More friends

As much as we are planning a schedule of who and when we are going to tell, there are always those friends that out the blue you consider telling out of sequence.

One of these is a girl I work with. She is lovely and we have known her about 3 years.... well I have, as I work with her, however she has been on holiday with him and me a couple of years ago and it was a riot! Only 3 years ago did she come out openly as gay herself and in that time she met someone and has settled down and got married.

She is another open minded, non judgemental person and would be a great ally when the news about Lucy hits work (which inevitably it is going to) and she can help bat away some of the unwelcome comments.  We have a couple of very religious people in our team so I have no doubt they will be making comments behind my back. Not that I care, but it is still not nice to know they are doing it.

Anyway..... she was one person we had both agreed would be told in advance of Lucy going public. Well, Lucy made the mistake of mentioning to me that she had been toying with the idea of telling this friend sooner rather than later. I thought that this would be a great idea but as soon as I was on board Lucy started getting cold feet about it all.

It is Lucy's decision who and when we tell people however she had got me thinking and I was considering the advantages of this person knowing earlier than we had planned and nudged Lucy. She kept procrastinating about telling her and was full of indecision.

Tuesday night my team at work went out for a social evening at a bowling alley. This seemed an ideal time to confide in this friend and it was a neutral, relaxed environment. Although by this time Lucy had agreed to let me tell this friend, she was still incredibly nervous.

Anyhow.... so I spilled the beans and gave some background about Lucy. As expected there was some initial surprise and she asked about how happy Lucy was with the situation and the decisions about the future. Once she understood Lucy's happiness she was incredibly happy and supportive and had a big grin on her face. I showed her a picture of Lucy and she made the comment that she is not into older women (Lucy is 10 years older) however if she was, that she would!! Of course I relayed all this information to Lucy and naturally it made her very relaxed and happy. It was this friend that I had discussed boob sizes with so she was now able to understand the reason for me asking!

Our friend asked for Lucy's phone number and for the next few hours they were exchanging a flurry of texts between them both and we are hoping that this friend and her wife will be able to join us on one of our nights out. Certainly by this time all of Lucy's fears were allayed.

This friend was so positive it was great. She made no bones about the fact she will have my back covered at work which is great. Although it is not me personally that is transitioning people will still have plenty to say to my face and behind my back. 

What was also so very lovely is that this friend seemed to think I was totally amazing!! Me??? I don't feel like I am an amazing person but she explained that even with her knowing the total love I have for the person that is Lucy (I don't hold back in telling people how much I love him/Lucy) that I am so positive and supportive to Lucy in a situation that some wives would have left or have been unable to cope. I still don't think I am amazing however I cannot contemplate life without Lucy..... I would have no life if I was not sharing it with her. Emotional and gushy it may be, however it is the truth. I also don't feel that I am compromising my life in any way whatsoever by supporting Lucy's transition. In fact I sometimes feel so sad for Lucy that it has taken this long for her life to change to what it should be however I am grateful that we were able to have a daughter together before the decision was made. I think I may have mentioned before that Sam Smiths song Writings on the Wall (https://youtu.be/8jzDnsjYv9A) is one that Lucy identifies with at this point in her life but when I hear the line "when you're not here I'm suffocating" brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it.

Later when chatting with Lucy about the evening she mentioned that it is amusing that it is my friends that we seem to be gradually telling and as yet none of her friends have been told, nor would we even consider telling any of them at the moment. When you think about it, it is probably more logical as the people we are telling are those that we think will be the most accepting and understanding and therefore laying good foundations for the day when Lucy goes public.

Monday musings

Lucy has and will change our lives together completely and utterly. It is funny how we both keeping checking with each other how much we love each other. Lucy is worried for me about not having a man around any more and everything that comes with being intimate and I worry that the hormones may change the type of person she fancies and that I may not been enough for her.

As a he and she couple we have always been incredibly close and from the moment we first saw each other we knew we would be together. This closeness has stayed with us over all the years and if anything we are closer than we have ever been which I never thought would be possible and despite all the changes things are still very electric between us.

