After numerous false starts over the past 3 years and 17 years of living a double secret life the time is coming when everything becomes one. It is an exciting and nervewracking time. It seems that unlike many other trans people Lucy has been slow approaching this goal. I speak to many partners who have been running along after their loved one trying to catch up with them as they are like a horse who has bolted; once the partner has been told they want to declare it all to world and are on full speed ahead leaving the partner stunned in the wake. It has not been like that for Lucy. She has considered every single option from every single angle and from my perspective it has been like dragging a reluctant horse out of the stable!
There have been various times we had planned to tell
everyone but there has always been a reason not to, the latest being a very
good reason with all her heart issues (I will let her off this one). Each time
a plan is made I silently psych myself up, plan the conversations in my mind
and then it all stops. Emotionally I don’t think I can do this anymore. I
cannot keep living this twilight world, keeping secrets from people, not being
honest about what we are doing, trying to remember which pronoun and name to
use around different people. This has to be the final time, the real time, it is time
to be us, the real Avril and Lucy.
She has lived full time as Lucy for over 2 years, it’s just people
don’t realise she is there as they are not seeing her as she is not shoving it in their faces. She changed her name
nearly 3 years ago, bank accounts, passport, etc were changed a long time ago
and her driving licence has come back leaving the taxi badge etc to be changed.
She changed the name on her car insurance and the agent was fab, used the correct
name from the beginning and even wrote off the usual admin fee charged to
change details.
We have a clutch of people around us that do know and of
course my kids and our daughter have been fab. A few of my work colleagues know
about Lucy and have been amazing. One colleague always wants to have a chat
with Lucy if she knows she is on the phone. We have a new guy starting at work
in 2 weeks and I have spoken to my manager as I want this new person only to
know Avril and Lucy. There is not much point in giving the deadname as ‘go
live’ is only a week later. This means there are a couple of other people who
work in my office and the senior director whose division I work in that I needed
to tell before this new chap starts. So, yesterday I spoke to my senior
director who was great (he was worried as he thought I wanted a word him as I was
going to resign) and said to let him know if I needed any support. I said I was
fine, we are great and that my immediate manager has been very supportive. The
other people in the office were great too and super supportive.
And then it is the rest……. We are going on holiday abroad on
29th May. Lucy is obviously travelling using her passport, the
booking is in her name as are the airline tickets. Therefore this is ‘go live’
day although we won’t have told absolutely everyone by then, the rest we will
do when we get back. We are sort of dropping the bomb and running away but this
way it gives us some breathing space even though we will be still able to log
on to social media while we are away but also gives people a little bit of time
to deal with it without us being around. We are not going away on our own, our
daughters are coming with us as is one of my sons, his wife and our grandson.
It does leave two of my boys back in the UK but they have said they will be
fine plus the majority of people I’m sure will be conversing with us.
So what is the plan? The plan changes all the time. We are
running out of time to tell everyone face to face before we go away. We don’t
want to tell some people too early for fear of Lucy being outed before we have
had a chance to tell people in our own way. We are close with one neighbour so need to tell them as she will see Lucy leaving the house for holiday; this neighbour sees everything. We will probably have a chat with them just before we go. I think she will be fine, but again who knows. My parents are away until 24th May which
does not give us much time but I am planning on telling them when they are back.
One of my sisters knows already which leaves another sister and my brother to
tell. My brother goes away just before us and as my parents come back so I only
have a small window of time to tell him. I think it will have to be a
telephone call after I have told my parents, probably while he is away on
holiday. Not ideal but I need to tell my parents first as I am very unsure how he will take the news. I wanted to tell my other sister before I speak to my parents as I
think she is the one my mum may lean on. I wasn’t sure how my sister would take
it but I rang her this morning and she was great. She said that everything just
all made sense as she had noticed some of Lucy’s changes and everything has fallen into place. She was very
supportive and said lots of nice things which was a relief. She did ring my
other sister immediately after and I understand that was a supportive
conversation. I was a bit nervous in telling her as it was a planned phone call
which I haven’t done with anyone else but it all turned out well.
Lucy’s mum will need to be told as will her eldest son (the
younger son is travelling and estranged from his dad so we will leave the other
son to speak to him – we are not expecting a positive outcome). This is Lucy’s
issue to deal with and I’m not sure what she is going to do. Her mum does not
live locally and we have no time to visit her so I expect it will be a phone call.
We don’t any contact with her dad (her parenets are long divorced) but no doubt he will hear via other family
members. I doubt he will make contact. When ever I try to talk to Lucy about
the timing for telling her son and mother she gets dismissive. I know it is
because she is nervous and is not looking forward to the conversation. My kids have said that they will all be there for her eldest son and will do their best to support him but that does all depend on his reaction. Whenever
and however she does it, I will be there to support her through this.
Then we have a clutch of close friends. I have mentioned
them before. This will be phone calls or a text (they will ring if we send a
text as I’m sure they will be convinced we are joking). I have no idea how they
will take it. A positive response would be great however in these circumstances
you plan for the worst. Watch this space.
In preparation for holiday we have been clothes shopping for
Lucy. She has never bought holiday clothes before so it is all a bit exciting.
She now has several pairs of lovely shorts, mix and match bikinis, tops, flat
sandals (shock horror!) and some really gorgeous swim suits. She went out
yesterday and had her eyebrows threaded and AT LAST they were done beautifully
with a proper shape and colour. It has really changed her face. She even told the technician after about her situation and showed her some pictures of us out and about. She also had her ears pierced again so now has two sets of earrings in her ear
lobes now. For me this was the biggest indication that this ‘go live’ date is
really happening. She wouldn’t have had them done as it will affect her refereeing
for what is left of the season.
She has decided that she will give up refereeing men’s football.
As much as The FA will protect her in regard to the clubs and the players, they
cannot control comments from the crowds. She referees at a high level and just
doesn’t want to put herself into a position where she will get abuse. Most clubs
serve alcohol and all it takes is one drunken supporter to shout abuse and then
it just starts everyone off. It is such a shame as football is her passion. She
will still referee women’s matches but they are not as frequent as the men’s
matches and they are slower paced. Sad times.
I have heard back from the NHS Trust that I had the meeting with. They have arranged for our friend Jo who runs the organisation SEE Change Happen and she is going in to do a taster session with some of the NHS staff. I have been invited to go along too so of course I have accepted. This is next week so it is all happening at once!
Trans Radio UK is going from strength to strength. Listeners
are increasing and are still worldwide. She has now interviewed all sorts of
different and interesting people, featured many trans DJ’s and musical artists
and their music as well as the mainstream stuff. We now have new logos and are
looking to get some t-shirts made up. We are looking to broadcast live from some
of the events happening over the next few months. Lucy and the radio station will be featured in the next edition of Transliving magazine too. If you have not liked the
Facebook page, please go and like it and share!
