For many years it seemed like Abby was being denied by him. There were traces of her all the time but nothing like we had had before. If I ever asked anything I was dismissed although I knew damn well she was still there. The signs were obvious!
Unexpectedly he started to lose the weight he had gained. A stone at a time and in less than 6 months he had lost 5 1/2 stone. Totally amazing! With this weight loss Abby seemed to be returning little by little. I just knew it would not be long before she emerged completely again but as is typical with us, not without a little drama!
We went to a family birthday party in Milton Keynes. Very simple and a great night. However this meant that we were staying in a hotel. After the event had finished we were only a few minutes in a cab ride from Pink Punters. A little worse for wear we bundled in a taxi, me, him and my oldest daughter. I knew this was going to be trouble.
We had not been there for 8 years. The whole place had totally changed and was totally packed with all sorts of people even though it was still LGBT. I knew it would be bitter sweet going there but also dangerous. We stayed for about an hour. We had never been there as me and him before and it was an unusual experience and didn't feel right.
When we got back to our hotel room the discussion turned to Abby and the way he was feeling. He opened up to me in a way he had never done for many years but also hinted there were things I didn't know about. More childhood stories were shared, like wearing the boys uniform when he wanted to wear the girls, organising his mates to dress up as girls to gatecrash a girls party....... and that he immersed himself into football as that was his total escape from everything but gave the male image that everyone wanted. He also said that Abby was gone..... we now had Lucy.
Abby had always been a name chosen in haste however he had always identified with the name Lucy so Lucy it was. Apparently Lucy had been here a while in secret (I knew something had been going on), she had a different wardrobe and style to Abby. The age of internet shopping and in particular Amazon had made life so much easier for purchasing clothes and other bits.
Apparently Lucy is brunette and has a different way of dressing to Abby. He had never stopped with the shaving, underwear, toe nail varnish etc even when he was bigger.
Since he lost the weight he had been shopping crazy and the day after the family party he showed me a couple of bits. Lucy had been dressing all the time when we (the family) are not around and Lucy who is a taxi driver sometimes drives the taxi at night dressed but no makeup, wig etc. He said he loves me so very much and loves the life we have but is also so not happy as he would just love to be a woman and yearns for this.
I knew from this point things were about to change. I was concerned that there seemed to be secrets that had not been confided and I turned to a friend, a wife of a trans friend. Not for advice but just to listen to how I was feeling. This friend was very supportive and understood how I felt. It felt good to confide in someone. I was worried about not being enough for him. He confided for the first time that he wanted to transition but won't because of me and the kids and the whole thing would change our life. He said I didn't understand what he was going through but it was difficult to support him when I don't know the truth. I was gutted that we had to have to have a night away for him to open up to me. Up until this point I thought we had been very open with each other.