We are formulating a plan of all the things that we need to get done ourselves that the NHS won't pay for like some of the laser hair removal. This looks like it will be quite expensive so we need to save and make cuts elsewhere so it can be done. 

Lucy also has some not so nice tattoos which we have discussed. We think having them laser removed is not the best option so are considering getting them overlaid with something much nicer, more girlie and more in keeping with Lucy. Unfortunately these were one of the things she did trying to make herself more macho in her later teenage years and have turned out to be something she has always regretted. For the time being for going out and about she wears long sleeves or a wrap which covers them. At home she is not so conscious of them as it is only us that can see them.

Today I am working from home and love seeing Lucy wandering around in her big pink fluffy dressing gown and white furry boot slippers. She just looks so chilled and relaxed. She had her eyebrows tinted again the other day. Think we need to do something serious with them though as even with us trimming, waxing and plucking them they are still quite coarse.

First friends told

As you have probably noticed some of the earlier posts on this blog have been to update on historical events leading to where we are today. Some key moments involve a handful of close friends of mine, one a childhood lifelong friend and another who I have known for very many years and my oldest daughters best friend. All of these I trust implicitly.

I'm not sure and cannot really remember the exact reason for telling my two friends. I know that I was so proud of 'him' for confiding and sharing with me his biggest secret. I did feel a need to tell people that knew me and him well to give support. They both have known about Lucy for at least 8 years.

I would not describe my oldest friend as being worldy wise, she has not been in a relationship for many years and does not have children so in many ways we are worlds apart however I did confide in her several years after I knew. She was very curious and although she said she understood the situation I really don't think she ever understood the seriousness until only last week. In the past she had been out with us partying a couple of times, to Pink Punters and to Transmission. Actually at Pink Punters she shocked me and Lucy as she ended up snogging a trans woman which was totally unexpected from this particular friend. Although recently we (Lucy and I) have updated her on the situation, as I had not mentioned anything for a few years she thought 'it had gone away'. It was this comment that made me realise she had no understanding of what it meant to be transgendered or how Lucy had been feeling despite previous conversations. At the moment she is still surprised that Lucy wants to transition fully and is taking time to comprehend it all.

My other friend in many ways is very similar to me in the way she thinks and her outlook on the world. She has never tried to pigeon hole anything and has always asked lots of questions about Lucy but also about me. It was lovely having someone just checking I was ok (which I was and am) and considering the impact all this could have on me. She is also the only person (other and my gorgeous Lucy of course) with whom I can truly be myself and can talk about things very intimate without being embarrassed or feeling I am being judged or someone just not understanding where I am coming from. Although she does not live locally I recently sent her a one line message which ended up in an hour or so telephone conversation. She has always totally understood Lucy, the way she feels but understands my feelings too. She is just brilliant and supportive and I know she will be there for us both on this journey.

My eldest daughter also has a best friend who she has known since she was 4 years old. After finding out about Lucy she wanted to share with this friend as she knew she would be supportive to both Lucy and myself and could be another person to be there for Lucy (also she is a bit of a party person too would be another person to come out and about with us). Although I was happy with this lovely young lady knowing as I had known her for 15 years, it took a bit longer for Lucy. This was a huge secret that was being put on a 19 year olds shoulders and if it came out before we were ready and prepared it could ruin certain relationships. Anyway eventually Lucy agreed and she was allowed to be told. Since then this friend has added Lucy on Facebook and Snapchat and Lucy feels much more comfortable about her knowing.

Last week when we were arranging for Lucy's name change via deed poll we decided we would host a girls night where my daughters friend and my oldest friend could come over and meet Lucy and also sign the documents for us. It was a fab night as we all dressed up, slapped on the make up and then ate and drunk loads. My son came home from work and was amused to see us all and dived in and ate some of the food. He is very accepting of Lucy which is great. A good fun night that ended up with some Just Dance sessions and I went to work the next day knackered but happy only having had 3 hours sleep.

Lucy and I had already booked a night out in December to go back to Pink Punters and now my daughter and her friend and my childhood friend have also booked hotel rooms to come too. With this date booked it just makes Lucy all the more eager to get back out partying.

