future. The future is not written and anything is possible (see my answer to your question to me about the future). I hope you eventually find the peace you need.

Avril