We are also looking to get out again to Pink Punters for Valentines weekend in 2016 and have just booked the hotel room for 2 nights which will be great fun. We also have already booked a room for 3 nights to attend Sparkle in Manchester in July 2016 http://www.sparkle.org.uk. It is so exciting having these dates planned. The Sparkle long weekend in particular will be fantastic as Lucy will be able to be dressed all day and all evening and we can go out and about in the day together which we have not been confident enough to do before now.

1st GP visit

Well today we had the first ever visit to the GP. Such a big step for Lucy to take but one small step towards transition and the long road ahead.

We sat there together with nervous anticipation. Lucy was wearing very generic girls clothes and nothing male. Although the system said there was no delay that we were sat waiting for 45 mins before we got seen. The waiting room was uncomfortably warm which really didn't help but we sat there holding hands. No-one paid any attention to us and Lucy commented that in 5 years time if we sat there in the same way that people would notice us...... I said I didn't care.

The first thing that the GP said as we walked in the room was how nice Lucy's coat was. We both threw amused looks at each other as it is a girls parker jacket with a faux fur edged hood. It made us both smile a little. 

When we sat down it seemed to be that the GP wanted to discuss other issues before we managed to get him round to the reason for our visit. I was sitting across the room from Lucy which was the only place there was a second chair and wished I had moved next to her to support her as she started to tell her story to the GP. She told of all her feelings since a child, the unhappiness with her birth body and the double life she continues to lead. Lucy also told of the official name change (we need to change her name at the surgery but it was so late we decided to go back and do this at a later date). He listened to what she had to say and asked her questions about how she felt and why she considered herself to be transgendered which obviously she was able to answer in a lot of detail going back very many years. Lucy told of the support of her 2 step children as well as support from a couple of our close friends. The GP directed a few questions to me which was great as he was making me involved in the discussion and he was able to gather how supportive I am to Lucy, her decision and the path ahead of us. He seemed to be a little surprised that we had got married with me knowing all about Lucy. He did not rush us bearing in mind our appointment was so late and he spent the time getting to fully understand the situation.

He did seem a little unsure of the process but luckily Lucy has kept up to date with all the current referral procedures and processes and she had the GP googling Charing Cross GIC which is where she wants to be referred to. After some discussion about NHS processes he agreed he would refer Lucy there. There was a little light hearted banter about hair loss treatments which was amusing as he was completely bald on top! As we went to leave Lucy commented that this situation may have been a first for the GP but he answered that it wasn't. Not bad for a very small town I suppose.

We walked out the surgery relieved that it had all gone so well discussing what had been said and the merits of me being there. I commented that I was a little disppointed that we didn't get to show a couple of our hundreds of photos which Lucy found most amusing!

This is it. This is real. We have been to a healthcare professional who knew 'him' but was very accepting of Lucy and the situation. Now the long wait for the first GIC appointment which will be torturous. I'm sure we will fill in the time making plenty of preparations.

Hair and beauty

Well a couple of days ago the online banking showed it had been changed from his to Lucy's name. We celebrated. First major thing to be changed and Lucy was very happy.

It is so funny the conversations we have now. To be DD or not.... Having to delicately speak to girlfriends to work out what DD cup size looks like and pros and cons. Luckily the one friend I spoke to was actually this cup size and the conversation was hilarious as she did not know why I was asking and Lucy was at home cracking up with the messages I was sending. Up until now this has not been a subject that I have researched before and Lucy had definitely not considered the use of sports bras or sleeping with boobs this big.

Then there is the laser hair removal conversations...... is it worth it, areas to have done, the pain etc and then Lucy announced she would have to have 'the man bit' lasered as you can't have hair on the bit that is going to form the inside of her new 'lady garden'. For the next couple of hours we kept looking at each other and pulling light hearted pained faces at each other. It is good that we still have our sense of humour!

From the hair that she wants rid of to the hair she wants to keep..... she is now starting to grow her own hair however she has a couple of thinning patches. Not that bad but still thinning none the less. So until she has a professional consultation and treatment we now have have hair thickening shampoo and a bottle of Regaine and applications being religiously adhered to. More stuff that costs a fortune.

And there is her beauty regime. She totally puts me to shame. Every day for years she has slavered body moisturiser everywhere after bathing or showering. The every other day complete body shaving and the shares that we need to buy in Wilkinson Sword for the amount of Intiution blades she buys. I did contact Wilkinson Sword to see if we could buy these in bulk somewhere but despite explaining our situation they could offer no solution! Thanks for your help - not!

Every bath is either full of bubbles or she has a bath bomb and she is in there for at least an hour. We have had a nightmare with these blinking bath bombs. I didn't realise how completely rubbish they could be.  Lucy loves her Snapchat so there are many a disappointed chat where the bath bomb has sunk to the bottom of the bath with no fizz. It has been a matter of great disappointment for her.... she has tried them from all sorts of different shops but still the lack of fizz. As far as I am am concerned there is only one place to get decent bath stuff (at a price of course) and luckily there is a shop at the station I go via to work so I popped into the wonderful Lush store at London Victoria and picked out a few bath bombs as my pressie to her. The ensuing snapchats were full of elation from Lucy as these didn't just fizz.... they FIZZED!!

For many years she chewed her finger nails off when they got too long and was never bothered about how they looked and pretty much the same with her toenails too. Now she has lovely, strong and manicured nails looked after by her own private manicurist, me! I am not envious at all by how strong her nails are! She also has gorgeous toenails again serviced by her private manicurist. These have lovely gem patterns on them and she is thrilled with them. This week I spent about an hour filing and polishing all her nails for her. My daughters and I love nail varnishes and have a collection of at least 100 of different shades and colours so there is plenty of choice. I have a lovely lady who comes to our house to do nails (fingers and toes) every 4 weeks for myself and a group of friends.  She has been coming over for years and every time Lucy is jealous that she can't have hers done as she is not 'out' to our youngest daughter. She stares whistfully over while we are all having lovely varnish and painted patterns and gems put on our nails. This will obviously all change once our daughter knows and Lucy will be first in line for a proper manicure and pedicure and have some of the gorgeous patterns this lady does on nails.

Luckily my older daughter did a beauty course a year or so ago and now is into beauty as a hobby (although she is now considering a career in this again) so today Lucy had her eyebrows, tinted, waxed and plucked. All looking lovely and neat again. When we are next out in London we will probably get them done and threaded too.

She now has the most amazing makeup collection and I have spent more on getting the proper bits for her than I do on myself. Much of what she has I also have and she is looking forward to the day when she doesn't have to wear such thick foundation. Currently it is the Kryolan TV stick but we have also been looking at MAC Full Coverage foundation but this requires a visit to the shop in Covent Garden to get a colour match done properly. Another job to do when we are next in London - will have to do some saving as none of this stuff comes cheap!

Tomorrow is D day. First appointment with the GP and I'm leaving work early so I can go with Lucy. She is very excited about this but I am more cautious as I really hope that our GP is sympathetic and understands our situation.

Relationships and more

The name change deed poll is all done and dusted. Lucy went into the bank to change the name on his bank account to hers but unfortunately the bank teller wanted to do it at the counter (in front of the queue of people). Obviously Lucy was not comfortable about this and doubted the male teller would be able to hide the shocked look on his face. So now the deed poll and form are in the post to the bank. All the loyalty cards are starting to come in with Lucy's name on them and she is so excited.

Although I have done lots of my own research about the transition process and the impact, I had not done much on relationships as I truely do not doubt our relationship. I was shocked to see that the majority of marriages do fail during or after transition and that the attitude I have towards Lucy and this change is highly unusual but is every trans dream. I truely love the person inside and I have been with this person so long now so how could I not be supportive but also how could I not have this person in my life??? I am not naive enough to not realise that the way ahead will be rocky and a rollercoaster ride but we will do this together.

Already my mind is in overdrive playing conversations I will have with people, what order to tell people and who to tell and who not to. The trouble is that news like this is considered good gossip so even if people are not told they will envitably find out one way or another. I also DO NOT want people to feel sorry for me..... I knew about this in the early days of our relationship and knew that transition was going to be a high probabilty.... not if, but when. Only this week I was contacted by a wife of trans partner as she had heard from another trans friend what Lucy was preparing to do. Although I appreciated her contacting me we both couldn't but think that it only came about as our 'friends' had been gossiping about us already and this is only with a handful of people knowing and people that are from the trans community themselves.

It is funny how you realise that he has been going away slowly for a very long time. He wore a suit tonight which he rarely wears however he was off to football and he looked fantastic which made me a little sad that this was probably one of the last few times I would see him like this. However Lucy was also very sad to be dressed like this and looked very uncomfortable which also made me sad.

I still cannot understand why some people have not appeared to notice anything different or maybe they have but just have not noticed. Long finger nails, plucked eye lashes, completely shaved forearms and longer hair. 

And then it is the funny conversations you have. Tonight it was fake boobs or not...... I never had an opinion really but he was always anti however think this is something that Lucy is considering.

We are closer than we have ever been. I am feeling totally consumed with love for this person and although we have been together nearly 15 years, I yearn for her all the time and my heart just swells whenever I think about her. She seems so much more settled now the transition decision has been made and we are now on the count down to D day - the first appointment with the GP which is now only a few days away. I just hope that the GP is supportive and understanding. Watch this space!

What's next???

Well Lucy has changed his wardrobe to suit herself. Every day she wears male attire but underneath has another completely femme outfit. Her everyday coat for him is a female parka jacket with a furry hood, his bag is a large female handbag, he wears female rings, has a pale colour varnish on his finger nails and his eyebrows are all plucked and tinted. Still there have been no comments from anyone.

The last few weeks have been filled with uncertainty. She has decided that he wants to transition. Well she did for a few days and then didn't and now she does again.

This is serious stuff! Lucy has researched absolutely everything in great depth. Her biggest concern is the effect her transitioning will have on everyone else. We have several kids between us from previous relationships the youngest being 19 and we have a 13 year old daughter. I also come from a very large and close family and Lucy is worried about everyone. I have told her that if my family is the close family they appear to be, what she does with her life will not impact them and they should be supportive - if they are not, then they are not the family they claim to be. I am pretty confident all my children will be fine. I'm sure there will be some laughter and lots of questions - thing is that he is very macho and male so it will be a complete surprise to them all. At the end of the day our situation may embarrass our family and friends but actually won't directly affect any of them and the way they live their lives. Directly it will affect him, me and our 13 year old daughter who happens to be very worldly wise and very accepting of anything LGBT and is always posting things on Facebook to this effect (no she does not know).

He is also very well known in football and is a well respected referee. There is very little about trans in this community but we see this also an an opportunity for Lucy to give a voice to trans in football. Lucy is emailing the FA to see what their perspective on the situation. I see this as a fantastic opportunity for Lucy.

Lucy desperately needs to transition to be the complete person she is mean to be. I will love her and be by her side all the way through this journey. The frustration of her body is increasing every day. She seems to have so much sadness inside. She identifies with the Sam Smith song - The Writings on the Wall and every word has meaning for her. It makes me so sad that she is hurting so much however she tells me that she is also the happiest she has ever been in her life.

I will continue to love and support her through every step of the way. At the end we are going to have a blessing to reaffirm our marriage. Something nice to look forward after everything. At the beginning of our relationship we went through so much (nothing trans related) and we still came out strong and smiling so I have no doubt that we can face this together. Together we are a force to be reckoned with.

The first doctors appointment is now booked and she has asked that I come with her which of course I am more than happy to do and will attend any appointments she wants me to. There is a minimum of a year waiting list for an appointment at Charing Cross Hospital which gives us time to get things in order before we have to tell people which we will do when the time is right for us.

The next thing top of the list and imminent is a name change. Luckily one of the few people that knows about Lucy (but doesn't not really understand the reality and enormity of the situation) is a childhood friend of mine but also a home owner so we can ask her to sign the paperwork. Lucy is very excited about the formal name change.

Lucy is also now going to start growing her natural hair so she does not have to be reliant on a wig. This will be interesting as he has had a grade 1 cut for years but also naturally has very curly hair.